Home

I've been back in the city for just under two weeks now. I cannot even begin to describe how happy it makes me. I'm finally doing something that makes me happy again.

It's wonderful to be near Laiah again, but it's so much more than that. I'm making myself happy again. I'm where I want to be surround by people that I actually want to be around. As soon as the initial stress from the move wears off, I'll be perfect :)

I do miss my family though. It's hard to believe that. In the past I went an entire six months without one visit. Now I'm back to calling my mother every day. It's scary being on my own again knowing that my parents aren't within shouting distance. I think I'm finally off on my own for good. It's a great feeling to be self sufficient, but it hurts at the same time. Ahhh...separation anxiety isn't treating me oh so well.

Moi

You have a certain innocence about you.You want the simple things in life. You love hugs,kisses, and being in the arms of the person you love. You want to feel protected,loved, and adored. You like your lover to initiate the first move and on some occasions you like a little aggressiveness but for the most part you need physical affection in order to maintain happy relationship.

Roommate Blues

They're so long over.
I'm set :)


Now moving back to Chicago feels real again. I am so incredibly excited! I cannot wait to get everything settled and squared away.



WOOOOOHOOOO.

Cold

Summer might as well be over around these parts.
Wonderful.


And eff this birthday.
I no longer seem to really care.
How sad is that? I still have three weeks and I'm already totally over my 21st.

Seeing Laiah is really the only upside. At least, the only noteworthy part of the trip.

I'm just tired of all the bullshit. I'm so over having all my plans revolve around other people and their stupid, unjust feelings. I'm sick of always having to take the hard way around everything. I just want a break. I desire for just one thing to go my way for once.

Why am I always so up and down?
I am so sick of being misunderstood. I mean, seriously...my own girlfriend doesn't even know me. And she's the closest person I have to me.

It'd be nice to have stability in more than just Kevin and I's friendship. But no. That's it. That is my only stability. And on a good week I'm able to see him for a full day.


Nights like this make me question why anything matters. I mean, really, what's the point?

Compassion

Today has been really odd for me. I hung out with Matt Bryan today. Remember him? I cannot believe he's been a youth minister at multiple churches. Last night; however, he explained to me that he was no longer interested in working in a church. "Love Jesus. Not church politics." I highly agree, but it was a shock to hear it come from his mouth.

We got onto the subject of FCC today. Mostly the bad was discussed. I was being associated with all the "hoodlums" I invited to youth group. But isn't that who we need to be reaching out to the most? Those kids weren't treated as they should have been. They were outcasted even when they did show up. It was ridiculous, really.

As if this all didn't make the day odd enough, James Hauser started talking to me on Facebook tonight. It was nice. He was the first youth minister I ever connected with. I decided at 15 that he would do my wedding :) Unfortunately, I don't think that's really much of an option if it doesn't happen to be to a male. And I understand that. James is not close-minded at all. And I truly respect his beliefs. He does not judge. And he does more than tolerate. He speaks out of love and compassion at all times. I really needed the talk we had.

James

"Raven I hope you know I love you and I do not want to come across as a close minded whatever. I believe I am open minded, so much that I will not tell you to get out of your relationship. What I will tell you is get to know Jesus of the Bible. Not the one you hear people in your circles talk about, but the Jesus of scripture. If you do this God will shape your heart. I believe that.

.....

Screaming, shouting, making people feel worthless, not wanted, excluded, doomed or whatever is not going to draw people to Jesus. But kindness and grace will."

LAIAH DEANNE

Ask and I'll go along with it.

I want to make her happy.
I need to make her happy.
As happy as she makes me.

I have some pretty big shoes to fill.


Chicagoooo.
Home soon.

Chicagooo

Okay, okay!
I'll come back already :)


Stoked on being near my lady again<3

Nausea

I've allowed myself to become extremely overwhelmed again. There's so much that I'm trying to focus on. So many factors have to be closely watched and accounted for in order to make one large event happen. It's tiring and stressful.

Not to mention, I'm bubbling over with anxiety caused by multiple issues that might as well learn to take a backseat. I'm scared to mention even one issue. I can't come off all psycho again, now can I?


Bullshit? Yes.

fuckfuckFuck.

Better?
Never.




Change of pace, a bit of fun news.
New Breathe Carolina album is out in just over a day :]

And I gave in and made a tumblr.
http://ravenannn.tumblr.com/

Fight, Fight, Fight!

Waste of breath.

I'm trying to keep my focus on the bigger picture. Where I want things to end up. And if that means sucking it up now, I suppose that's what I'll have to do. But I don't forget. I just know that later on my feelings on this are going to have a chance to arise again and my decisions and judgements are going to be based on my feelings as a whole. The feelings I have now. The unfairness. Being unwelcome. My feelings not being worth fighting for. No, I don't have it in me to start a fight. I'm working toward not hiding my feelings behind anger. The truth is, it's not anger or even bitterness that I feel. It's genuine hurt being masked by the latter in order to hide my emotional weaknesses.


It's all been said before.
It'll just continue until it's really going to count.
And that's when action will have to be taken.
I suppose there's no point even dwelling on it now.

You

don't care to read this.

And I'm not getting much out of blogging as of late.
I could write all the good and the bad.
Then try to measure pros and cons.
But what's the point?

Sleepy

I stayed up way longer than I wanted to waiting for a call from the lady. Unfortunately, she doesn't feel well and is going to sleep. It's weird. It's the first time I haven't talked to her before bed in...maybe ever. Let alone, not at all an entire day. Hmm...that's quite a record we had going there...or well, had. I don't like this :[


I work tomorrow night then Tuesday morning. After that, I'm heading to Chicago. Then I'll get to sleep in her bad for four nights. I need that.



Now I'm off to pass out. I'm exhausted. Thankfully, I'm not sick of work yet.

Happy

Already have about $600 saved up. Woo, woo!

Chicago on Tuesday. Can't wait to have me some Laiah :) Also seeing Christopher Glenn Phillips. Random. Alex and Johnny, yay!!! And I have to see Alaina. I never seem to be able to. But this trip I have to try extra hard to make it happen.

I work all day tomorrow. I'm alright with that. Hopefully make some decent money since I'm taking a day off this week so I can stay in Chicago for longer.

Just finished with my final for my media arts class along with a final project for it. I'm going to final project for my behavioral science class tomorrow in between my double shifts. Then I'm done with those two classes. Yay! :) Two down, a ton to go.


I'm feeling pretty great.
It's a nice change.

Plans

So now I have a plan and a back up plan. Both result in great things.

I cannot even begin to explain how much better I feel. Everything is going to come together, finally. I'll be able to buy a car outright in about three months. Then I'm saving for a few more and heading back to Colorado. I cannot wait. I know that I hate being where I am right now, but I work so much that it doesn't really matter. I don't have time to think about not liking it here.



Oh, and I love Laiah DeAnne.
The end.

Productive

I'm in a much better mood tonight. I've been calculating how much money I've made so far. It's nice to finally have a job that pays fairly. It also helps that the only bills I really have are for school. I'm finally able to see myself being able to really save up. It's a good feeling. I always had to work my ass off in Chicago to make just more than enough.

I work almost every day which is nice. I feel like I'm actually doing something worthwhile. I was so down all the time when I felt unproductive. It drove me insane. I'd much rather have too much to do than not enough. I like to keep busy. It keeps my mind off of things as well.

I'm thinking about Laiah every day. I'm definitely not looking to date anyone else. I want to see it work out, I really do. But I can't force her into it. She already told me she doesn't think we should get back together. If that's really the case, I'm still not interested in dating anyone else. You don't get over someone that means that much to you just like that. As long as she holds my heart, no one else has a chance.

Cut Off

I feel extremely disconnected from everyone and everything as of late. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It doesn't feel crazy terrible. However, it's pretty lonely. I think I'm beginning to fall into a routine though. That will make things easier, I suppose. No time to dwell on what's not there. Work, save money, and schoolwork.

But then what? What am I saving and preparing for? It's hard having a set plan for so long, and then waking up one day to find that it's gone. It's an odd feeling. I know what I want to do. But it's hard to throw yourself out there when the person you desire to please doesn't even want to be with you. It's extremely disheartening.


I just need to know that I'm working toward something. If not, what's the point?

Ahhhhh

So much to have done today.

I'm almost done with all the school work. An iMovie project, 3 discussion posts with responses, a quiz, some reading material, a couple of videos, and tonight I'm going to finish up my talk show interview on discrimination and diversity. Unfortunately, I have to go back in to work the other half of my double here in a bit. Blehhh. Thankfully, after tonight, I'll be all caught up. But, I work every day through next Wednesday except this Thursday. Yep, three on, one off, 6 on. Jeeze. Well, I need the money. I can't complain. It also makes time go by faster.

Why am I trying to make time go by faster still? I suppose I'm not the type to give up all hope for something I desire so greatly until I'm slapped in the face.

Better

Today, I'm doing alright.

I work tonight. Then I have two huge projects that I have to get done afterward. I picked up 3 extra shifts this weekend, and now I have no time for school work. I'll be up all night. Then I'm working a double tomorrow. I have to have it all done and ready to turn in before 11 tomorrow morning. Gross.

On the upside, I made almost $80 before tipping out for a five hour shift last night. I don't think that's too shabby. I'm estimating about $600 a pay cycle. At that rate, I'll have more than enough to move in a month's time. I already have a job in Chicago whenever I head back, so I'll have a steady income immediately after the move as well. If that doesn't work out, I'll have enough to get a decent car and head back to Colorado in three months-ish.

I'm trying to just work on the positives right now. I don't have time to be so down all the time. Working 6 shifts a week on top of classes shouldn't leave me much time for anything else. I'm alright with that. Less time to worry. Less time to let life bog me down.

Break Ups

Apparently, I am unaware of the rules.


By allowing myself to be broken up with, I threw her away? I believe I tried refusing to accept it. Then she said to say bye. "That's what people do when they break up, right? They say goodbye."

There's nothing cruel and heartless in that, is there? No, I should feel bad for letting her do it. Really, what was I thinking?

I have my flaws. But I love her more than she knows. And she always came first. Unfortunately, she couldn't do the same for me.

Her

Tuesday

And it's already shaping up to be a rough start to the week. I don't even have the energy to go into most of it.

Even though I've done nothing wrong though, I feel bad. My sister has no place in my life right now. It's so incredibly sad to say that. But I'm just not going to lose someone that is so important to me over her. I won't let that happen. So as of now, I'm done with her.

I don't mean to overreact. I'm just really good at picking up on signals and reading into things that people say and how they say them. So, yes, I found it necessary to point out that she had a girlfriend to that girl, because I knew what the girl was getting at. Ohhhhhh, and look who proved me right. Stupid girls. They're so predictable. It doesn't help that I'm extremely confrontational. I suppose it's best that I'm stuck here then for the time being.


Ohhh, one bit of excitement, Kevin and I had a sweet sleepover last night and an awesome photo shoot today. Ahhhh, I love Kevin Dodson! He is one of the very few people that keep me sane. I wish I could take him with me everywhere.

Not all Here

I've had an odd weekend. It was wonderful. But I feel that something is so terribly wrong.

There was a storm on Thursday night that knocked the power out until the next afternoon. I ended up staying with my cousin and her roommate for the next two nights with some friends and more cousins. Josh was up visiting from New Mexico. Jeezeee. I hadn't seen him in years. Apparently, he might be coming back to stay for awhile next month. If not, he'll be back to stay in October. Not that I plan on being here by then, but it's still closer to Chicago than New Mexico is.

Things seem as though they should be looking up. I'm working now. I'm taking classes. I've been getting out of the house more. However, I feel more unsettled that I did before.

Could it be her talking to her ex? Yeah, the one she claims to not talk to anymore. Could it be that I feel she has a tendency to be slightly inconsiderate as of late? Could it be that when asked if she has a boyfriend she replies with a statement that she's gay, not that she has a girlfriend? Or is it just the fact that I miss her so much and now won't be able to see her this week like we had planned? Honestly, I'm not really sure. It seems when things don't work out as planned, I start to notice and point out anything and everything that seems a little out of place.

Am I just freaking out because I'm soon going to be back in Chicago and will find out if it's going to make or break this relationship? I tend to over think things when I get attached. I get really nervous and start picking at every little flaw. It's not fair to her or myself. But I think I'm just one of those people that needs reassurance. Maybe she's just not the type to give that. When everything starts to go right, I cannot help but think of every little thing that could possibly jeopardize it all.


Once again, I'm a mess and don't have anyone that I can really talk to without feeling guilty.

Everything just feels so wrong.

Irritable much?

Is there a day that goes by anymore where I don't cry? Seriously, I prided myself on not being one of those outwardly gross, emotional girls for so long. I suppose I just have so much building up daily now. I cannot seem to keep it from spilling over anymore.

My moods are being seriously affected. I'm extremely irritable. And even the smallest letdown is magnified into something of great magnitude.

I don't mean to be pushy. Maybe it's due to the fact I was forced to grow up so fast. I almost seem to expect everyone else to be on the same level as me. But they're not always going to be. Mom's can be a very touchy subject, apparently. I have a very unconventional relationship with my mother. But I honestly think she has more respect for me and treats me as more of an adult than some of these so called mothers of the year. Why? Because I made her consider me a fellow adult. No parent that cares does this on their own. You have to prove that you are an adult and stand your ground.


Ughhhh. I was just having such a shitty night. And it wasn't alright to just leave me hanging so abruptly. It really bothers me. I am just so sick of being here alone. There may be a dozen people here at all times, but I'm always by myself. It's extremely depressing. It rids me of any desire to do anything. I just don't care. Nothing is getting better. I'm never happy aside from talking to Laiah and a select few that I rarely even get to see.


blah blah blah
go cry some more

Overwhelmed

My surrounding environment is really starting to take a serious toll on me. I know that a lot of people say they hate visiting where they grew up because it's old news. Everyone is ready for change and escaping the stagnant past they left behind. But when I say that I hate being here, my reasons are of a much more serious nature.

I cannot bear to observe the debilitated state that my parents' lives are in. Even more unbearable is the resulting lives my sisters are now forced to lead. It's heartbreaking. And of course, I blame myself to an extent. I was thrown into the position on raising them for an extended period of time, but as soon as I was able to flee the situation, I did. I just left them there. Who would do such a thing?

It's hard for me to imagine coming from this family. They're crude, criticizing, addictive, close-minded, and unintelligent for the most part. I've been told that I'm the white sheep of the family. The only one that strove to better myself and my future despite the conditions I was raised in. But I still care. I care far too much to continually put myself in this position. I cannot be around them for long. I feel too horrid for them. And I can't help it. It sickens me. It's incredibly depressing and I can't handle it. Each day it just gets worse for me.

I desperately need someone to talk to. Whether or not I feel like divulging all the thoughts running through my mind and weighing me down, it'd still be wonderful to have some to distract me from my current surroundings. But that person doesn't seem to exist. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. They have jobs and classes. They have social lives of their own to attend to.

So once again, I find myself taking on the world on my own. Alone. I suppose it's nothing new. That's how it's been the majority of my life. Most of the time I'm stuck in my head. It's the only release that never seems to let me down. But I often times find myself lost there. I think that's better than giving into the chaos that surrounds me.

And I'm tired of being all alone

and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home.


I have come to a realization as well. I am in love with you<3



I have a lot going on right now. I'm extremely stressed out and sick of my surroundings. The environment is depressing and it's taking a lot out of me. But I know that if I can just suck it up a little bit longer, everything will work itself out, and I will be able to work toward building up something that is already so wonderful into something greater than I could have ever imagined.

Honestly, I am the happiest that I've been in quite some time. Miserable being away from her, but it's only temporary. I cannot even imagine what it will be like to see her whenever I want. To be able to fall asleep with her regularly. To start a new chapter in my life with someone that genuinely cares about me. Someone that loves me wholeheartedly. This girl that would never do anything to hurt me. I'd almost forgotten what that all feels like. It's about time I found it again. And I'm happy that I found it in her.



She is where I want to be.

The Future is Unclear

but I hope that it'll be fine.


I almost forgot how much I love First Aid Kit. Mmmm...


Jeeze...there is just never enough time. I suppose I won't ever be satisfied until I make it back up there. So until then, I'll just have to suck it up. But I'm not liking it one bit. I haven't felt this lonely in quite some time. At first it was nice being around family again. After last night though, I think I'm set for awhile. I'm not too happy with cutting them slack only to be disappointed again and again. It sickens me. I almost up and left. Then I realized it would only me a larger setback in my plan to get out of here.

I'm also in a bit of a rut again. I don't really have the desire to do anything. I'm fine with just living comfortably where I want to. School, career, any long term plans just have no pull on me at the moment. I'm taking classes anyway. But it's all just pretty blahhh to me right now.


I'm tired but there's only about a dozen people here. I suppose I'll just wait around until half of them leave so that I can sleep sometime tonight. I really have to remind myself to never put myself back in this situation again. It only makes me hate coming home even more. Ha. Home? This isn't home. I don't have a home.

Back at it

Work today.
Hours more in reading assignments.


I suppose it's better than sitting around with nothing to do.

Liar, Liar

pants on fire.





Bright side?
I won't be there to say I told you so.

Loneliness

I think I've found my problem.


I have very few friends here. And the ones that I do have lives as well. Work and other friends.

Audra is still my best friend but she moved away closer to school. Jeenah moved back to Wisconsin. And the rest are in Chicago. Kevin is the only one I hang out with here really. I think Mark has been spending all his time at work. The rest live in surrounding towns that I don't get to very often.

It'd just be nice to have someone to talk to often. I think I'm desperately in need of a new best friend. Someone close. Someone that has time to waste listening to my rants. Someone that needs me to listen to their problems just as much.

I've been keeping to myself for the most part lately. I love my family, but I can't take them for very long. I seclude myself the best I can. I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I enjoy it, but I don't want to become a recluse again. I'm just happiest around people.


I'm tired of being alone.

Strangle People

Everything is irritating me right now. I'm not sure what my deal is. I suppose it's just one of those days.

I feel upset...but I'm not. At least, I don't have any real reason to be. I'm just being moody again. Make it stop. Thanks.



Upside, things are really starting to look up. I'm just trying to hold out until I can move out of this area again. It's far too stagnant. I hate it.



blah blah blah.
Make me smile right now.

Homophobia

I came across this in an online UK news article.


As The Sunday Telegraph disclosed, the Bishop of Rochester, Dr Michael Nazir-Ali, called on homosexuals to repent. He said the Church of England must stick to the Biblical teaching that marriage should only be between a man and a woman.

“We want to hold on to the traditional teaching of the Church. We don’t want to be rolled over by culture and trends in the Church,” said the bishop, one of the most senior religious figures in England.

In response, Peter Tatchell, the veteran gay rights campaigner, said last night: “Homophobia is a social and moral evil, just like racism. Bigotry, even in the guise of religion, has no place in a compassionate, caring society."

“I call on the Bishop to repent his homophobia. His prejudice goes against Christ’s gospel of love and compassion.”


I like the last lines.


Anywho, the full article was over the Queen angering gay campaigners. You can read it HERE.

Moody

Jeeze, I can be such a jerk.



But I know when I'm out of line and am able to admit it. I'm just unhappy with where I am for the time being. And I want nothing more than to be there with you. Like I said, of course I'm going to be jealous of anyone and everyone that is able to see you :) It just makes it loads worse to know that I am the one that chose to leave in the first place. And even though I made the decision over someone else, I still didn't choose to stay with her. I keep telling myself that I still chose to leave in order to give us a chance. And she is well aware of why. It makes sense, especially if you know my character.

I guess I never expected it to go this far. I didn't really envision anything becoming serious. I was at a very low point and was convinced that the only reason people acted as though they were interested in me is because they had ulterior motives. They always wanted something out of me and I was never given anything in return. She is different though. She is genuine and sincere. She truly cares about me and wants to see where this will take us both. It caught me at just the right time. I needed this. I needed her.

We've had our issues. One of two have honestly been major. But the rest of them were blown up far worse than they ever should have been. And like I said before, there have been very few reasons for either of us to hold anything harsh against each other. I think that the distance really plays a part in all of this. It's irritating and frustrating. It evokes jealous feelings almost by default. At times it causes you to play out these elaborate story lines in your head when you don't know what's going on with the other person. You take things to heart too easily. It can really be a mess.

We're working on all of this though. And before too long I will be back. I honestly feel that everything will continue to get better at a rapid rate after that. There are just too many things we're missing out on. Laiah is upset because she feels that we should be best friends but we just haven't really had the time to grow to that level. We used to talk for hours every day and night any time she had a break. Realistically, that couldn't continue for the entirety of my time away. You cannot waste every day away on the phone. We both need to have a real life as well. Once I am back, that is the first thing I plan to work on. I am extremely close to her, but I want to make her my best friend as well. There's not much room for progression in a relationship if you are unable to make your significant other your other half.

I know that we tend to go back and forth between casually dating and being extremely serious. She scares easily. I am aware she doesn't have a whole lot of experience in real relationships, but I am willing to help her along the way and back off when she needs me to...even if she's the one that initiates all the lovey dovey talks of us and makes me follow her lead. Haha. I am perfectly fine with where we are and living in the now as long as I have her word that she wants it to continually grow. No one wants to wake up one day, roll over, and hear, "well that was fun for a bit." lolz.



I'm sleepy. Off to nap some more. But wedding with Kevin today. Woo!!!!!!

Clarity

Apparently, I tend to confuse people with my blogging.

To clarify what I was speaking of in my last post....


I knew that I was not ready to move on without Laiah. Yes, I could survive without her. Yes, I could move on if given enough time to do so. But why do such a thing when I could be so incredibly happy with her right now? We have our issues, yes. But as angry and upset as I get at times, I am the first one to admit that this is one of the best relationships that I have ever been in. She doesn't cheat on me. I trust her. I am convinced that she cares deeply for me.

So, we argue at times. No, we don't always get along. We don't always see eye to eye. Sometimes we drive each other up the wall. But that's what we do. That's us. And it doesn't mean that we care any less for each other. We take things out on each other. No, not always fair, but we are aware of this. It can be hurtful and irritating, but we know that it is brought about by something else that is bothering us. And if we can be understanding of each other's feelings, that's all that matters.

We may be a little unconventional...okay, a lot a bit. But I'm alright with that. I love her and she loves me. And that's all that I have time to worry about right now. I have far too much else going on right now to let myself be bothered by the opinions of people that have only heard our one-sided rants.

Confuzzled

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Why do I always have to feel bad?
Why am I always pulled in so many directions at once?
Why do I always find a way to complicate things more?



I'm done. I know what I've decided to do. It was extremely difficult, but it's done. Now I have the task of putting the pieces together and getting on with it. So much more easily said than done. Blehhh.




Upside, Chicago tonight.
Pride tomorrow.
Mmmmm.

Back and Forth

I'm still having a lot of trouble figuring out where to go from here.

Today was nothing short of wonderful. I spend all day with Kevin Dodson. Mmm, mmm! I couldn't have asked for a greater best friend. I love that boy like none other. I actually had an amazing day. I introduced him to Meiko. He loved her, of course. Then we sat down and just spent some time painting. It was a great release. Even if I suck and lack any sort of technique, it was really good for me. I let go of some things and my heart wasn't as heavy after. His mom brought us food and then we watched two hours of So You Think You Can Dance. It was awesomeeee! Then Kevin showed me some choreography he put together to a Lady Gaga song, haha. After, he just continued to randomly start piroetting around the room during long silences. He played me some more of his songs he's written. His newest made me cry all four times he played it for me. Gah, I'm such a baby. But it was so good. And it totally fit how I was feeling at the time. After, we went out to the reservior and met up with some other cool kids. Becky and April...mmm! Becky and Kevin serenaded us for the rest of the night. The weather, the water, and the music...It was perfect.

It was nice to have a really great day. It doesn't happen nearly enough. I need more kids like them in my life.


So, how do I feel now? It all still kills me. And I don't like it one bit. But I'm alright. I honestly feel that everything will fall into place and work itself out.

Part Two

I have the tendency to go from being completely crushed and down one moment, to being in a rage the next. I'm told that's how I deal with being hurt. I hide the hurt with anger. I'm beginning to notice just how often this happens.


She admits it is her fault. She drove me to break up with her just like I thought she was doing. Even if she wasn't doing it intentionally.


Honestly, I just don't think she knows what she wants. And it is just tearing me apart.

And in the midst of my anger, anything and everything that she's ever done that bothered me but I never said anything about has come to the surface.

Despite the fact that I considered moving back to Colorado to make things easier, I've decided to stick to my plan of heading back to Chicago. Why? I don't know really. I just feel something tugging at me to do so. Hopefully, something good will come out of it. I could use some good right about now.


And now the anger is subsiding and I'm back to blubbering like a baby. And I should have expected it. I'm so incredibly stupid.

Build Me Up

only to make me come crashing down.



I'm at such a loss. Things tend to go so horribly wrong far too quickly. You don't even know what's happening until everything is all said and done. I'm not alright with it.

To be lied to over something so important is hurtful. It would have taken no more than a few minutes to just let it out and go from there. But now look where we are.

...where I am.

Indifferent

I don't care.
I really don't.


Okay, I do deep down.
But ehhhh.



Mark Crippen tomorrow.
Hells yes.

Half Truths

ARE just as bad as LIES.

I always find out.
Even if its weeks or months later.
I always do.


Count on it.

And then don't blame me when I'm all wound up and would rather strangle you than look you in the face and pretend that everything is just peachy.



dslkjflaksjdflaj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes

I'm worth giving a damn.


This mini vaca to Chicago is much needed.
I have to get out of this area for good....
NOW.




Oh hey, I'm so over you...
Each and every one of you who clearly aren't worth my time.
Leave me alone.
Thanks.

Whaaaaaaa

I feel weird.
Sort of uneasy.
Why?
Don't ask.
I'm not even sure myself.


I'm heading to Chicago tomorrow.
Spending a few days with Laiah.
Maybe see Justin.
He'll probably blow me off and be an a-hole.
Go figure.


Stressed out like none other.
Barf.
Yes, please.

Girls, Girls, Girls

I spent the whole day with Audra. It was much needed. I miss that girl like none other. I need to make more of an effort to see her when I'm back in Chicago. She's only 2 hours south.

We always pick up right where we left off when we see each other. We never seem to skip a beat. It's right back to the same old topics of conversation and hang out spots. We went to Chico's today. It was incredibly weird. I haven't been in there since the last time Justin and I met up with Zakkie-D for that horror movie night shortly after I graduated.

Speaking of best friends whom I hardly ever talk to anymore, I still haven't heard from Barak since he flaked on me the last time I was here. Almost every person I ran into today asked me if I'd talked to him recently. We were best friends. I suppose it only makes sense that people would assume we'd kept in touch...but I refuse to give in this time. He tore me apart. And I'm not going to continue to sit around and pretend that we're friends. We're not. And it still hurts.

I saw Luke for a bit today. He wants to hang out since I'll be here for a month ish. I suppose I should take him up on the offer. I mean, who else do I really care to see here? Audra is going back to Bloomington tomorrow morning. Jeeze. I hateeeee this place.

Kyle Andy Temme called me out of nowhere tonight while we were all sitting around at Denny's. Before I even answered the phone, I squealed and showed the phone to Audra. It was completely unexpected and we had just been talking about him earlier during the day. He's still that same boy from way back when. Blehhhh. It's been so long. He asked me to come visit him awhile back. Audra doesn't seem to think it's a good idea. And now I can't just jump into decisions like that on my own. It'd definitely have to be discussed.


I'm exhausted, but I think I'll be up for quite some time tonight. I'm seeing Laiah tomorrow night. I really cannot wait. I'm always crazy excited to see her. I just can't wait until she'll be around all the time. It's about time we get rid of the distance. I think it'll change the relationship a ton. And hopefully for the better.

Sweaty

Jeezeeee. This is why I hate summer. I had almost forgotten after dealing with that never ending winter in Chicago. I hate the sticky feeling. Not to mention, I sweat like a man. No, not a guy. A MAN. A gross, burly man.

Anywho, I'm reading a new book. Secrets in the Cellar. My mom suggested it. I've always been fascinated by book that center around substance, child, or sexual abuse. Is that creepy? I just like being able to feel a connection when I read a book. And those types of books just tend to be extremely emotional and moving. This one centers around child and sexual abuse but it's also a true crime book. I'm intrigued by books of unthinkable acts. It's just hard to believe that there are people like that out in the world. It blows my mind.


Anywho, I'm in southern Illinois visiting family. I'm thinking about staying here for a month or so and then just heading back to Chicago from here. Laiah and I have decided to move in together. We want to have seperate rooms though. Neither one of us are ready for sharing everything quite yet. I don't want to add too much pressure to the relationship yet.

Oh, I start a program through Full Sail University on July 9. Wooo. That's exciting. And I can't wait for my new Macbook Pro to come in the mail. YESSSSSSS.

But now I'm off to make ma mere play some Rockband with me. Hahaha.

Home Sweet Chicago

I just spent one of the greatest weeks back in Chicago.

It was great to see all the people I care so much about again. But the best part was falling into her arms every single night and waking up in the same place every morning.

I cannot wait for this to be the norm. I will be back soon for good. But not soon enough.


As for today, I flew into New Orleans. I will be down here for about a week. The fam. Cabin on the water. Aunt's wedding to end the week. Fun, fun.


Leaving her again definitely puts a damper on things though. Blehhhhhhhhh.

Guilt

I tear myself up over things I've done in the past that I regret.


I don't need someone else to bring them to the surface again.
And I sure the hell don't need to feel their judging eyes on me either.





I'm alright with who I am.
I don't need anyone to make me feel bad about myself.

Step Back

Earlier today, I was overcome by an incredible urge to blog. I was extremely upset and wanted to get it all out. Unfortunately, I had a lot going on at the moment and didn't have time to mess with it. Now, I'm glad that I put it off.

Her mother still refuses to have anything to do with me. As though I'm some sort of disease that has affected her daughter. And today was the final straw. Or so I thought. I've stood up to my family in her defense. I refused to pretend she wasn't gay just to make them feel more comfortable. That wouldn't be fair to myself or her. I was taking her as my date to the wedding no matter what they had to say about it. They are my family, and they will either accept my lifestyle, or I do not want anything to do with them.

It would never come to that. At least, that's what I tell myself. They may not all understand it, but as their blood, I expect them to accept it and to be supportive of ME and who I care about. But if it were to come down to it, I would disown them for not being supportive before they could even think to disown me for my choices. That's just how it is with me. I expect to be loved unconditionally and treated like any other member of the family. And I am not afraid to call anyone out on being unfair and close minded.

It just hurt so badly that she once again crumbled under her mother's glare and agreed to not bring me to her parents renewal of the vows ceremony and party. Why? Because her mother isn't ready to be asked if I'm her daughter's girlfriend. I was completely overcome by rage immediately. Why is it that I am to stick up to my family when she can't do the same for me?

I have given myself time to cool down over it. And I've realized that the anger was covering up how I really felt. It hurt. It still hurts. But I came across a blog to her mother tonight, and I realized that not everyone can handle things the way that I do. I'm definitely not capable of handling everything single handed, but I am one tough cookie. I refuse to let people talk to me or treat me differently because of how I look, my views, or my lifestyle. Not even my family. I'm not saying that I think she has a stronger allegiance to her family at all. I love my family dearly. But I feel that your family should always be the first to back you in anything and everything. And if they don't, I don't feel that I owe them anything special for doing what they were expected to do for me in the first place. You choose to have kids, you better be ready to support them, raise them, accept them for who they are. For who God created them to be.

She has different views than me. And her family structure is nothing like my own. So I need to practice some patience and try to let her deal with this in her own time. I can't expect her to handle the situation as I would. Because she isn't me. She is extremely caring and through it all, she feels bad for hurting her mother. Even though she has nothing to be sorry for. She is who she is. And she is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am lucky to have her in my life, and that woman is lucky to have her as a daughter. And if she doesn't start to catch on, she's going to lose her forever.

She is perfect just the way God created her.

And I cannot wait so see her again.

Punching Bag

I may have done the same in the past but I apologized.

It's not alright. And I refuse to put up with it when I was being sympathetic.



Way to complete 180.

Ice Cream

I won't lie. This song gets me in the mood.

I'm a Girl!

I've began to pick up on the fact that my hormones have been completely out of whack the past couple of months. Don't tell me I can't blame it on being a female. 'Cause I can! It cannot excuse my behavior and outbursts, but I hope it can make them understandable. I need to have that checked out.

I've noticed that I tend to write here a lot when I'm down or upset. It helps to clear my mind. Sometimes I just need to vent. It makes me feel better. However, I think I'm going to change the pace today. If I write about all the positives in my life right now, there's a possibility that I could walk away from this in a great mood. Call me crazy! It just might work.

First and foremost, I'm flying to Chicago on Saturday. Wooo! It's about time I take a visit. There are some people that I seriously miss every single day that passes. Not to mention, I have a beautiful girl to be seeing. So yes, needless to say, I'm pretty stoked. I'm hoping for some laser tag or possibly cosmic bowling. But, I'm not picky. I will for sure be spending time with the ever-so-wonderful, Alaina Debski! Only my soon to be greatest, future roomie.

I'm flying straight out from Chicago to New Orleans. My aunt is getting married. The fam is renting a cabin on the water for the week before. It'll be nice to have everyone together at once. It doesn't happen all that often anymore. And if all goes according to plan, Miss Chandra Mahrle will be joining me. Looking forward to loads of laughs, pancakes, brownies, and water sports. Yayyyyyyy!

I originally planned to drive home to southern IL afterward, but now I believe I'm flying straight back to Denver. That should be fine. Becca promised to take me to Boulder and show me where the cool kids hang out. And being as I consider myself a cool kid, I figure I outta pay attention!

I really wanted to make it to Summer Jam when I get back, but it's already sold out. Warped isn't until August as well as Lollapalooza. So, I have a couple of months to just sort of go with the flow and see what I can find to do. I hope to be able to do quite a bit of camping. I haven't been able to in so incredibly long. And none of that fake camping with electricity. Eff you cheaters. I'm from the middle of nowhere in bumfuck IL. It's about time I'm able to go outside and actually see nature again. Not to mention, I'm still in awe of the Rockies. I can see them right out my window. Insane.

Welp, that about wraps it up for now. I'm going to go waste some time elsewhere. Zip it up....and Zip it OUT!

Did I mention I've watched a lot of Dave Chappelle stand up recently???

chucklechucklechuckleeeee

Down

I want to be happy. I want to be supportive. I should be happy that she's making new friends. I want to be proud that everyone thinks she's so pretty...

But the more she talked, the more sick I ended up. I don't understand. I'm perfectly fine one moment, and the next I'm leaning over the toilet gagging and crying. Am I going crazy?

Do I resent her for having all that I want? I desire nothing more than to be back in Chicago with my friends. I was used to making new friends constantly and going to parties three and four times a week. I want to be back there so desperately.

I'm not happy. I don't care how beautiful it is here. It doesn't matter how nice the people are. I don't care that the drama factor is significantly lower. I just want to go back. I need to go back. And I don't want to wait until July.

I'm such an unsatisfied bitch toward her at times. I am well aware that it's not just over the things she does. It's isn't solely due to the fact that we don't always see eye to eye. No, I have to bring all of my issues into the mix and take it out on her.

This is what I do. I push people away when things are going badly for me.



I am so fucked.

Yes, No, Maybe So?

I'm just not in the mood to deal with fickle people right now. I have had enough trouble trying to get over how wish-y wash-y I can be. If you are not sure that you can stick to a plan you have set out, do not tell me that you are going to. Just save it until you know for sure. It will be that much better if and when the time arises.


Jealousyyyyy.
Well, hell yes I'm jealous. But I won't single it out toward one person. No, no, no, no. Anyone and everyone that crosses paths with you each and every single day that I am not there. Yeah, that's about right. And I sure the hell have no desire to go through your phone. If I thought I needed to, I wouldn't waste my time on you. But that's not the case. I'm still here. And for good reason.


Why am I so irritable again all of the sudden?

I Was a Good Fuck

Why is it that every time I start to think we could possibly be friends, you do or say something that completely disgusts me? I was seriously starting to feel like that whorebag cunt, Helen Hunt character in that Lifetime movie. You know, the one that knows the piece of shit is no good for her but cannot learn to say no or separate herself from him. At least it didn't take me a miscarriage and losing the one person that cares for me most to come to my senses. Lucky me, right?


Laiah visited me for a few days. It was much needed. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I had her here in front of me knowing she would eventually have to leave again. Ughhhhhh. As an upside, her and Miguel are moving here in a few months if all goes according to plan. Wooo! I seriously love both of those kids. Plus, I have to admit, I'm really not ready to head back to Chicago. And I think it'll be quite some time before I am. I find that as a whole, there are a lot less fake people here...or at least, the ones that are happen to be extremely easy to center out.

Oh, I've realized that I really, really miss talking to Lando. And, I wish Christopher didn't sound like such a hardass or so full of hate all the time. I still think you're wonderful, sir.

Anywho, I'm off to bed. I'm super sickly. Someone brought their Chicago germies to me, haha.

Her

She's not letting go.
And for that I am truly thankful.


I'm not always the easiest person to get along with. When I'm stressed out I get moody and easily irritated. It's not fair to those around me. But I'm happy that the ones that truly matter are understanding and willing to help me work through my issues.

I'm really not alone.

April

This month has been jumbled together. It seems as though so much has happened, but yet so very little.

Here I am in Colorado. I had mixed feelings about the move. The excitement didn't hit me until I was already here. I planned to move back to Chicago at the end of the summer, but now I am no longer sure that I will be ready. I have so much to explore here. I'm not sure that a summer is enough time to do it justice. Not to mention, it would be a lot easier on me to start school here. However, I don't plan on going back to a university quite yet. My aunt almost has me talked back into going to Aveda. It's an 11 month program if I recall correctly. That gives me time to enjoy the new area and a job to pursue once I head back to Chicago. Honestly, I'm not all too worried about a long term career right now.

That is out of the norm for me. I am so used to planning everything so far in advance. But I'm working on breaking that habit. I nearly drove myself insane before. I am perfectly fine right now. I want to enjoy myself and learn to be alright with me. I'm my toughest critic. I have done a lot of wrong, and I've made some bad decisions as of late. And as most of us know, I need some time to heal.

It's beautiful here. It really is. I feel so at ease for the first time in what seems like forever. But I am having some issues with missing people back in Chicago. Some of those people helped me through one of the roughest years of my life. And for that, I am truly thankful.


I suppose this will suffice as a decent update.
You kids don't be strangers.
Visit me. We can go camping. Woooo!

Nausea

The lengths that people will go to in order to control those they supposedly care about truly sickens me. How can you not see that this is affecting more than just your family?




I no longer have it in me to be able to cry at the moment.
And I am at a loss for words.

Listen Hard

Guilty

It's nice to see old friends and family, but I'm ready to get out of here already. It's not that I don't care to be around them, it's just different. This isn't home to me anymore.

Every time I come back, I slowly feel as though I'm being suffocated. Then I panic over getting stuck here again. Never, ever will I live in this stagnant area again. Nothing good has ever come out of it and for good reason.

But Colorado is even further from where I want to be. I think it'll be good for me though. I need to get some things figured out. I am in desperate need of a change. I could use the time to work on myself.

Thus far, I can't say that I've made much progress. I'm still crushed and it doesn't seem as though that'll change any time soon. But it's not a lost cause. It took me a good four months ish to get over Christopher completely. I have from now until the end of summer. It's manageable. I'm just sick of being forced to go through this process. And never have I let someone get me to the point that I feel this horrid. Blehhhhhhhhhh.


On a lighter note, I totally started teaching my mother and aunt the Deceptacon dance. I'm not sure I've ever laughed that hard. We've decided to make everyone learn it for my aunt's wedding in May. Hahaha. Oh brother!

Visitors

I had my first visitors from Chicago today. Haha, yes, on my first full day back. It was just what I needed. A day full of them poking fun at my small town roots. Denny's, the pitiful excuse for a mall, and bowling. Wooooo! Hahahaha. It was wonderful.

I spent all last night having a Rock Band extravaganza. I started it back up first thing in the morning. Yes, even before breakfast. I am just that hardcore.

I've officially done just about all there is to do since I've gotten back. Next weekend, I plan to go to the drive in. Yay! I'm stoked.

I am trying to keep myself occupied and learn to be optimistic again.
But I still think about him every single day.
And even though I wouldn't let myself say it before, I will miss him.
I will miss him more than anyone else that I left behind.

Gone

I'm officially out of Chicago.
My departure was pretty uneventful. I expected something more I suppose. Then again, I did not even take the time to look back. I am sure that if I would have, it would have resulted in me breaking down completely. But that came once I made it to my destination anyway.

I am saddened by the way things have ended. There was so much that I wanted to be able to say. But I could not bring myself to do it. I was completely overwhelmed by my emotions at the time. A mixture of resentment, hurt, and love. I wrote a letter. However, I felt guilty over what I had to say. It was horrid. But I really felt all of it. Maybe he deserved to know how he made me feel. I am trying to tell myself that it was enough to just get it all out in writing. There is no reason in brining a person down merely to make me feel better.

But that is it. It is done and over. That is the last time I will ever be able to speak to him about us. There no longer is an "us." There has not been for quite some time now. I need to focus on moving on at this point.

How do you allow yourself to grow closer to such an amazing person when you are still head over heels for another? This is a tough task to face. But I am attempting to give it my all. She is everything I need. It is about time I give a good person a chance. I have always made time for those unworthy of a shot. It is about time that changes.

For the next couple of days, I am going to work on dealing with the heartache. I am going to rest up and spend some time with my family. Then I will work on forward progression. Off to Colorado.

I have left the people I care about. I have left all I have worked for. I have left the city I love all over someone who does not care for me in return. I felt it. It was real for me. And it will take me quite some time to get over. But it is something I have to get to work on before it drives me insane.

Vomit

Please and thank you.



I just want to get everything taken care of and accounted for so that I can get out of here.

I only wish I'd have a little longer to make amends and spend more time with the people I'm truly going to miss each and every day that I am gone.

Breaking Point

I have not reached it.
But I have decided that I am not sticking around to let it happen.

I'm getting out while I am still sane.
Before I am ripped apart any more than I already am.

Maybe I'll be back.
Maybe I won't.

My biggest fear is being forgotten.

On Bad Days

this boy makes me giggle uncontrollably with Cortney.

Sighhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

A Wise Alex Once Said

Raven

i hafta

12:45amAlex

whyyy? why do you hafta?

12:46amRaven

cause I don't know how not to

and i'm moving

by april 1st
12:46amAlex

nothing's set in stone yet, though, is it?

12:47amRaven

no

but it will be

12:47amAlex

raven, you can make things sooo much better for yourself.

12:47amRaven

how

12:48amAlex

first off, you've got to learn to answer that question yourself.

12:50amAlex

i KNOW you've got more sense, more strength, more resources within yourself than you let show. You can stand on your own two feet, and that's why it surprises me when you get so devastated without a shoulder to cry on.

12:52amRaven

i just work best as part of a whole

always have

12:54amAlex

but thats just it, if you depend on people to make you happy, then they can also make you unhappy.

12:55amAlex

and when they do, you'll have nothing to make you happy again because the people upon which you depended to make you happy are now the cause of your misery. see what i mean?

Alex

when all else fails, which it inevitably does, you can only rely on yourself for happiness. so you should learn to do THAT instead of running away. you can only run so far.


Why do there have to be people here for me to miss?

Request

Could you twist the knife around a tad more?
Please and thank you.




I told myself I wouldn't do this. But I don't listen to anyone else. Why would I listen to myself?



An upside, ice skating on Sunday.
Get here now.

V Day

Johnny and I had a blast. Best one thusfar.



And now how am I?

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.





night.

Step by Step

Day by dayyyyyyyy.

I miss that show. :(



In the real though, I love new friends. And I'm just dandy as of late!


Stupid tattoos tonight with some of my frensssssss.
The soon to be greatest Valentine's Day EVERRRRRRR tomorrow with Johnny.
Woooooooooooo!



And, I'm sorry.

MELT

A Day Late

January 25

It’s not so easy caving in. But I find myself doing it more often these days. It should be easy to just let it go. When one is done so horridly wrong, it’s only more reason to get over it. I suppose it will help in the big picture. At least this way I will not be putting myself back into a situation where I’m being treated as though I am nothing. I can think back to the situation as a continual reminder of what I do not want. Of what I will never let someone do to me again.

I do not want to be that girl that cannot be alone. I know that I can do without a significant other in my life. I have proved this to myself during my time in Chicago. However, I will not go on to lie and say that I am happy on my own. This is just not the case. I have always functioned best as a part of a whole. I cope with life and stress best when I am able to share every shred of my being with another. I had almost given up on this idea in this bitter city until he came along. I did not expect much out of him. It was he who tried to win me over with talk of sweeping me off of my feet and working toward a loving, devoted relationship. Thinking back to the beginning of our time together is a little difficult still. It is incredibly hard for me to understand how someone can change so much in such a short amount of time.

I kept telling people as things worsened that he was not really like that. I explained that he just had a lot going on with him, but that I knew what he was really like. A compassionate, dedicated individual with so much to offer the people that he cares about. He spoke so much about being a gentleman and how he strived to be a great man. But in retrospect, I do not believe that he is anything close to that. And when he seemed to be, it was all a show. I honestly feel that he has to make himself come off as a good guy. And he does this when he thinks he wants something. I do not know if I have ever met someone so fake. Yes, FAKE. I think he can be great. But only when he wants to be and around whom he wants. It is as though he has to put on this show to prove to people that he is worthy of their time and friendship. Seriously, how many times did I meet any of his friends?

I honestly feel as though he just realized that I did not measure up to what he wanted me to be to enable him to appear to be the type of person he wanted others to think he was. Either I was not trendy enough. Or hip. Or attractive enough. Maybe I was not interested enough in being fake to please others. He told me himself that I was extremely kind hearted. Really, what else must I do to make someone else happy? Why can I not just care for someone and have that be enough for them? He said he did not think he was good enough for me. That was a constant excuse. So what can he say about the new girl? That she deserves less? Surely not. Therefore, he was just making excuses for me.

Whatever happened to being an honest person? Why could he not just tell me I was the one that was not good enough for him? I apparently did not deserve any sort of closure at all. Even bad closure would have been better than none at all. I deserved an apology and a goodbye if nothing else. This just further proves that he cared nothing for me. And he does not even care to have me as a friend now.

I am blown away by this entire situation. Never have I been so disrespected. Never have I met someone this cold and heartless. Never have I known someone so incredibly inconsiderate. A gentleman? I actually laugh at that. It amazes me to the point of almost being humorous.

I cared far too much for someone who cared nothing for me. And I cling to memories for far too long. One of my biggest issues is remembering good days. There’s his name written on my refrigerator. Lesa finally marked over it on my old bedroom door. I went to look out my window and there is the lighter and tissue he left on my window sill. I am cleaning off my table and there’s the little baggie he left. I go to put away my clothes in my closet and there’s the piece of leash he cut off after June Bug chewed through it during her stay with me. I do not sleep in my room by myself anymore. Too much. Oh but here’s the couch we held hands on the first night we met. Where are my black shoes and movies? Ahh…left them at his old apartment. Speaking of things left at his apartment…I bet he’s using them on her. Using them on her? Oh, and pleasing her with something else of mine. Friends want to go eat at Handlebar. HA. Seriously? So we went when I knew he was at work. It is all really quite ridiculous. And I am well aware of this. But for some reason I will not get rid of any of it. I am not to that point yet. I just feel so incomplete without some sort of closure. It really is painful for me. But I did not open up and tell him everything I felt for him. And that is for the best now. He does not deserve it. I am still rather new to the idea of being completely discarded by someone that I thought cared for me. But that happens to everyone I suppose. However, I never had to deal with it until I moved to Chicago. I will never be able to get used to that.

He cuts off all contact with me and I find out he has a new girlfriend…ON FACEBOOK. Oh, but I thought he was in no condition to be a part of a relationship and needed to work on himself. Ahhh…code for, “I am making excuses because I just do not want to be with you.” And he did not even have the decency to tell me. You were right, Adam Patrick Reiman. You are not good enough for me or anyone else for that matter. You are not a good person. You are selfish and inconsiderate. You are heartless and fake. You are a liar. And above all else, you are NOT a GENTLEMAN.

One thing I can walk away with is the realization that I need to do some serious work on myself. I cannot allow people to walk all over me. What does it say about how I view myself? I have had a problem with people mistakenly thinking that I am extremely conceited when in all actuality, I possess an amazing amount of self confidence. However, I have let people rip me apart in Chicago. I have actually let people make me feel insufficient and unworthy. Really? Me? This is so far out of my character.

I am a wonderful person. I am kind hearted, compassionate, hard working, giving, dedicated, easy going, committed, loyal, a great listener, understanding, forgiving, trustworthy, and I possess such an ability to love.

Anyone would be lucky to have me. And that is the honest truth. I have let people make me lose sight of this. But I am done with that. I am done settling for less than I deserve and letting people walk all over me.

Post Script

Kevin and Nathan with be here next Thursday through Monday. A little bit of southern IL here in Chicago.

Hopefully it'll be enough to keep me sane.
I need some genuine, good hearted people in my life.


Ohhhhhhhhhhh, and I'm almost over being sick. I've been eating solid foods again :)



I'm always a work in progress.

2009

We're off to a wonderful start.

I shouldn't have assumed that the weather would be the worst of it. This isn't about boys. For once, this isn't even about me. I received a call this week from my mother to inform me that my grandma has cancer. How does someone deal with that? I've never had anyone close to me diagnosed with cancer. I can't even say it out loud. It sounds so foreign. It sounds so definite.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm five hours away. I don't have any family here to talk to. My friends are busy with their own issues. And now I have this major issue thrown at me and I'm all alone. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to talk about it.

The person I wanted to be able to talk to about things now has a new girlfriend. Which he never told me about of course. Ohhhhh, he's cut all communication off with me period. So I'm not even worth being friends with, apparently.

It's funny how people can do that. Just all the sudden toss you to the side and forget about you. Not even the common decency to tell you before hand. OR apologize.

I can move it. Hasn't been the first time. Definitely won't be the last. But I can't without closure. I have to have goodbyes. That's how I've always been. And for the most part, I've been able to stay friends.

This is a whole new situation for me. I've never been this disrespected in my life. No, not even by Christopher. Never did I think I'd say that. But I moved to Chicago and am surrounded by people only looking out for themselves. Maybe I really am too nice to be here. I just expect too many great things out of people. And I'm constantly let down.

Oh, and I accidently had an after-after hours party last tuesday. Only to find people doing lines of coke in my bathroom and in the living room. It doesn't matter how great people seem when I meet them. They're all fucking screwed up. And I can't keep doing this.

I Think You Got Ahead of Me

Wants

I still find myself suffering at the hand of unrelenting inner turmoil.

How am I to distinguish my wants from my needs? At one time, this was as simple as choosing what to wear. Okay, bad example.

I just don't understand people.
Half the time, I'm not even sure that I understand myself.

I've been working on some improvements toward bettering myself. But who's to say that all of it is for the better?

I'm so tired of feeling alone.
I greatly desire to be wanted and appreciated.


I suppose that doesn't set me aside from anyone else.


I just want to be able to get all of my thoughts out in the open. But I feel that it would be pointless. Someone has to care in response to make it worthwhile.

So, I'm stuck once again. Writhing at the hand of another. At the hand of someone who has not a word to say to me.

Raven

just is.

Deep

I'm already there.

New Year

How could a night that started so horribly wrong end up so perfectly right?


Resolutions:

1. Save money.
2. Start back to school in the fall.
3. Get a puppy.
4. Pierce cheeks and nostril.
5. Settle into apartment and make it finally feel like home.
6. Find a good accountability partner.
7. Improve on not letting myself be walked all over.
8. Find another positive stress reliever.
9. Get a gym membership.
10. Take a homeless person out to eat with Jeenah Jones.
11. Color my hair for the first time in 3 years.
12. Start re-stretching my ears.
13. Start wearing contacts again.
14. Get another tattoo.
15. Take some sort of dance class.



Maybe more to be added on later.