Resolutions

One of my friends posted her resolutions for New Years today. This one particularly caught my eye:

"5. Be more independent. I rely too much on my friends and parents.. I want to be the girl who doesn't need anyone to make it in life."

I used to feel this way. And I suppose I still do in some aspects. I'd like to be able to take care of myself financially. I want to be capable of finding stability on my own.

But I've come to realize that life is meant to be spent with others. We aren't meant to wrestle with it alone. I may be able to take it on by myself but it's much easier with help and support from others. And I'm here to offer that to my friends and family as well. Independence is great at times. But when it comes to coping with harsh realities of life, I want to have others around to support me.

What Christian is completely independent? If you are a follower of Christ, He is your crutch. You are not meant to face the world alone. He is there for guidance and support.

Toss Up

I feel feel feel fell fell fell.


I'm incredibly stupid at times. But I can't change who I am. This is how I operate. I don't backtrack. I'm not capable of putting my feelings on hold. So here they are. And they aren't ready to go away and won't be put on pause.

Please don't make me regret it.



And despite popular belief, I don't just go off and whore myself around on my own time. All jokes aside, this isn't me. And my feelings are hurt when this is questioned even jokingly.

Dedication.
Something I have.
Something I'm okay with letting others know about.

So please don't question me. Me, the one who wants people to know that I care for someone and who that someone is.



Being as it's almost that time again, I'm in a mess of a hormonal state. But that doesn't make me think differently. I just feel more strongly about things that have already been running through my head.

Getting There

It's cold again. Chicago's weather enjoys nothing more than to tease its residents and then break them back down.

Lately, I've talked of being indifferent toward life. Nothing's unbearable horrid. Nothing's overly great.
Recently though, I've found that I am truly happy again at times. These times go as followed:

Work.
I love my coworkers. We have fun. We dance. We sing. We make fun of each other. And real life drama is never a factor.

Family.
I've grown a lot closer to every one in my family. And for that I am truly thankful. There is still a lot of progress to be made, but it's a good start.

Adam.
All labels aside, he's who I care for. We may not be at the place I'd like to be, but I've noticed a change for the better. And I can only hope it continues to build up to something great.

Friends.
Sara's back in the picture. Michelle will be back soon. And I can expect to see a lot of Jeenah in the very near future.

Roommate.
Lesa has a lot of mature advice to give and she's not afraid to hurt my feelings when it comes to the honest truth. I can only hope she continues to keep me in my place.



I would love to have more to add to this list in the near future.

Let the Record Show

Adam Patrick Reiman is wonderful.

Get Me Out of Here

I'm a hot mess.

I was happy to be around family again...but it's just not like it has been the past couple of visits. Before, I found myself not wanting to go back to Chicago. I liked being around familiar faces.

But at this moment, I have some of the worst anxiety I've had in quite some time. I'm antsy and can think of nothing other than getting out of here. I can't take it.

Nothing is wrong. No one is bothering me. I'm not overly bored. I'm not angry with anyone. I just want out. I can't take it.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. And why? I can't explain it which makes it all the more frustrating and scary. Yes, scary. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I have to get through another entire day after tonight, and then I'll be out.

All Shook Up

I'm still fighting off feelings of uneasiness from early this afternoon. I was caught completely off guard. My whole being was jarred and I was on the verge of tears.

It was such an unlikely occurrence. I want to place blame, but it's not as though someone actually did something wrong. Or well, nothing seriously wrong. Questionable, maybe. But not something I could say I haven't done in the past. And it just happened to be that one person. THE ONE person that could completely shake me up.

Sometimes I find myself reading too far into things. I think that there are signs in every day life to guide us. And if ever this were a sign, I should be running in the opposite direction, right?

When I feel that someone likes me more than I like them, I end up running the other way. This is in their best interest. I'd only make it worse for them by playing along when I know that nothing is going to develop on my end. However, when I feel that I have stronger feelings for someone than they do for me, it consumes my every thought. I don't get obsessive, but it seriously affects my moods. I need that happy medium. I need to know that the person I'm focusing so much time and effort on is in it with me 100%.

Clearly, this isn't possible for the time being. But it's something to work for? Or so I've gathered. I think that's what I'm being led to believe. We're trying to develop a real relationship, right?

That's all new for me. I don't devote time to someone to make myself develop feelings. Either they're there immediately, or they aren't worth waiting for. I mean, if it is possible to click with someone from the get go, why spend so much time and effort to make yourself feel the same way about someone else? Think of how much time you could be missing out on with someone that already cares for you.

Or maybe the feelings are there, but they need to be strengthened? Lordy, I don't know. I know how I feel, but that's about the extent of it.

And now I find myself almost afraid to speak of such feelings. I'm a firm believer in being open about how you feel about others. You can never show it enough. And it should never be something to be ashamed of. And I'm not. I just hate the thought of it being different on the other end.

I just so desperately long for depth. I desire romance. I need to know I'm cared for. I'm just used to being in relationships where those are the key elements from the get go. I'm not used to casual relationships and flings. I've had my fair share of those in Chicago already, and I'm not a fan. It's not what I want. I function best with another. That's the bottom line.

I keep seeing these glimmers of hope. I just wish it would all come together already.

Take it Off

Apparently I'm only good enough to physically satisfy guys. They don't even attempt to hide their intentions anymore. How can people have the nerve to pop off such obscenities without even thinking twice?

My self worth is dwindling.
And all I want is to know is that I'm cared for by someone.

The Little Things

I'm going to be alright in Chicago. I could leave, but I'd feel as though I was giving up on my mission to break away from my family and friends of the past. I don't want to rid myself of them completely, but I feel that I need to take care of myself. I've been doing it mentally and emotionally since I was still in middle school. So now that I am capable of supporting myself financially, I don't want to take any steps backward.

We all need support from family and friends. But I have a lot of pent up bitterness that I haven't found a release for quite yet. And it makes it easier to deal with people of the past in small doses. While I spend a lot less time around my family, I really feel that I've grown a lot closer. I talk to my mother nearly every day. However, I've never once tried to discuss issues from the past. It's just not something I am capable of attempting at the moment. I have a hard enough time trying to talk about current issues let alone dig up a history full of angst and bitterness.

I want to stay in Chicago because people here care about me and want me to stay. Again, maybe I'm needy. But I need to know that people truly want me around. Sure, people can visit me no matter where I take off to. But it's just not the same. I've been here for almost a year now, and I long to develop deep relationships with people that are longstanding. I feel that I've been let down by many that I held close. But it's a two way street. I have to continue to make an effort to ensure that these friendships and relationships are given the time and work that they need and deserve.

It's the little things in life that make it wonderful and worthwhile. In retrospect, it's the little things that can break one's spirit. Even the smallest of gestures can ruin my entire day. People need to be aware of others' feelings. I'm guilty of slacking in this department as well. But every friendship and relationship is a learning process. As time passes, I learn more and more about the people that I surround myself with. I'm becoming aware of their likes and their dislikes. What makes them smile and what genuinely hurts their feelings. What double standards are in place for me to work on breaking. And eventually as more time passes, I will have each of these people figured out. At least, that is my goal.

I want to know the people I surround myself with inside out. I desire depth. I need to feel comfortable being completely open with those I care about and I expect the same in return.

Sometimes I take things to heart that I shouldn't, but that's me. As I'm trying to learn about you all, I expect that you are working to know me as well. And as you learn these things about me, be conscious of them and alter the way you approach me. It shows respect and concern for my feelings and well being.

I'm not perfect. I make as many mistakes as anyone else. But when I do something that hurts you or bothers you, I want you to come to me about it without the anger and frustration initially. We can talk through it and if I am in fact at fault, I will apologize. And even if I don't feel I've done anything wrong, I will at least be sure to apologize for the way it affected you and made you feel. That's what people do when they truly care about others.

As Good as it Gets?

Anyone who truly knows me is aware of how tumultuous my life can be at times. Sometimes I think it's my own fault. I let myself get bogged down with day to day life and let others' moods have too great of an effect on my own. While this can be great at times, it appears that more often than not there is a far greater amount of negativity to be found in the world. Or maybe that's just me being pessimistic again.

This is not a post to complain about how horrid I have it. I do not think I have it in me to even attempt to make anyone understand what I'm feeling at this moment.

There are so many thoughts that have constantly been circulating throughout my head as of late.

I want stability. I want security. I want love. I want to be wanted. I want to hurry up and get paid. I want to really settle into Chicago. I want friendship. I want platonic relationships. I want to understand. I want to be patient. I want to learn to take others' advice. I want to be trusting. I want to be trusted. I want to know that it's all worth waiting for. I want to be appreciated. I want to erase all doubt.

I Want.
I Want.
I Want.

But what I need to focus on is figuring out what I need.


I used to be a hopeless romantic disguised as a realist. But now it's no secret that this isn't the case. I know what I want and need.

Has there been any real change spoken of sober?
Is getting along as good as it gets?


I'm not unhappy. I have my job back and soon will come financial stability and further responsibility that is much needed. I have a wonderful new roommate that provides mature advice and is always around to talk. I'm no longer stuck sitting around with nothing better to do than think about all the bad.

I just feel that there is so much more that I could possibly be experiencing. I feel as though I'm missing out on what matters to me most. I'm happiest with another. I have so much love and compassion to give. But I don't want to be the one giving it away. I want to share. I NEED to share.

Baby it's Cold Outside

WARM ME UP, ASSFACE.


Thanks.





p.s. Bennigan's is back. Visit me. I work like erryday.

Wonderful

I'm doing more than okay.


Job I love.
Awesome new roommate.
Fun nights.
Good times.



Maybe staying in Chicago wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Another Night

It's wonderful how just one night with someone to cuddle with can make all seem right in my life.

But now it's back to cold, hard reality.



I'm helping the new roommate move in all day.
Michelle's coming over later for hot chocolate.

Come help us.

Down

I hate being fake.
But at this point, there isn't much of a choice.

My stomach is in knots.
I feel as though I could cry my eyes out the rest of the night without running out of tears.

I'm not okay.
I'm just not.

And now I have so much to deal with when I get back all at once. I don't know how I even have the drive to do it.

Really?

NO I'M NOT OKAY WHEN IT COMES TO JOKING AROUND ABOUT OUR PAST RELATIONSHIP. YOU FUCKED MY BEST FRIEND AFTERWARD.

So, no, it's not alright and quite frankly will NEVER be alright to joke around about.

Stop giving me hard time about it. I'm not being unreasonable. I don't want to discuss anything about the past.

I'm not sad about it. I don't still have feelings. I'm not bitter. It's just bullshit, and I'm not cool with discussing it even casually.

Just leave it at that.
I have enough going on right now and I don't need anything else getting me riled up.

Violent Femmes

I need someone, a person to talk to
Someone who'd care, to love
Could it be you? Could it be you?

Situation gets rough, then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey kid you're sick
Well darling, this is it

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
[Yeah yeah]
Yeah, they do it all the time
[Yeah yeah]
They do it all the time
[Do it all the time]
They do it all the time
[Do it all the time]
They do it all the time
Do it all the time

I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record
Oh yeah?
Well don't get so distressed;
Did I happen to mention that I'm impressed?

I take 1, 1, 1 cuz you left me and
2, 2, 2 for my family and
3, 3, 3 for my heartache and
4, 4, 4 for my headaches! and
5, 5, 5 for my lonely and
6, 6, 6 for my sorrow and
7, 7 for nonono tomorrow and
8, 8 I forget what 8 was for! and
9, 9, 9 for a lost god and
10, 10, 10, 10 for everything
everything everything everything

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
[Yeah yeah]
Yeah, they do it all the time
[Yeah yeah]
They do it all the time
[Do it all the time]
They do it all the time
[Do it all the time]
They do it all the time
Do it all the time

Not Right Now

I am already sick of hearing about it. As soon as one person knows, everyone knows.

I just find it amusing that as soon as my status is changed, boys start showing up out of the wood works. Yeah, I'm sure you're all extremely sympathetic.

Well according to a former best friend, "Ever since Raven moved up to Chicago she's just turned into a huge whore." So, I shouldn't complain, right? Just people to get my mind off of it, huh? I love finding out how people really see me.


I keep going back and forth from being extremely pissed off and completely crushed. One second I'm bawling my eyes out and the next I'm making plans to get fucked up.

I'm already going insane because of my stupid hormones. I'm irritable as fuck. I feel like shit physically, mentally, and emotionally.


And yet, all I want at this moment is to see him.

First Aid Kit

Yeah you cooked his dinners
You raised his children and still
He's not satisfied
He says I rather switch with you
You don't now hard it is
To work from 9-5
But he speaks with his eyes closed
And even though you're not all alone
He's never there to be with you
And you remember when you were young
When life was new and it was fun
Now every corner's filled with dust

But you're not coming home tonight

You just took the train
And you left without a wave
Figured he'd never let you leave anyway
And now you're sitting on that train
Seeing life in a new way
And every forest sings a song
One for the heartbroken lovers
And one for the dreamers
And then there's one just for you
The wind's been humming on it all day
And the soil lies awake
Waiting for it's drum solo

'Cause you're not coming home tonight

The ship is sailing
I'll meet you on the other side
The future's unclear
But hopefully it will be fine

You're not coming home tonight

Kids

I swear, my sister and her boyfriend can be ridiculously stupid at times.
BUT, they're also entertaining as fuck.


It finally feels like winter here.
My feet are frozen.

I want some hot chocolate.


OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I think I have a puppy! I'm stoked.


And, I found the last Harry Potter movie that I've been missing, hahahaha. Oh brother.


I'm alright.
I'll be better after I get some food in me and take a nap.
Then some Guitar Hero? I think, YES.
Come over, kids.

Monday

My stomach's on fire.
My boobs hurt.
I'm irritable as fuck.
I have a killer migraine.
I'm running on three hours of sleep.
And I'm about to spend four hours at the courthouse for someone else.


What a way to start this wonderfully overcast Monday morning.
Oh, and it's snowing.

DANGGGGGGGG.

Excitement!

I've had one of the greatest evenings ever! I love Kevin Dodson so freaking much! I swear my life would be loads brighter with him in it all the time.

We went out to eat and I totally slipped our waiter his number. He got so embarrassed over it and rushed me outside. Hahaha. How does he ever plan to snag a guy playing it safe? We spent the rest of the night driving around listening to whimsical music and discussing life.

I'm pretty sure he's moving to Chicago in a couple of months. We're going to live together and experience the city together. I can't believe we lost touch like we did. That kid is seriously one of my best friends.

I can't wait to steal him away from his ultra conservative, judgmental family. They already told him how much of a bad influence I'd be on him. And their reasoning? Because they thought I didn't go to church when I lived in Salem. Seriously, people?


I really need to get back to the city. I cannot leave Jeenah there alone. I already feel terrible.

But that's about it. She cares about me, honest to God. And I haven't found many that I could say the same about.

Update

I've had some really great times as of late. It saddens me to know that I have to leave soon. I've told people that I'm going to stay for another week. But now I'm just not sure about that.

There's so much more I'd like to do. I'd love to spend more time with these people that I really care about who truly care for me in return. But I've come to realize this place isn't home anymore. Soon I have to head back to real life and responsibility.

And out of nowhere, I've begun to feel sort of homesick. Homesick for Chicago. All of the sudden, I really miss a select few. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I've done a lot of thinking since I've been here. I've really set my priorities straight. And I know what I want and what I DESERVE. I just cannot allow myself to continuously settle with merely being content. This goes for love, relationships, friendships, life in general.



I will be happy at all costs.

Clarification

My last blog was not about one specific person. If that were the case, I'd have given credit to the person who penned the quote. Reading it just set me to thinking and the blog was a result.

I'm not going to preach at someone for not believing in God. BUT, if you're going to denounce Him, don't give some bullshit excuses as to why you don't. It's such a cop out.

Now, if there is more to it, you have more to say, alright fine. Good for you. That would be another reason as to why this blog wasn't written TO YOU. Again, it was written out of frustration towards the masses of unintelligent dumbfucks that have no legitimate reasons as to why they believe what they believe.


SO if you took it personal, which you did, I apologize. Again, it wasn't written to you.

Frustration

"if there is a god, the things that go on in this world would not be happening.
i don't care about the adults.
i'm talking children.
starving,beat,molested,abused,raped the list goes on.
there is no god.
i am my own god. i make my choices and i live with them.
i make my own life, not some god."




I get sick of hearing the same old bullshit excuses as to why there can't be a God. God gave us free will. The ability to make our own choices and make our own paths. Now how fair and just would God be if He only gave "good" people the right to choose how they behave and what they do?

Stop blaming God for people's mistakes.


AND, if all was peachy-keen in the world, people would take life for granted. Hell, look at all the shit going on as it is and how many people already take it for granted.



I don't care to receive any replies on how I just don't understand because I haven't experienced the horrors of the world.

I grew up with two drug addicted parents who fucked up my sister's life. I was forced to take care of my siblings for years while my step dad was fucked up and my mom was so deep in depression that she never left her room. I was sexually abused as a child. I've lived my entire life for other people. And as soon as I make a decision for myself, I move away only to be used, lose most of what I have, and raped and molested by my first roommate and his friends.

I'm fucked up. I'm never happy for long. And I still worry mostly over how I can help other that I care about feel better only to be continuously taken for granted and pushed to the side.


But will I denounce my God?
No matter how bad I think I've had it, I know there are those out there that have had it worse. There are people that go through things I cannot even imagine.


God is not at fault.
WE are at fault.

Come On

I just want to enjoy my time here.

I get sick of everyone's drama rama.


Thanksgiving number two was great!
wooo.



Mister Deckard and I are out to watch BOLT.
Come meet up with us!


I'm super excited.
I could piss my pants.


xx

Thanks and such

It's about time I get along with my entire family for once.


And I'm having a great time with my friends.
It's nice to be happy.

Oh Brother

Why is everyone engaged or popping out babies?

Seriously, don't ask my opinion on it.
I'll tell you lots you won't want to hear.








I did so much laundry today. Wow.
Lots of family time and a scary movie with Barak.
I almost cried again.
It doesn't help that he lives in the middle of NOWHERE.



Ask me how I am.
I'm fine.

I'm keeping my spirits up enjoying my time with people who aren't leaving my life.

A few will be joining me in Chicago sooner than I had expected :)

Salem

I had a really great first day back. I didn't expect so many people to meet up with me on the first day. I had people calling me while I was still on the train home. The last people left at 5 in the a.m. AND, I actually had to tell someone that I just couldn't make time to hang out yet. I have plans all the way through Sunday. A week just may not be enough.


As much as I hate southern IL, I love visiting. Everyone knows me here. People FLOCK to me. And it's because they GENUINELY care about me. We've been through some crazy situations together. My phone has been ringing off the hook. People are trying to convince me to stay an extra week already.

If only I didn't hate the area so much, I think I'd never leave.

Again

idontcare.idontcare.idontcare.









But

I

DO.

Hum Dee Dum

Mmmmm!





It's nice to be in high spirits.






xx

I miss

making cinnamon pancakes for Sara at all hours of the day :(

No matter what, I gots you babe<3

50/50 on Friday. Woo, woo!






Today rules.

Snow

I walked in it today.
And it was beautiful.






I'm great.

Ick

I've awoken with a sick feeling in my gut. You know what I'm talking about. It isn't a physical pain and there's not much you can do to rid yourself of it.

I just feel that something is coming. Something unsettling. Then again, it could just be that I'm finally digesting this week.

I've been calling my mom a lot again lately. I'm still having some issues with how things were when I was around, but being away from them all has made me realize how much I still care about them all despite their downfalls in the past.

Then the news about Jake...Sadly, I wasn't around much to get to know him on a level that I would have liked. But from our few interactions, it was easy to tell that he was a great kid. I remember talking to him about God and the impact He has had on our lives and the like. I just can't believe he was only 17. That kid had a lot of heart.

They're still not sure what's wrong with my step dad. But they finally released him from the hospital and are trying him out on a couple of meds. It's scary having to worry about your parents. I've never really had to in the past. And it's not something I look forward to in the future.

I still blame myself for a lot of the issues my sister is having. Blehhhhh, but that's a story all in itself. Something I don't quite feel like getting into at the moment. I don't have the drive to type out a whole lot of feelings at the moment.

The other night, I found a book Matt bought me for my birthday back in the day. It basically goes on and on about how worrying is a sin. Haha. I cracked up when I first saw it. But basically it tries to explain that by worrying you aren't putting your faith in God to make things right. So, stress over worry is sinful. It still makes me giggle a bit.

God gave us the freedom to choose. We make our own decisions. If we mess up and stress ensues thus bringing about worry, that's just something we have to deal with. Now, I strongly believe in prayer and divine intervention, but one cannot expect God to bail him/her out every time they mess up. Stress and worry are a part of life. It's not a fun thought, but it's something one must learn to deal with. Now, I happen to take it above and beyond though. I worry much more than I should. But it's because I care. I want the ones I love and care about to be happy and safe.

The night before last I realized that things were just getting out of control with me. And for the first time in awhile, I sat down and just prayed my little heart out. I spilled all of my grief and worry out over the course of two hours holed up in my room. I let it all go. Recent issues, problems a long time coming. Stress I was suffering from. The stress of people I care about. My family. My friends. Previous friends I'd given up on for one reason or another.

Such an incredible feeling came over me. For the first time in quite awhile, I felt this blanket of calm come flooding over me. Just letting go of all that worry, stress, and guilt made me feel like a person starting over. I suppose that's why I worry so much over Adam. He doesn't seem to be letting any of the negativity go. And no one should have to keep that bottled up inside.

I was in a great mood yesterday I'm still in a pretty good mood today as well. I just need to stay focused on the positive. I tend to feed off of other people's emotions. And when I'm around people that are unhappy or bogged down with day to day life, it starts to build up on me. So my new goal is to try and brighten others' days. A little bit of positivity and genuine interest in another's feeling can go a long way.

Also, believe it or not, cleaning is a great mood upper. Yeah, it's a weird thought. But when I'm upset or just need some time to think, house cleaning and a shower can completely change my mood around. So I washed the dishes, scrubbed the stove, swept, mopped, and wiped the tables down. It's not even my apartment, but I feel wonderful.

I'm still a little sad to see Josh go. I've been avoiding him best I can because of it. It's just going to be so much different without him around. He was someone I was close to even when he was being a jerk. I found a girl that seem like a good choice for a replacement. I just hope we hit it off nicely and become close. I deal best when surrounded by people that I trust and care about.

Anywho, I'm going to take June and Molly out again. Blehhhhhh, I really need Cailey bug here! Adam has his two girls and their unconditional love, and I want mine! I'm trying not to get my hopes up though. There's no telling if I'll actually end up with her. But my mom did offer me a full blooded pom-poodle. They paid 600 for Fergie and then just gave her away! But now they have first pick in her litter. And my mom, knowing how hard I've been having it without Cailey here, told me I could have the puppy. I'm super excited.

Hope everyone has a fantabulous day.
laugh laugh laugh

xx

Newspapers

only depress me.

There are no emotions. Just clear cut facts.

"MARSHALL COUNTY, Ky. -- Another Marion teen has died as the result of a traffic accident.
Jacob Cato, 17, a senior at Marion High School, died early Saturday morning after hitting a deer while traveling west on Interstate 24 in Marshall County, Ky. The accident happened close to mile marker 25 near the Purchase Parkway interchange.

The Marshall County Sheriff's Department said sometime before 3 a.m. Saturday, a deer ran in front of the Ford Explorer being driven by Cato. The vehicle swerved into the median, then overcorrected to the right.

Both Cato and his passenger, Jamal Monyea of Marion, were ejected when the SUV rolled over 4-6 times and stopped in the median. Cato was pronounced dead at the scene; Monyea was taken by ambulance to Paducah's Lourdes Hospital, where he was later airlifted to Deaconess Hospital in Evansville, Ind."






You were a great kid, Jake.

Text Messages

I lock the ones that make me happy.



From: Christopher Glenn Phillips
I am here to talk you faggot.
Sep 5, 1:35 pm

Hahaha. While I've talked to him about things I've never uttered to another person, I don't think I'll ever have it in me to do anything more than scratch the surface on anything of depth with him again.

From Joshwaaa Chambers
In your mouth and everyone's coming...Mike said that.
Sep 15, 9:41 pm

I love and miss the old Josh and our ex roomie Mike. He never cooked for me like he said. AND, he still owes me ice cream.

From: Barak
Remember how we use to walk together like EVERY DAY and I'd always be late for class cause you insisted I walk you to yours first? lol.
Sep 15, 10:28 pm

Oh, Barak, how I miss you and my Junior year of high school. Now you're engaged and I fear we'll never be as close again. Blame it on me. I suck.

From: Lando Michael Winborn
Love you babe. And miss you. Even if I don't show it. Have fun. Be safe. And enjoy them while you can.
Sep 19, 8:50 pm

The only text saved from my birthday. Even though we go in and out of talking, let's stay life long pals, mmk? Miss you. Love you. Don't be a stranger.

From: Lando Michael Winborn
I hope I still matter. I miss you. Sorry I'm so busy. I wish I had more time. You're amazing. And I know you're tired of hearing it. But I mean it. Hope I can somehow see you.
Oct 9, 11:37 pm

And the winner with two!!! Haha. You're one of my best friends, and you'll always matter. And, you're one of only two people that tell me that I'm amazing. And neither of you are here with me. So, thanks, pal! And one day, one day I promise to visit.

From: Corey Fag
What time? I'm bringing bearded men.
Oct 16, 4:56 pm

Ahaha. This one makes me smile every time I read it. And for those of you who know why, kudos.

From: adam patrick
You're all mine now.
October 29, 10:51 pm

I don't just jump into relationships for the hell of it. The night before:

"I need a cigarette to talk about this.
I read your blog.
I want to be the one one that woos you.
I want to sweep you off your feet.
I want to be that boy."

I said we lacked depth, and after some convincing, he shared with me some very personal things about his past.
Lately, he's started to share little details. I appreciate it. But it's still lacking. I want to work with him. Give him time. But if he could just spill about his past that one night, I don't see how now is any different. I don't expect it to be easy or fun for him, but I feel as though we're just stuck. There's no real forward motion.

He's full of so much charm and compassion, but ever since I made our relationship official, he's given up on working towards anything.

He works a ridiculous amount. I feel bad for him. He doesn't really have much time for himself. And I think it's really getting to him. I don't hold that against him. He's doing what he has to survive. And I admire him for it.

He really is a great guy whether he realizes it or not. I think he's wonderful. He showed me a lot of his good side when we first started hanging out. He needs to give himself some more credit.

But now he's having all of these issues with his past. And I cannot help at all. I'm kept completely in the dark. There's nothing I hate more than knowing that someone I care about is having a hard time and I can't do anything to make it better. One thing that Christopher taught me, was to open up to someone. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But I felt a lot better afterward. One shouldn't have to hold onto all of that baggage. Let it out. Let it go.

I also have a really big issue with disrespect. I don't freak out over stupid comments and remarks on the internet because I myself mess around at times. Just being silly. Not taking things very seriously. But I don't comment on my ex's pictures stating that's where I first fell for him or show that I'm still hung up on him through my status. So once again, damn that Facebook and its lovely newsfeed.

An upside, I think I'm going to go home for Thanksgiving. Well, not home, but Colorado. The fam is going meeting up at Venedy's for a few days. I really need a break from Chicago. It'll be the first time in three months.

I need my Cailey Bug back. I can shower all my love and affection on her. Her love is unconditional and I cannot be down with her around.

Bleh, being a hopeless romantic can sure get old. But I cannot imagine being any other way. I was made to love. Love isn't something we make up just to pass the time. For me, to love is to live. I could not live without love. It's easy to love people who want to be loved. But I need to work on loving those who don't. I really think that's what I was created for. To spread love. I often times get sidetracked with my own issues, but who doesn't need improvement? I'm a work on it.



And I'll end with thoughts from an old friend of mine:
" I used to think I knew everything and that love was nothing more than something we've all made up to pass the time...I was wrong, and I am thankful for that. You know love is real when it finds you when you weren't trying to find it. I'm glad she found me."


sigh.

No Sleep

I wrote up another blog after this night.
But I deleted it.

Done being passive aggressive.
When he wakes up, talk time.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. And I end up censoring them when I blog anyway. So I might as well just get out what I need to.




I've had a rough week so far whether I've shown it or not.
Sometimes, my emotions all come pouring out at once after being bottled up.
And I've already begun showing signs of collapse.
Just cut me some slack.

AND Raven Ann

is sick to her stomach from having to see it bothers him.





Eff Facebook.
Sometimes, I could do without the updates.

Really?

Three separate hospitals in two days and they still don't know what's wrong with my dad's heart.


Seriously?

Blast from the Past

I was going through my old photobucket account and found some great shots. Hahahaha. I'll let you see for yourself.














For even more embarrassing pictures, feel free to lurk my photobucket. I have an entire album devoted to Sonny Moore and super lame dp. Go on. Laugh.

http://s26.photobucket.com/albums/c143/xxpapercutheartxx/

Mess

I hate feeling as though I'm constantly being compared to someone else.
I feel as though I'm one big disappointment. As though I don't measure up.


It could all be in my head.
But maybe it's not.



Who's here?
Who isn't?

I Love Jesus

A friend very near and dear to me confessed to me over the phone that he is now an atheist. When met with my shock and confusion, he went on laughing and giving me all of these b/s excuses as to how there couldn't possibly be a God. He tried telling me that evolution explains too much in order for there to be a higher power. What does this kid even know about evolution? He tried feeding me regurgitated nonsense as though I were going to nod my head and say, "Yes, Zak. You're absolutely right. How did I not think of that?!"

Really, Zak. Really???

I'm the one that got him into FCC to begin with. Did he really think he was going to explain it all away to me like that?

I recently started talking to some old friends from home that were follow devout FCC goers, and to my surprise, many of them are under the impression that I am no longer a follower of Christ. When asked where they would come to this ridiculous conclusion, all three of them brought up my departure from FCC.

I suppose I might have went slightly overboard. The verbal war with the youth leaders. Blatantly telling off the youth minister in the parking lot. All in front of parents, members, and youth leaders. But I was fed up with their views, new rules, and blatant disrespect for anyone disagreed with them. I had been attending that church for quite some time. I had very personal relationships with the youth minister and other members. I was more than willing to help out. I had been on mission trips and never missed a conference. I loved those people and respected them more than I did some of my own family members. I recruited numerous kids into their youth group. But things changed. I no longer agreed with the direction they were going in. And I felt stifled. I was no longer growing in Christ the way I felt I should. I disagreed with what they were feeding these new comers. All glitz, bright lights, and celebrities.

But just because I disagreed with their views doesn't mean that I turned my back on Christ all together. I tried a few other churches. None ever filled the void. So I started doing my own Bible studies. I discussed the Word with fellow Christians and non Christians. I wanted to hear as many views as possible. I took a few religion classes in college as well. I love coming across new Christian literature that stirs something in me.

I may not dress myself up and make the trip to church every Sunday, but I don't believe that is what sets a person apart as a Christian.

Sure, I make mistakes. I do things I know that I shouldn't. But I love Christ with all I have.

It really saddens me to witness those I love falling away from that.

Fraidy Cat

No one is a bigger scaredy cat than myself when it comes to relationships. But you have to learn to get over that if you ever plan on being happy.




Ohhhh...
sidenote.

I'm looking for a new roommate, I think. Josh is supposed to be moving out next month.

Bleh.

Beer and Scrabble?

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

Is that not the greatest date of all time?
How many times have I begged people to play Scrabble?

And then, out of nowhere, some drunken Prince Charming waltzes into Michele's apartment on Halloween, bestows upon her the most passionate, sparks flying, Clark Gable-esque kiss imaginable, AND THEN LATER ASKS HER TO HAVE A BEER AND SCRABBLE DATE.

Immediate chemistry. He's pursuing her like crazy.

Come on. COME ON.



Gahhhhhhh.



And the best part, from the very beginning, she knew it was something that would impress me. So, she invited Adam and I to make it a double date. However, she planned it for tonight. Adam is working and then has plans with his friend Micah. (Oddly enough, the same name of the mystery guy Michele is seeing.)

Which means...
I get to enjoy beer and Scrabble alone with the two kids.




I want spontaneity.


Call me immature.
I don't care. I like fun. I love board games. I get excited over ice cream sundaes. I'm always up for rolling around on the floor playing with the dogs. I like making messes and then kissing them off.

I hate the same thing day after day. Now matter how down I can get, I love life. I hate taking everything so seriously. I want to be caught off guard.

There are so many things to look forward to in the winter. Ice skating, playing in the snow, hot chocolate, decorating Christmas trees, sledding, stringing popcorn, carmel apples, peppermint sticks, snowball fights, snowmen, and best of all, curling up with someone special at the end of the day and sharing each other's warmth. Winter is a time for the young at heart. And that I can do.


I swear, I'm not overly needy.
I just need to know that I'm cared for.

And me wrapping my arms around someone and nestling my face in his neck while showering him with cute little kisses ever now and again for a complete five minutes ONLY FOR HIM TO TAKE ABSOLUTELY NO NOTICE OF ME is not showing me that. He didn't even acknowledge my presence. Really? REALLY?

I understand that people work. People get tired. But I should NEVER have to question if the person I'm dating actually likes me.

Sometimes I feel like when he's looking at me, he's not even seeing me.

And this is all a lot that should be discussed with him. But it's nearly impossible. He never seems to want to talk about anything serious with me.

Maybe I just read too far into things. It wouldn't be the first time a girl was overly emotional.

He does say some really sweet things at times. And he calls me cutesy pet names, and he told me the other night that we needed to go away and do something together. He suggested seeing my family. That makes me think that I might just be reading into things too much. And hopefully that is the case.


But for now, I'm off to shower, eat, and head over to Michele's.


Holler.

Sometimes

I just don't know.




I'm not a fucking mind reader.

Yes

It's amazing how safe another person can make you feel.

Breakfast

I love actually going out and doing things. Especially after 7 hours of laundry the night before. Mmhmm!

I'm starting to think that cheesecake stuffed french toast was a bad choice. I can't handle a lot of sweetness in the morning. I have more than enough in my coffee. But french toast, waffles, and pancakes always get me excited. It cannot be helped.


I find myself in a pretty good spot right now. I've had my doubts. But can anyone blame me for wanting to be cautious? I don't possess the greatest of track records, after all.

We started off being really affectionate and close very early on. It's not often that people are that comfortable around each other from the get go. But, I've been told many of times that I have a knack for making people feel that way around me. I guess I'm just really chill, right? Haha. Bleh. I suppose it just goes back to the whole "love being in love" feelings I have. If I connect with someone and feel that I want to really give them a chance, I just tend to let things happen without guarding myself. I suppose that could end very badly. And it has more than once. But sometimes, seldom really, someone really makes a mark. And I can tell pretty early on that they are going to impact me in a positive way. Does that mean marriage and kids down the road? Not necessarily. But I believe every person one encounters is meant to make an impact. Relationships, no matter the length, help one learn about themselves and will eventually benefit him/her in one way or another.

Even relationships that go horribly wrong. As much as it can hurt, as horrible as you may feel, surely it was worth it if you truly cared for the other person. At the end of my life, I want to be able to look back on good memories. There will be no point focusing in on the bad at 80 years old, now is there? No, you block that out. You remember the walks, the conversations, the heart to hearts, the sharing your life with others. This holds true with all relationships, be them romantic or platonic friendships.

I have had more experience with relationships than I probably should have at the age of 20. It's no secret that I moved out at 17 to live with a boy. We were engaged a month shy of my 18th birthday. HA. Engaged? Can you believe it? Sometimes, I can't even believe it, and I lived it. And I was never one of those stupid, "we've been dating for a month and I already love him," sort of girls. I'm still not. Which is why I hate discussing the topic with people. They automatically assume that I'm extremely immature and don't have the ability to think things through. I promise you, this is not the case. I've never taken back saying I love you to anyone. I hold a great deal of compassion and if I love you, you'll know. I'll make sure of it. I'm so sick of people censoring their feelings because they don't want to seem fickle. People don't want to say "I love you" for the mere fact that most believe it loses its meaning if it's thrown around. How is that? If you love someone, you don't hide that! Who cares what anyone else thinks? I read a study awhile back and within it I found some statistics on "love." It went on to say that the average person falls in love an average of three times in high school alone. Now, I'm sure you're thinking, that's useless information. What do kids know about love?

You don't have to feel strongly enough to want to marry the person you are with to love them. Think about it this way. Your friends, you love them, right? You care about them more than anything, right? They always come first, right? (After God, family, yadda, yadda...) Your significant other should be one of your best friends, if not best after spending enough time with him/her. You may never fall 'in love' with them. But how can you continue dating someone that you do not love? You can't! Unless you're heartless, or just don't care. It's something that develops as you spend more and more time with someone of interest.

I'm not trying to say that I am already to this point. I really care about my someone as of now. But again, I'm really not one to jump the gun. If I feel it, it'll be known. If it lasts to that level, wonderful. There's nothing greater than sharing that with someone.

I never enter into an official relationship unless I am convinced that there is something worth working toward. If I don't feel a connection early on, scrap it. But I also have to have some assurance that the other partner is serious. It's pointless to enter a relationship if you only expect it to last for a few weeks or a couple of months. It's something I refuse to do. Why waste your time on something casual when there is potential for so much more out there?

You told me you wanted to be the one to woo me.
You said you wanted to be the one to sweep me off my feet.
These were your words. Don't forget that.
You have that opportunity.

For some reason, I feel that you are a very trustworthy person. And you have the ability to make me feel safe. I cannot seem to be able to stay frustrated by you for very long. You were a gentleman towards me from the very get go and I believe it is something you truly strive for.


I love being around him. I love his adorable Molly Mei and June Bug(who snores just like him). I love listening to him sing to me. I love his smile. I love kissing his face all over. I love being close to him. I love that he actually wants to spend time with me. I love spending every night in his arms. And one of the greatest things of all, I love how he makes me feel. If that were missing, what would be the point? You should always find a way to uplift others. Though we tend to lose sight of that at times, there is no excuse for it in a relationship. You shouldn't even have to say anything. People should know how you feel by your actions alone.

Some people tell me I expect too much out of people. I disagree. I know what I want out of a relationship. I'm picky because I need to be. Why settle for being content when you could be happy?

I tend to have a lot going on with me at times, but he does make me happy. Yes, YOU SIR, make me happy. And that's enough for me to think it's worth it.


Getting over the past can be difficult. But let the record show, Justin doesn't phase me. It's done and over with. It was done and over with long before it even ended. So never let it bother you. And if it does, don't hesitate to talk to me about it. I'm an open book. Anything you want to know or discuss, just ask.




Mmmm...I've been listening to a lot of Neva Dinova.
Totally off topic. But deal.
I loveee it.


Anywho, I'm feeling really full and sleepy. I'm going to nap for a bit and then continue on with my day.


love.love.

I Wanna

kiss your face all ova!

Love

I loveeee Molly Mei and June Bug.
They are adorable and fun-loving.
They really boost my mood.

Not to mention, their owner isn't half bad either :)





If I can just get through this month, I'll be great. Better than great. Wonderful. And I cannot wait. I'm trying to be optimistic. I don't want to be content with life. I want to be HAPPY. And I'm making some great leaps forward the past couple of days. I just have to keep my morale up. So, help me to. Thanks :)

Mmhmm!

I miss a boy.



Free Clarke's today.

My baby, Cailey, in a week.



Obama rally. Woo.




AND, I was rehired full time at Bennigan's :)




I love life.
And I'm staying in Chicago.

Ahem

You, sir, are great.

But to no one in particular, Delaware sucks.
Jus' sayin'.




Jeenah rules.



Nick makes good french toast.




CHEESE AND CRACKER.
(always a happy thought)





Jeenah and Raven photoshoot soon. Nick behind camera. Maybe artistic nudity.



We love eachother.


Friends make me happy.



Stupid people from Long Island should learn to call back.



AND, I still need a puppy.



love, love, LOVE.


-moi<333

Dark

Maybe if I could motivate myself to not sleep all the time, I wouldn't get so down. Getting up as it's getting dark is no fun.

I'm going to take these adorable girls out again and then head home. Food would be nice. Then a trip to see Jeenah. I really don't feel like the trek all the way over there. But I can't sit around alone all the time.

Yesterday, I finally saw Jelani again. Bleh, I miss Bennigan's. Only the greatest coworkers of all time. It makes me miss the summer even more. Ugh, the cold hasn't even gotten bad yet. And I'm already in a seasonal depression. Get me outta here.

.

Empty.

What is my Deal?

And so it begins again.
I'm stuck in another rut.

I don't understand how one day I can be completely happy and the next I lose all interest in everything. I'm not unhappy. I just don't care. It comes and goes. I can't seem to find any real reason for it.

I guess it just goes back to me never being satisfied...at least not for long. I lose interest far too quickly. It just takes me a little time to find all of the bad in something new, and it loses all it's previous splendor. That's my problem with Chicago among numerous other things.

I put on this front that I'm fine. I appear to brush things off without a care in the world.

This couldn't be farther from the truth.

I am self conscious.
I am jealous mess.
I am never good enough.
I am a push over.
I am constantly comparing myself to others.
I am lost.



Surprised?
I am usually bursting with self confidence.
So much so that it often times pisses people off. They think I'm far too into myself.

But in all actuality, it's more of a ploy to convince people that I like myself. That I like who I am. People are naturally drawn to others who are full of confidence. And if I can make people believe that I like who I am, they'll naturally like me and want to be around me.



Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself. I do have some good qualities. I am extremely loyal. I can be very trustworthy. I am full of compassion. I have an endless amount of dreams and ambitions. I have a great capacity to love.

But that hasn't kept me safe. I've still been abused and discarded. At one point, I really believed I was wonderful. People have just shown me that they beg to differ.

It's a part of growing up, right? The world isn't full of rainbows and sunshine. Leaving home and being on your own isn't easy. And it only gets increasingly harder.

I desire stability and certainty.
I want to care and be cared for.


My gramma would tell me I need to go back to church.

Play it Safe

I have been hesitant lately to make a decision about someone due to many failed attempts at developing a relationship with most of the douchebags I've met here in Chicago.

I've held off because I felt that we lacked depth. I want to share everything with my significant other and expect to learn all there is about him in return. I think we're on the right track now.

I've wasted so much time on guys that were never worth my time. And I think that it's finally time to give a genuinely great guy a chance for a change.

I think he's wonderful.

He really is a "gentleman" which is extremely hard to find these days. He treats me amazingly well and I feel that he is a very trustworthy person.

But best of all, he isn't afraid to put me in my place when needed. I'm accustomed to dealing with extremely immature individuals and often times found myself lecturing them. Finally, someone I may be able to learn a thing or two from.

Ready

I have experienced more than my fair share of ups and downs this year. The relationship department reflects this as well. I have undergone numerous life changes and have finally found a bit of stability to try and hold onto.

Some find me to be a tad wishy-washy when it comes to boys. Especially here in Chicago. Sadly, my last REAL relationship was with Dustin Morrisson and ended shortly after I made the move up here to Chicago. I have had two boyfriends since I've been here. One with Justin number 2, which I can't help but feel that I was sort of pushed into. And then there was Christopher Glenn Phillips that you've all heard enough about. Needless to say, the absolute worst and BEST relationship I've ever been in. Scoff. Do it.

There are the boys in between there. But none that ever developed into a relationship for one reason or another. Either I wasn't good enough to date, or I didn't find them worth the time and effort. It's a little harsh, but the honest truth.

I don't know... When it comes to actually entering into a relationship, I can be extremely picky. I just feel that if you are committing into a relationship, you have to have some long term goals to fulfill with this significant other. So, I never enter into a relationship that I don't see going somewhere or lasting for some time.

I desire to be wooed. I want to be swept off my feet. If there isn't some sort of spark within the first few times of hanging out with someone, I end it. There's no point making yourself want to be with someone. Sure, I've liked many boys. But that doesn't mean I can see myself staying with them. I have to just "feel" it right away. No, not love at first sight. Just an instant connection. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

I realize now that is why I've had such a hard time getting over Christopher(not to be confused with Chris). I felt an immediate connection with him. I've never had such enormous feelings for someone just hit me in the face like that before. It's almost unbelievable that it can happen like it did. Even if it was one sided. It's taken me a lot of time to realize that I don't regret what I did. I don't regret spending the money to see him. I don't regret quitting my second job to be able to visit. I don't regret any of it. It was one of the best times I've ever had. And I think it will be for quite some time. I think I'm finally at ease about it. At least, as much as I can be.

Next time around though, I don't want it to be one sided. Someone will care about me just as much as I do about them. And I'm finally ready for that to happen again. For awhile I was pretty pessimistic about relationships and monogamy. But I've always been such a hopeless romantic. I love being in love. That's what I was created for. To love with all my heart and share every aspect of my life with someone who desires to do the same with me.

I'm incredibly indecisive about so many aspects of my life. But not about this. I never want to settle with merely being content with a person. I will love with all I have. But I only desire to share it with someone who can do the same for me.

WIsh me luck

I have an interview at a marketing firm tomorrow.
I really need this job.

It's totally legit.
I have to be all grown up and dress the part.

Wouldn't my mother be happy?
Whatevs.

I just need the money.
And I have to grow up sometime, I suppose.




Josh is moving out over the summer, I believe.
We're going to have an extra room.
I'd love to fill it with someone I know.

Soooo, if you're interested in moving to Chicago for school or whatever this coming fall, lemme know. We know how to have fun. Plus, you don't have to sign a lease. Super cheap rent, and rad roommates.







Rainforest Cafe is a thing of the past.
Fuck you, Pearl Washington.

Morals

Apparently, I don't respect people's choice to stay virgins until marriage.

Oh please.



You're right.
I'm absolutely horrid.
In fact, I feel that I have no moral obligations at all.



Come over tonight.
Let's get fucked up and have mass orgies.



Everyone's invited.

ahhhhhhhhhh

I feel like shit.
I shouldn't be up yet.




I'm getting really tired of feeling unimportant.
It's nice to finally have someone around that makes me feel special again.


It's the best feeling in the world to have someone to make you feel like your time here is worthwhile.

zzzzzzzz

I'm missing out on Adam and Raven's sleep mix tonight.


Bummer.




I'm putting in my two weeks.
My job makes me hate life.

Happy

happy!happy!happy!

20!

Apparently, I throw kick ass parties.

I finally had a night of the weekend off to have my birthday bash a month late. It was one of the greatest nights I've had in an incredibly long time.


I promise to do it again soon. Just please don't invite slutty German girls or get the police called on us. Whiskey will forever be banned except for Justin. Apparently none of the other guys know when to stop. Also, the Mario Kart tournament will actually go down next time around.


Last night was the best. It's a nice change to meet legit people. It's tiresome meeting heaps of pretentious trust fund kids all the time.

Speaking of legit, adrock is at the top of that list. Fa sho.




Oh, so some people care.
But there are still very few that matter.


And yes, Raab, you're not a pisces :)
Gramma would approve.

lolzzz

Why am I ever surprised by people anymore?
You'd think I'd eventually learn a lesson.





Not so.






My grandma told me last night to stay away from Pisces.
Haha. Best advice yet.










No one cares.
And very few matter to me anymore.

A Day Late

9:58 last night.


I find myself thinking a lot lately.
Thinking about life.
Thinking about love.
Thinking about nothing at all.

Everyone has their place of solitude.
At home, mine was the reservoir. Preferably at night. I could spend endless hours out there. I was completely at ease.
It’s harder to find that here. The city is huge. It’s loud. It’s bright. And it’s packed. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode. I have so much held inside and no place to clear my head.

The shower.
I have learned to multitask. Kind of neat. Get physically clean while clearing out all the junk going on inside of my head.

Sometimes I know what I’m thinking about. Something that’s been causing me grief or getting to me. I often times start off by trying to find a solution to a problem. Often times though, I find myself completely lost in thought. I don’t even realize it until the water is frigid. I don’t even notice the gradual change in temperature. And then, I can’t remember for the life of me what I was even thinking about in the first place. All I know is that I’m standing stark naked, chilled to the bone, and blasted an hour and a half into the future.

I used to tell claim to be a generally happy person unless something bad happened that caused me a brief moment of unhappiness. It finally hit me a few weeks ago that this no longer holds true. I find that now days I’m generally unhappy unless something good happens that grants me a slight taste of happiness.

For awhile I had a lot to be unhappy about. Horrid things had happened. Many events and circumstances I swore I’d never whisper to anyone. But I did. I told all to one person. The person who made me feel things I’d never felt so strongly before…not to mention as quickly as I did. And of all the people that could, that one person let me down. He didn’t just let me down. He tore me apart. Time and time again. I’m not stupid. I knew better. But I let him do it anyway. Funny things love will do to a person. Scoff if you’d like. But love it was. At least on one side. We haven’t spoken in a couple of weeks. I promised everyone I’d stop talking to him. It was only making it worse for me, right? Only the longer I go without speaking to him, the more I miss him. The more I think about him. The more miserable it makes me. And that only further convinces me that what I felt, what I feel, is real.

I will leave all I have here behind to be with him in a heartbeat.
It’s the honest truth.
But only if he feels the same way.
Which he doesn’t.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever truly did. I will more than likely never know. I’m not even sure that he knows, honestly. That’s a sad thought. He had me. Someone that was always going to be there. Someone that wanted to know everything about him. Someone who didn’t just listen but also genuinely cared.

How pathetic am I? Here it is three months since I was there and I’m babbling on about him again. I stopped to make people think I was over it. More so to convince myself I was over it. But I’m done with all of that. This is how I feel. This is where I write about my thoughts and feelings. And this is what consumes most of my thoughts daily. So there you go. Another dose of my feelings for the one person I want the most. The one person that’s probably the worst for me.

Even beyond that whole mess, I’m not a particularly happy person these days. Why, you ask? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I could go back to a therapist. But I already know what he/she would have to say. They’d blame it on my previously coke and meth addicted parents. My shattered and unstable home life as a kid. Moving in with my fiancé at seventeen years of age. Rape. My run with being homeless in the city.

They’d tell me it runs in my family.
Depression.
Bi polar disorder.
Schizophrenia.
Eating disorders.
They’d tell me I’m lucky I don’t suffer from all of it with all the shit in my life. Then they’d put me on a script like they did before. I was in the eighth grade. What did I have to be unhappy about?? Nothing. So why was I so unhappy? I haven’t thought about in quite some time. My hectic home life? No. I wasn’t particular stoked about it, but it wasn’t something I ever let get to me. I was always such an optimist. But one day I just wasn’t happy anymore. It lasted for quite some time, I suppose. But I don’t recall when it ended. I just one day decided I didn’t want to take the meds. And I was fine again. And here I am again. Completely unhappy. But why? It’s easy to blame it on shitty things that have happened. But they aren’t the cause. I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore.


Justin called me tonight. Justin number one. Justin the ex fiancé that started dating my ex best friend. Justin that I haven’t verbally spoken to in at least six months. I didn’t yell at him. I didn’t tell him he was worthless. I didn’t try to hurt his feelings. We just talked. We even laughed. Jackie did him in. I’d like to say, “Go figure. What’d you expect?” But truth be told, I was almost convinced it was going to work out for them. They both seemed extremely happy from what I could tell. Then again, I wasn’t speaking to either of them, so I don’t really know what all went on down there. But I was almost happy for them. They were two people that I had cared a lot about. Of course I wanted them to be happy deep down no matter what that meant. He said he’d been reading my blog for quite some time and I hadn’t written in awhile. He wanted to know how I’d been.

How am I doing? I suppose I have a lot to be thankful for. I finally have stability in my life again. I have a steady job. I have an apartment with two great roommates. I have loads of friends. I have money to live on. I have money to blow. I have a family that is always here when I need them. I have people that genuinely care about me and how I’m doing.

It’s odd. You spent all that time telling me how horrid my friends are and how they treat me like shit. Take me for granted. Use me. You told me I didn’t deserve that. Think about that, will you? What did YOU do to me? The one person I let my guard down for.

Josh, Matt, and I, the three roomies, went out for a bit today together. Pizza and Reckless Records. It was great. I bought a Pat Benatar record and Pit Er Pat album on vinyl. Ohhhhhhhh, and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure on DVD. So there are little things that perk me up at times  It’s getting better slowly. I’m working on trying to be more optimistic.

Oh, a plus +
Josh and I went grocery shopping today. We now have eight boxes of cereal.
A minus -
We didn’t get any milk.

PANCAKES.
I’m super stoked about that.

But now Joshua is bored and forcing me out of the room to have me watch them play Star Wars. I’m not half complaining.

One Day

I will get back to actually updating this.
I just find that lately I have so much on my mind, it'd take ages to get out.


My birthday sucked ass.
But Josh got me some balloons.


Mike's moving out the first, sadly. But in comes Matt.





Someone come save me from work.

Happy Birthday

to me.

Worker Bee #7438F87904

I can't help but to feel that I'm always here at your convenience.
I don't desire to be wanted only when you feel that you have no one left.

I'm #5(Retarded)

I totally didn't have to work today. Ugh.
I don't work tomorrow either.
It's kind of nice.

But I'm a be bored as heck.
Hang out?
Thanks.


I'm starting to feel a little better.
Michelle took great care of me :)
I love her.
AND, I saw Sara today for the first time since I moved out. I need to see her face more often. For reals.


I cannot wait to start work on my fish tankkk. Kyle has drawn up some sweet stuff. I just need to decide on placement. It's nice having him a three minute walk away. Mmmhmm!

My birthday is next Friday. Crazy. Come over Saturday. We're going to be having loadsss of fun. Cowboys and Indians themed. Don't miss out.

Surprise, Surprise

At the most random timesss...
Richmond soonish.






Work at 4. Ick.
Make the cold go away.
Jamie, get your face here.
Thanks.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

I haven't been this sick in awhile. I feel horrid. I can't breathe, I have a killer headache, and I keep hacking up Lord knows what. That's what I get for walking around in the freezing rain in canvas shoes and no jacket...twice!

Kyle touched up my arm yesterday. However, I almost suffocated from being all stuffy lying facedown. He saved the day with a Claritin. I'd felt the best I had in quite some time. I need to go get me some. That Sudafed did nothing for me.

He's drawing me up a goldfish now. I'm not sure where to put it yet. I don't think I want it on the same arm, but I said I didn't want to move onto the other arm until this one was finished.

I let Brent stay over the other night because he was trashed walking around at four in the morning. I had to work at 8am. I called him on break to see if he was still at my apartment. He was so fucked up, he didn't even remember who's place he was at. Sometimes, I seriously just want to strangle him. Needless to say, when he walked in as I was leaving Kyle's, he didn't even try to speak to me. He knew I was pissed off.

Jamie's still coming soon. That's something to look forward to. However, I find myself thinking more and more that I'm not really worth his time. We have very different views and morals when it comes to some pretty serious issues. Sometimes I feel terrible about him settling for someone like me. I don't feel like I'm a bad person. But I've done many of the things he's so set against. So what sets me apart from those kids he speaks out on?
"
I finally met the new roommate. He's pretty chill. He wants me to invite hot girls over. Yes, another Joshua. I prefer living with guys over girls, but some things are going to drive me crazy. I'm not here to provide them with girls to scam on.




I'm beginning to feel really lonely again. I just want it to stop. I want to be surrounded by people that care. I want to know who's really worth my time.

Jeenah Jonesss

Is listening to sweet 80's music across from me.


I have to work at 5. Lame. I got the job at H&M. I'm working both. Make that money.

I still haven't bumped into the new roommate yet. He's always in bed by the time I make it home and at work by the time I wake up. Perfect. I'm beginning to doubt his existence.

I met up with Brent for tacos last night. Cutting out optical illusions from his calendar, 60's images, and Negra Modelo. Missed that kid. Back there Monday for Kyle to touch up my arm. Sweettt. Oh, and their fourth roommate finally came back from where the hell ever. First time meeting him. Cool guy. I want him to paint me something for my room.

Ohhh, Jamie will be back in a couple of weeks. I'm a make him stay fo-evaaa.
Seriously.

Over

My train back to Chicago leaves at 8 in the a.m.


I'm not happy.
I don't want to go.

Getting out isn't as great if you have no one to share it with.
It's really starting to tear me up inside.




I found someone that's good for me for a change.
I'm torn. I don't even know why I'm going back anymore.

Oh, and

"I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I miss a certain young lady, or at least what I thought we had. So Raven, (don't act like you didn't know that's who I was talking about) even though right now I'm hard headed and I can't apologize because I 'see nothing wrong'. I want to apologize via blog, maybe some day I'll grow up and realize something I am missing right now, but for now I am sorry for how you found out and I am sorry for everything else. Chances are you won't read this, actually I'm three thousand percent sure you will not, but in the small chance that you do this is my semi apology. I'll get guts eventually and no I don't expect you to accept it at all. I do love you and I hope things look up for you."

I still love Jackie.

Ecstatic

I can't even begin to describe...
Amazing day with Mark and Jamie in the city.
All nighter drive home.

Mark passed out.
Truth game with Jamie.

I made him blush.



I love my family.
Swimming tomorrow for the first time in 3 years.
Yes, really swimming.
Stoked.


Jamie gets to meet the fam.
Look out, kid.


'nuff for now.

Homeward Bound

Tomorrow night after work.
Ahhhhh!

Fridayyy

I'm really not a bad person.
I'm just not up for settling.
You can't make others happy if you're not happy.

Wow.
So he did make the right decision.

Funny how it can take you so long to realize something that you've spoken so adamantly about yourself.


Well, now I feel like a jerk.
But it's for the best.




Our new roommate is moving in on Monday to replace Joanna. I believe it's going to be some guy named Mike. Josh picked him out. I've never met him. We'll see how that goes.


Oh, oh, oh! And my mother went on and on about how she doesn't know where she went wrong and how upset she is that I left Loyola and quit pursuing a science major. As if I don't have enough to worry about. Let's add on disappointed parents.



And Michelle is moving to the Humbolt on Sunday!!! Walking distance. I miss her.



Mmm, work all weekend. Make that money.

Woo

for new faces.
for Hot Rod.
for N.W.A.



Bowling tonight?



Mark and Jamie are coming to visit in a couple of weeks! Ahh!!! A bit of southern IL here in Chicago. I could piss my pants.

Hand Holding

Boys-








Just say no.

Wednesday

I love workkkkk.

Come watch Flight of the Conchords with me.
K?
Thanks.

Finally!

Moved into the new apartment.
Heck yes!

H&M interview went great. I should be hearing from them in about 3 days. Yessss.

Work tomorrow.
Friends from home this weekend?
I sure hope so.


I love Chicago.
I miss my family.



All for now.

Questioning Me?

When am I going to start caring about the people I hurt along the way? If you are anyone other than Lando, fuck off.

Anyone back at home that wants to pretend like they still know me or know what type of person I am can go to hell. You don't know me. You know nothing about me. I'm not the same person I was when I left seven months ago.

The only one who deserves an apology is Lando.
And not for what I did.
For how I went about it.



For those of you that I truly care about, I should be making a trip down there soon. And it's much needed. I miss and love you guys more than anything.

Happy, Happy, Happy

I was asked today why I'm always so happy.

By reading many of my posts as of late, it may be hard to be believe, but I am generally a happy person. I'm extremely optimistic and have a love for life.

Today I was described as "wide eyed and always smiling; the first to interact with anyone and everyone without thinking; appreciative of hard work; ready to lend a hand; and constantly running around with an endless supply of energy."

Not a bad description. It's always nice to hear that someone is a fan of my personality. If I can better someone else's day even the smallest amount with something as small as a smile or the willingness to lend an ear, I feel accomplished.



So generally, why am I so happy? Life is good. I may have a lot of cruddy things happen to me, but I know there is always someone out there that has it a lot worse. So, who am I to dwell on my unfortunate events and complain? Alright, alright. I do my fair share of complaining. But I try to not let these periods of depression span for very long. And when they do, I try to ensure that it's only over something really, very important to me.



Life may get me down from time to time, but Chicago really is an amazing city. I truly love it. It just gets lonely. I long for one, just one deep rooted connection with another individual here. But those require impeccable character judgment and time to build a foundation.

Sometimes you meet someone and you just know that you want them to be a huge part of your life. There's an instant connection. That just doesn't happen often enough. Maybe I'm too picky. I seem to waste my time and effort on people who don't want the same thing from me in return.

Maybe it's time to hit the Craigslist Missed Connections section. Maybe someone saw me on the train and "felt" something. ahhahaha. I love poking fun at silly people. What else am I going to do at one in the morning?

Penny For Your Thoughts

Lando sent this to me today-




He youtube's too much.
:)

Obsession

I think I'm going to be listening to this a lot.
And for good reason.
Thanks, Jared.


Meeting at Aveda was great today. Hopefully I'll be starting classes in November. That's the plan, anyway. Stoked.

Settling Down

Things are really starting to come together for me again. I'm really enjoying my new job. I'm moving into my apartment this coming week. I received another call from H&M and then want me to come in for a second interview. Woo. I'd be super stoked to get hired there as a second job.

Aveda tomorrow. I keep oversleeping and missing my appointments. Ugh.

Some of my friends from home are promising to visit soon.
I make cinnamon pancakes every single day.
Lando is speaking to me again.

Good, good, Great.



And Christopher, I owe you an apology.

Turn Around

Mmm, so I work again today at 5. It's a great feeling just to feel self sufficient again. Gahhhhh. It's about time. Tomorrow I have an appointment with Aveda. That should be fun. Then work again. Completely free Friday. Supposed to hear back from H&M. Work Saturday afternoon. Church Sunday night.

One day at a time.

I was asked to move to Portland in May. We'll see how Chicago treats me until then. But I did promise to consider it.

All the girls from Mertz Hall 6th floor will be arriving next week. Ahhh! I miss those girls like crazy. Why did I decide to transfer again? I can't believe I even made it into that school to begin with. I would have been set upon graduation with a career and plenty of financial stability. Blehhh. I think I made the right choice...as hard as it was.

And I'm still listening to a ton of Phil Spector's productions from the 60's. I'm not sure why it's putting me in a good mood. All those girls talk about are their "baby"s, getting married, and being heartbroken. But they do it in a ridiculously upbeat manner. I wish I could be that peppy when it comes to that subject matter.



Michael Phelps is a God.
The end.

Even Now

I'm here for you whenever you need to talk.


&&
You're still not giving yourself enough credit.
Cut it out.

Ooey Gooey

Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.
Monkey bread.

Four Daysss

Miko and Bob are gone for four days. Sara and I have the apartment to ourselves. It's going to be a blast! Just what I need. Lots of girl time. Plus, we're going to have a sweet soiree. If you're lucky, you'll get an invite :)

Mmm, more brownies and lots of board games. Cleaning and playing with the kittens. Speaking of which, I picked out one :)

The little gray and white one in the back, yes, all mine!!



Isn't it the cutest thing ever?? Yes, I thought so.


I'm a be alright.

Olympics

I love Jonathon Horton.



&
Michael Phelps.




&&
Justin Spring




&&&
Alexander Artemev






&&&&
Sara and I baked brownies.


That is all.

Phil Spector

I fell asleep listening to Brent's record player again. This time, an all girl groups oldies compilation. It was great. Reminded me of when I was younger. It's all my grandma used to play for me. I wish music were still like that. Everything was so happy and upbeat.

I skipped out on another party last night. I don't want my friends to think that I'm a flake or that I'd rather hang out with other people. I'm just not ready to get back into the swing of that. Alcohol isn't going to make me feel any better. In fact, it'll probably make me feel even worse. So, I'm fine with just taking it easy. Drinking green tea and making faces and noises at raccoons climbing trees next to the porch. Listening to Brent sing while playing guitar and harmonica. Hearing all the plans Kyle has for more ink. Listening to old and new records. Lying down by 8. Missing more of Derek's drunken phone calls in the middle of the night. Not waking up until 10:45. Not getting up until 1. And now some PB&J.


Things will get better because I'm making them get better.
Formal closure would still be nice.

I Was Out of Your League

You were out of my league
At a distance that I didn't wanna see
Wanted you nearer

Met a neat girl named Jenn last night. Maybe we'll become the best of pals. Joshwaaa and I walked all the way over to Logan Square to hang out with her. I had a killer headache from not having any caffeine intake. It was miserable.

The weather was super nice and still is. Enough to cheer me up a tad.

And true affection floats
True affections sinks like a stone
I never felt so close
I never felt so all alone

Go Figure

Flaked again. No wonder I asked at least a dozen times if he were being serious.

Sometimes it still amazes me how selfish people can truly be. Never will you find a girl that would still speak to you after you admitted to cheating on her twice. Never will you again find a girl that booked a flight to visit you within 4 days just because you askd her to. And you sure the hell will never find another girl who was ready to drop her entire life to move 900 miles away to be near you. You think you're depressed and miserable now? Tell me how you feel later on when you're still all alone.



Good news - Found a job. Only took a day...on the VCU campus in Richmond. Great news - Found a job here in Chicago the next day...finally. Good news - Found a one bedroom apartment without the need for a cosigner...3 blocks from the VCU campus. Great news - I can now move into Josh's apartment.

Went to Brent's and played in the fire hydrant at 2 in the morning last night. Then I lost my wallet. Does it ever end? Really? My ID was in it along with my credit card and debit card. My CTA passes and all my cash as well. I still had my boarding pass from Detroit to Norfolk in it. Not to mention, I really loved that wallet. Ughhhhh. I don't even know what I'm going to do. I can't start my new job without my ID.

I'm going to go search for it now. Then I have a decent weekend lined up. Some Pride fest off Belmont with Michelle. Chill time with Brent. Some shopping with Sara for work attire. Possibly seeing Pineapple Express again. Movies with Jeenah Jonesss. Mmmm!

Again

And just like that, I'm happy again.

It's odd to have my mood vary so greatly dependant upon one person. It's never happened quite like this in the past. Then again, no one has seemed to care as much. No one else was there to worry about me or what was going on in my life. There wasn't a single person who cared to ask where I was or who I was with. He may have stopped showing it for awhile, but to know that he has it in him makes it all seem worthwhile.

Everyone has faults. And I'm willing to forgive him for his downfalls. It's worth it to me. And that's all that matters.


Richmond as soon as humanly possible.

Never

Never, get attached.
Never say I love you.
Never let yourself become addicted.
Never let it become habit forming.
Never completely give yourself away.
And above all...

Never, ever, EVER get engaged.

I swear, no one has any respect for anyone else's feelings anymore.

At least learn to appologize.
Maybe even pretend to actually mean it.

Hip Hip Hooray

Yay for free Coldstone and Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
Woo for Clarke's coffee and cheering up Miss Jeenah Jones.

It's really nice knowing that people appreciate having me around to talk to.
It almost makes staying here seem worth it.

Upside

I realize that most of my recent posts are written out of anger or frustration. So, I figured I'd take some time out to think of what's going alright in my life at the moment.


I may not have an apartment, but I have great friends that let me crash whenever I need to.

I may not have a job, but my family is all about making sure that I'm not without what I need.

I'm terribly homesick, but I have a friend offering to drive me so that I don't have to take a 5 and a half hour train ride by myself.



Good news, I have an apartment as long as I can land a job. Brian moved out of Josh, and Joanna's. Jo is leaving as well. So Josh and I get to roommate search together. Wooo!

Ohhh, and yay for over two weeks of sobriety. Okay, okay. Totally not a big deal. But I've done it on purpose. And, it's left me completely miserable at some uptight, pretentious hipster bashes. But this blog is not one for complaining.


Yay for Plainfield and Delgado.
Yay for meeting new people like Selena.

Yay for boys stealing my phone while I'm sleeping to call their phone and get my number without my knowledge. Creepy? Nah. Most definitely cute.

And now, yay for some good ole southern sugar gritsss.
MMMM!

Yes, You are Hardheaded, Pal. But so am I.

You having a crush on me isn't going to make me stay.
Stop fucking asking me if I am every time we talk. I'm sick of hearing it. I'm sick of thinking about it. Don't you think I have enough on my mind??

I've said it numerous times that it's dependant on whether or not I get a job soon enough. So leave me the hell alone about it.

Like I'd stay for a boy anyway.
The hell with that.

You don't even know me.
Okay, you think I'm cute.
You find me funny.
But the only reason you're still trying to tag around is the fact that I'm not showing you the time of day. You always want what you can't have. And I sure the fuck don't have any interest in you...or anyone else for that matter, lest your name be Dallas Taylor.


I guess the point being, I'm sick of being objectified. Boys only care to talk to me because they think I'm attractive. And that's all it is. All they want to talk about is music, tattoos, and American Apparel.



AND JUSTIN, stop lurking my blog if you're going to get pissed off over what I have to say. Don't do shitty things to people, and they won't have shitty things to say about them.

Saturday

Not excited for the weekend.
It just means two days I can't job hunt.


I woke up in an odd mood.
I just want to talk.
Only, once again, there's no one here.




I'm sick of feeling alone.

Done with '08

Justin #1, the ex fiance who is now fucking my ex best friend, paid a visit unexpectedly to my grandma yesterday. He tried to convince her to give him my number. She refused to give it to him, thankfully, even though he continued to argue with her over it. Unfortunately, he proceeded to call my mom for it, and she gave in and let him have it. Supposedly he still "cares" about me and wants to be my "friend." I'm not looking forward to that call to say the very least.

Zak called me today to give me a heads up that Justin is moving back to Chicago. He just left maybe a month ago. But guess who he's bringing with him. I do believe he stated our downfall was due to the fact that we took things too fast by moving in together. They've been seeing eachother for no more than a month-ish. Oh please just knock her up and leave her for a fake whore you met on the internet. He's already had experience with the latter.



But what's most upsetting about my night, apparently me trying to be there for a "friend" that I do actually care about is completely worthless. Whether or not I will ever understand, I'm always going to be there for moral support. Even if I'm of no help with what's going on in your head, I can at least try to get your mind off of it for awhile. Stop being so hard headed, and learn to let people show that they care about you.



Oh,
Radiohead.
mmm.

Ouchh

I've never done so much walking in such a short amount of time in my life. Still searching for a job. Ughhh.

I'm a sneak into Lollapalooza either tonight or tomorrow afternoon. Mmmm.


Oh, and my first trip to the beach since I've been up here this weekend. I need some relaxing time.

Blehhh

I walked around filling out applications for seven hours yesterday.

Today I went to pick up my tip share. The city changed the locks on the doors. So now we have to wait for a court order to get inside. Lameee.

On a good note, I have an interview at Crossroads Trading and Clothing Company today. Wooo. Wish me luck.