Play it Safe

I have been hesitant lately to make a decision about someone due to many failed attempts at developing a relationship with most of the douchebags I've met here in Chicago.

I've held off because I felt that we lacked depth. I want to share everything with my significant other and expect to learn all there is about him in return. I think we're on the right track now.

I've wasted so much time on guys that were never worth my time. And I think that it's finally time to give a genuinely great guy a chance for a change.

I think he's wonderful.

He really is a "gentleman" which is extremely hard to find these days. He treats me amazingly well and I feel that he is a very trustworthy person.

But best of all, he isn't afraid to put me in my place when needed. I'm accustomed to dealing with extremely immature individuals and often times found myself lecturing them. Finally, someone I may be able to learn a thing or two from.

Ready

I have experienced more than my fair share of ups and downs this year. The relationship department reflects this as well. I have undergone numerous life changes and have finally found a bit of stability to try and hold onto.

Some find me to be a tad wishy-washy when it comes to boys. Especially here in Chicago. Sadly, my last REAL relationship was with Dustin Morrisson and ended shortly after I made the move up here to Chicago. I have had two boyfriends since I've been here. One with Justin number 2, which I can't help but feel that I was sort of pushed into. And then there was Christopher Glenn Phillips that you've all heard enough about. Needless to say, the absolute worst and BEST relationship I've ever been in. Scoff. Do it.

There are the boys in between there. But none that ever developed into a relationship for one reason or another. Either I wasn't good enough to date, or I didn't find them worth the time and effort. It's a little harsh, but the honest truth.

I don't know... When it comes to actually entering into a relationship, I can be extremely picky. I just feel that if you are committing into a relationship, you have to have some long term goals to fulfill with this significant other. So, I never enter into a relationship that I don't see going somewhere or lasting for some time.

I desire to be wooed. I want to be swept off my feet. If there isn't some sort of spark within the first few times of hanging out with someone, I end it. There's no point making yourself want to be with someone. Sure, I've liked many boys. But that doesn't mean I can see myself staying with them. I have to just "feel" it right away. No, not love at first sight. Just an instant connection. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

I realize now that is why I've had such a hard time getting over Christopher(not to be confused with Chris). I felt an immediate connection with him. I've never had such enormous feelings for someone just hit me in the face like that before. It's almost unbelievable that it can happen like it did. Even if it was one sided. It's taken me a lot of time to realize that I don't regret what I did. I don't regret spending the money to see him. I don't regret quitting my second job to be able to visit. I don't regret any of it. It was one of the best times I've ever had. And I think it will be for quite some time. I think I'm finally at ease about it. At least, as much as I can be.

Next time around though, I don't want it to be one sided. Someone will care about me just as much as I do about them. And I'm finally ready for that to happen again. For awhile I was pretty pessimistic about relationships and monogamy. But I've always been such a hopeless romantic. I love being in love. That's what I was created for. To love with all my heart and share every aspect of my life with someone who desires to do the same with me.

I'm incredibly indecisive about so many aspects of my life. But not about this. I never want to settle with merely being content with a person. I will love with all I have. But I only desire to share it with someone who can do the same for me.

WIsh me luck

I have an interview at a marketing firm tomorrow.
I really need this job.

It's totally legit.
I have to be all grown up and dress the part.

Wouldn't my mother be happy?
Whatevs.

I just need the money.
And I have to grow up sometime, I suppose.




Josh is moving out over the summer, I believe.
We're going to have an extra room.
I'd love to fill it with someone I know.

Soooo, if you're interested in moving to Chicago for school or whatever this coming fall, lemme know. We know how to have fun. Plus, you don't have to sign a lease. Super cheap rent, and rad roommates.







Rainforest Cafe is a thing of the past.
Fuck you, Pearl Washington.

Morals

Apparently, I don't respect people's choice to stay virgins until marriage.

Oh please.



You're right.
I'm absolutely horrid.
In fact, I feel that I have no moral obligations at all.



Come over tonight.
Let's get fucked up and have mass orgies.



Everyone's invited.

ahhhhhhhhhh

I feel like shit.
I shouldn't be up yet.




I'm getting really tired of feeling unimportant.
It's nice to finally have someone around that makes me feel special again.


It's the best feeling in the world to have someone to make you feel like your time here is worthwhile.

zzzzzzzz

I'm missing out on Adam and Raven's sleep mix tonight.


Bummer.




I'm putting in my two weeks.
My job makes me hate life.

Happy

happy!happy!happy!

20!

Apparently, I throw kick ass parties.

I finally had a night of the weekend off to have my birthday bash a month late. It was one of the greatest nights I've had in an incredibly long time.


I promise to do it again soon. Just please don't invite slutty German girls or get the police called on us. Whiskey will forever be banned except for Justin. Apparently none of the other guys know when to stop. Also, the Mario Kart tournament will actually go down next time around.


Last night was the best. It's a nice change to meet legit people. It's tiresome meeting heaps of pretentious trust fund kids all the time.

Speaking of legit, adrock is at the top of that list. Fa sho.




Oh, so some people care.
But there are still very few that matter.


And yes, Raab, you're not a pisces :)
Gramma would approve.

lolzzz

Why am I ever surprised by people anymore?
You'd think I'd eventually learn a lesson.





Not so.






My grandma told me last night to stay away from Pisces.
Haha. Best advice yet.










No one cares.
And very few matter to me anymore.

A Day Late

9:58 last night.


I find myself thinking a lot lately.
Thinking about life.
Thinking about love.
Thinking about nothing at all.

Everyone has their place of solitude.
At home, mine was the reservoir. Preferably at night. I could spend endless hours out there. I was completely at ease.
It’s harder to find that here. The city is huge. It’s loud. It’s bright. And it’s packed. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode. I have so much held inside and no place to clear my head.

The shower.
I have learned to multitask. Kind of neat. Get physically clean while clearing out all the junk going on inside of my head.

Sometimes I know what I’m thinking about. Something that’s been causing me grief or getting to me. I often times start off by trying to find a solution to a problem. Often times though, I find myself completely lost in thought. I don’t even realize it until the water is frigid. I don’t even notice the gradual change in temperature. And then, I can’t remember for the life of me what I was even thinking about in the first place. All I know is that I’m standing stark naked, chilled to the bone, and blasted an hour and a half into the future.

I used to tell claim to be a generally happy person unless something bad happened that caused me a brief moment of unhappiness. It finally hit me a few weeks ago that this no longer holds true. I find that now days I’m generally unhappy unless something good happens that grants me a slight taste of happiness.

For awhile I had a lot to be unhappy about. Horrid things had happened. Many events and circumstances I swore I’d never whisper to anyone. But I did. I told all to one person. The person who made me feel things I’d never felt so strongly before…not to mention as quickly as I did. And of all the people that could, that one person let me down. He didn’t just let me down. He tore me apart. Time and time again. I’m not stupid. I knew better. But I let him do it anyway. Funny things love will do to a person. Scoff if you’d like. But love it was. At least on one side. We haven’t spoken in a couple of weeks. I promised everyone I’d stop talking to him. It was only making it worse for me, right? Only the longer I go without speaking to him, the more I miss him. The more I think about him. The more miserable it makes me. And that only further convinces me that what I felt, what I feel, is real.

I will leave all I have here behind to be with him in a heartbeat.
It’s the honest truth.
But only if he feels the same way.
Which he doesn’t.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever truly did. I will more than likely never know. I’m not even sure that he knows, honestly. That’s a sad thought. He had me. Someone that was always going to be there. Someone that wanted to know everything about him. Someone who didn’t just listen but also genuinely cared.

How pathetic am I? Here it is three months since I was there and I’m babbling on about him again. I stopped to make people think I was over it. More so to convince myself I was over it. But I’m done with all of that. This is how I feel. This is where I write about my thoughts and feelings. And this is what consumes most of my thoughts daily. So there you go. Another dose of my feelings for the one person I want the most. The one person that’s probably the worst for me.

Even beyond that whole mess, I’m not a particularly happy person these days. Why, you ask? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I could go back to a therapist. But I already know what he/she would have to say. They’d blame it on my previously coke and meth addicted parents. My shattered and unstable home life as a kid. Moving in with my fiancé at seventeen years of age. Rape. My run with being homeless in the city.

They’d tell me it runs in my family.
Depression.
Bi polar disorder.
Schizophrenia.
Eating disorders.
They’d tell me I’m lucky I don’t suffer from all of it with all the shit in my life. Then they’d put me on a script like they did before. I was in the eighth grade. What did I have to be unhappy about?? Nothing. So why was I so unhappy? I haven’t thought about in quite some time. My hectic home life? No. I wasn’t particular stoked about it, but it wasn’t something I ever let get to me. I was always such an optimist. But one day I just wasn’t happy anymore. It lasted for quite some time, I suppose. But I don’t recall when it ended. I just one day decided I didn’t want to take the meds. And I was fine again. And here I am again. Completely unhappy. But why? It’s easy to blame it on shitty things that have happened. But they aren’t the cause. I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore.


Justin called me tonight. Justin number one. Justin the ex fiancé that started dating my ex best friend. Justin that I haven’t verbally spoken to in at least six months. I didn’t yell at him. I didn’t tell him he was worthless. I didn’t try to hurt his feelings. We just talked. We even laughed. Jackie did him in. I’d like to say, “Go figure. What’d you expect?” But truth be told, I was almost convinced it was going to work out for them. They both seemed extremely happy from what I could tell. Then again, I wasn’t speaking to either of them, so I don’t really know what all went on down there. But I was almost happy for them. They were two people that I had cared a lot about. Of course I wanted them to be happy deep down no matter what that meant. He said he’d been reading my blog for quite some time and I hadn’t written in awhile. He wanted to know how I’d been.

How am I doing? I suppose I have a lot to be thankful for. I finally have stability in my life again. I have a steady job. I have an apartment with two great roommates. I have loads of friends. I have money to live on. I have money to blow. I have a family that is always here when I need them. I have people that genuinely care about me and how I’m doing.

It’s odd. You spent all that time telling me how horrid my friends are and how they treat me like shit. Take me for granted. Use me. You told me I didn’t deserve that. Think about that, will you? What did YOU do to me? The one person I let my guard down for.

Josh, Matt, and I, the three roomies, went out for a bit today together. Pizza and Reckless Records. It was great. I bought a Pat Benatar record and Pit Er Pat album on vinyl. Ohhhhhhhh, and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure on DVD. So there are little things that perk me up at times  It’s getting better slowly. I’m working on trying to be more optimistic.

Oh, a plus +
Josh and I went grocery shopping today. We now have eight boxes of cereal.
A minus -
We didn’t get any milk.

PANCAKES.
I’m super stoked about that.

But now Joshua is bored and forcing me out of the room to have me watch them play Star Wars. I’m not half complaining.