Sucky Friend

Yes, that's right. I suck at being a friend. I feel like I'm constantly letting people down. I don't do it on purpose. I just don't know how to tell people things that they don't want to hear. I try my best. I honestly do. I just feel like I'm living this one big balancing act. What makes one happy will result in hurting another. I've been trying to find a fair medium. But life isn't fair. I cannot give everyone what they want. It's just not possible.

As selfish as it sounds, I think that I need to be focusing on what will make me happy first. I mean, if I'm not happy, how can I expect to make any one else? The problem is, lots of things make me happy. MANY people make me happy. It's time to think realistically though. If I don't see something working out, there's no point in pursuing it. And as hard as it was, I finally decided to stop pushing what would never materialize.

Now, I'm happy.
But I still feel horrid.
How is that even possible???


Well, there's one thing that always makes me feel better. The thought of raping Dallas Taylor. Mmmmmmm!

Nostalgic

Meeting up late just to pick a friend up and go to an all night diner.
Reminds me of home. Not much else to do in Salem, IL.
It's nights like this that make me miss being back there.

Lately, I feel as though I'm forgetting what it's like to have real friends around. Yes, I've made lots of friends here in the city and suburbs. But it's just not the same. I'd do almost anything to have just one person nearby that I can talk to about anything and everything. Someone that actually knows me. One person that knows what I've been through and where I've come from.

Always

I absolutely love Rolando Michael Winborn with all my heart.
That's not changing...




Not ever.
<333

Who am I?

It's pretty pathetic that it takes a silly, pointless survey in a myspace bulletin to make you realize that you're completely off track. Seriously, when you're ashamed to be answering truthfully to some of the questions, you may need to reevaluate some aspects of your life.

WARNING: THIS SURVEY EXPOSES MANY SECRETS
Are you in love?
-- I'm in love with being in love.

What was your most recent mistake?
-- Moving in with a douchebag.

How many hands does it take to count the number of people you’ve had sex with?
-- Three.

Have you ever been arrested?
-- Yes.

How many drugs have you consumed in your lifetime?
-- One if you count maryj.

Does your best friend know everything about you?
-- Yessum.

What are you currently looking forward to?
-- Moving into another apartment.
:D
What are you afraid of?
-- Letting people down.

Have you ever been beaten up?
-- By Dustin Endicott, ha.

When was the last time you went to church?
-- Sometime before I moved up here in January.

What is your current favorite song?-- "To Run" by Josiah Leming

Do you think the people who write these surveys are squares?
-- Nah..

When was the last time and place you went swimming?
-- Back in September/October?? Carlyle Lake.

What do you hate about humanity in general?
-- Selfishness.

Who was the last person you had sex with?
-- JUSTIN effin' TYSON

What is your favorite food?
-- Falafel

Where is the farthest place from your current home that you have traveled?
-- Florida?

What is the meanest thing anyone has ever said about you?
-- I don't know.

What is the least true thing someone has ever said about you?
-- Haha, that Justin Cole beat me, got me pregnant, and I moved out of state to get away from him back during the summer I was gone at basic.

Do you judge and stereotype people?
-- Everyone does. But I try not to. And I'm always open to getting to know the real person.

How many people have you kissed in the last year?
-- 12?

When was the last time you lied about your age?
-- I don't lie.

Do you prefer turkey or chicken?
-- I don't eat either...but I'm a go with chicken.

How many piercings do you have?
-- Four. 3 in ears and septum.

What is the most daring thing you have ever done?
-- Sexing it in public places.

What you do think of Leona Lewis?
-- Who?

What type of cigarettes do you smoke?
-- I don't smoke, but if I did, they'd be Blacks. Mmm...cloves. And I'll have some hookah any day!

What are you addicted to?
-- Spiced black tea.

How many people do you consider to be your “best friends”?
-- BEST- 4 or 5 ish. But only one that I tell EVERYTHING to.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
-- Nope. Not how I roll.

Do you live with both of your parents?
-- Not since I was 17.

Do you blog uncontrollably?
-- Sometimes.

Are you a generally honest person?
-- Yessum.

Do you hate people that post pointless bulletins?
-- I don't care. Don't click them if they bother you.

Do you know anyone that cuts themself?
-- Yeah. LAME.

What is your favorite drink?
-- White Chocolate Mocha
Cranberry apple raspberry juice
spiced black tea
:]

Oopsies

When returning from my absence, I forgot to mention that I now live in Chicago. I moved here for school in January, and then decided to stay once school let out.

Silly me.

Come visit.
K, thanks.

What happened to spring?

It's finally feeling like summer.
It's hot.
Sticky.
Humid.

I woke up at 2:44 today.
There is nothing to do.

I need to:
Get into a good sleep cycle.
Start my new job.
Move into a different appartment.
Put a hit out on my current roommate.

But most of all,
VISIT SOUTHERN IL.

Insomnia

I no longer sleep. It is such a waste. The semester is wrapping up and everyone is leaving. Staying in the city seemed like such a great idea in the beginning. But now I'm starting to realize that I'm going to be here alone. Those friends that are from the city live in the suburbs. They aren't incredibly far away, but it's going to be nothing like it was before. After tomorrow, I will no longer be able to take two steps outside my door to see some of the best friends I've ever made.

I'm not used to finding genuine people. And I never expected it would be easier in the city. I had the notion that city kids were all pretentious and fad followers. Sure, those people are definitely present, but there are many that are far from this. I'm going to miss them all. That's a new concept for me. Missing friends?

There are very few people that I truly miss from home. But those that I do think of on a daily basis tear me up. I just wish they could be around always. I need more positive people in my life; people that I know care about me. Here in a new city, I have to start all over. I have to build up friendships and trust. It would just be nice to have a few people here with me that I already know; a few that already know me.

No matter what though, I'm not moving back. Not ever. That chapter in my life is over. I love my family and friends, but southern IL is just not for me. And I don't believe it ever was. I'm not the type of person that could ever be happy living a rural environment. I crave bigger and better things. I don't want to belittle anyone. I just don't feel that the small hometown environment, the white picket fence, and family oriented community is for me. Hell, I don't even plan to have kids. Sure, it'll eventually happen. But never by choice. Maybe that makes me a little selfish. But that's me. There's no point lying about it.

Marriage? Ha. Good luck. I have a lot of love to give. But I have a lot of people to give it to. I'm in love with being in love. And I don't feel that is meant to be shared with just one person. One day I'm sure I will grow the hell up and focus all my love and support on one person, but there's no telling when that will be. I don't see it happening anytime soon. But how much time do we really have?

I feel that after 25, your life is pretty much over. Seriously. After that, you're stuck with a career to consume the rest of your life. Then comes the settling down, children, and grandchildren. Great. 5 and half years left to focus on myself. 5 years used to seem like such a long time. Funny how things change.