Post Script

Kevin and Nathan with be here next Thursday through Monday. A little bit of southern IL here in Chicago.

Hopefully it'll be enough to keep me sane.
I need some genuine, good hearted people in my life.


Ohhhhhhhhhhh, and I'm almost over being sick. I've been eating solid foods again :)



I'm always a work in progress.

2009

We're off to a wonderful start.

I shouldn't have assumed that the weather would be the worst of it. This isn't about boys. For once, this isn't even about me. I received a call this week from my mother to inform me that my grandma has cancer. How does someone deal with that? I've never had anyone close to me diagnosed with cancer. I can't even say it out loud. It sounds so foreign. It sounds so definite.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'm five hours away. I don't have any family here to talk to. My friends are busy with their own issues. And now I have this major issue thrown at me and I'm all alone. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to talk about it.

The person I wanted to be able to talk to about things now has a new girlfriend. Which he never told me about of course. Ohhhhh, he's cut all communication off with me period. So I'm not even worth being friends with, apparently.

It's funny how people can do that. Just all the sudden toss you to the side and forget about you. Not even the common decency to tell you before hand. OR apologize.

I can move it. Hasn't been the first time. Definitely won't be the last. But I can't without closure. I have to have goodbyes. That's how I've always been. And for the most part, I've been able to stay friends.

This is a whole new situation for me. I've never been this disrespected in my life. No, not even by Christopher. Never did I think I'd say that. But I moved to Chicago and am surrounded by people only looking out for themselves. Maybe I really am too nice to be here. I just expect too many great things out of people. And I'm constantly let down.

Oh, and I accidently had an after-after hours party last tuesday. Only to find people doing lines of coke in my bathroom and in the living room. It doesn't matter how great people seem when I meet them. They're all fucking screwed up. And I can't keep doing this.

I Think You Got Ahead of Me

Wants

I still find myself suffering at the hand of unrelenting inner turmoil.

How am I to distinguish my wants from my needs? At one time, this was as simple as choosing what to wear. Okay, bad example.

I just don't understand people.
Half the time, I'm not even sure that I understand myself.

I've been working on some improvements toward bettering myself. But who's to say that all of it is for the better?

I'm so tired of feeling alone.
I greatly desire to be wanted and appreciated.


I suppose that doesn't set me aside from anyone else.


I just want to be able to get all of my thoughts out in the open. But I feel that it would be pointless. Someone has to care in response to make it worthwhile.

So, I'm stuck once again. Writhing at the hand of another. At the hand of someone who has not a word to say to me.

Raven

just is.

Deep

I'm already there.

New Year

How could a night that started so horribly wrong end up so perfectly right?


Resolutions:

1. Save money.
2. Start back to school in the fall.
3. Get a puppy.
4. Pierce cheeks and nostril.
5. Settle into apartment and make it finally feel like home.
6. Find a good accountability partner.
7. Improve on not letting myself be walked all over.
8. Find another positive stress reliever.
9. Get a gym membership.
10. Take a homeless person out to eat with Jeenah Jones.
11. Color my hair for the first time in 3 years.
12. Start re-stretching my ears.
13. Start wearing contacts again.
14. Get another tattoo.
15. Take some sort of dance class.



Maybe more to be added on later.