Blehhh

I walked around filling out applications for seven hours yesterday.

Today I went to pick up my tip share. The city changed the locks on the doors. So now we have to wait for a court order to get inside. Lameee.

On a good note, I have an interview at Crossroads Trading and Clothing Company today. Wooo. Wish me luck.

Pairs of Three

The apartment.
The boy.
The job.

My grandma has always been a bit on the superstitious side.
But when she's right, she's right.

Then again, she also turned around and said it was bad karma for getting tattooed. "Now, try to get a job."

Haha, but I have to love her.


I'm not really sure what I'm planning to do at the moment. I'm going to take a week to try and find another job. If it doesn't happen, I suppose I'm heading back home. But not for long. I refuse to live there again. I guess I'll find some other place to take off to. There's no point in living in the same place twice, right? I've always been a fan of the east coast.

I've received so many phone calls and texts today. It's nice to know that there are some people that really do care to see how I'm doing.

I'm not really sure what I did to get myself into this rut. But I'm ready to get out of it.

Bring the Blows

Things start to look up again, and then Bennigan's goes bankrupt.

Yes, so that's no job, no apartment, and no roommate until September first.

Low on money. Time to sell those Lollapalooza tickets.
Way to quit my second job for a vaca.


Words of encouragement?
I could really use some friends to talk to.
thanks.

Wicker Park Fest

I'm so sleep deprived. I'm seriously dying.

I'm chilling on Sara's porch because she won't wake up and let me in. I'm pissed. But it happens, I suppose.

This morning started off with a surprise. But it was a good surprise. I don't know. It's just comforting to not have to feel like I've been forgotten about.

Kyle says the tattoo is healing up nicely. It's driving me crazy. I hate scabs. Absolutely hate them. Not to mention, it still hurts like hell. But what else can be expected? People won't keep their hands off of it. I swear, people are such dumbasses. "Oh wow, you just got it yesterday?!" *proceeds to rub it* I'm just ready for it to heal up. Then I can get it touched up and start on the fill.
I really like detached tattoos, but I'm going to need some kind of fill to tie it in with whatever I decide to get on the underneath. I wanted a Rock'em Sock'em Robot. But crazy enough, Kyle's already done one for another girl. Go figure.

Wicker Park Fest is actually going a lot better than I expected. Bishop Allen was nothing short of amazing. And Joan of Arc surprised me. Tonightttt, Maps and Atlases. Woo!!!! Lemme be excited. I can handle it if I'm not comparing it to say, some show in Maryland going on today.

Sultan's soon. Hells yes.

Mediocre

Life isn't horrible at the moment. That doesn't mean it's pleasant. But I'm dealing.

I've hung out with a couple of new neat people lately. It's been a lot of fun. English blokes, Joanna the pastry chef, and another suburban kid. It's a lot of fun hanging out with such diverse people. They all have something different to bring to the table.

Making new friends is great. But it's still nothing compared to the history I share with my friends back home. And in this time of ample discouragement, it'd be nice to have them around. But that won't be happening anytime soon.


Awkwardness is no longer a good thing.



Wicker Park Fest this weekend.
Not as excited as I thought I'd be.

Workkk

Pray I get off around six. I might shoot myself if I'm stuck there all night. I wasn't able to see Caitlin and Christina last night, so I'd really like to tonight before Caitlin leaves again. Plusss, Kyle is going to start my tattoo today if I'm off in time.

I've noticed that I keep myself up way too late thinking about things alone. I can be perfectly fine at night. But by the next morning, it kills to have to wake up. Everything seems pointless.

It'd just be nice to have something go right today. I need it.

Good/Bad

Was somewhat flaked on today. But the night made up for it. And no, I didn't spend it at an all night, raging party. Met some neat English people at work and checked out a hostel they're staying at. It was really neat. Plus, they explained to me how to get around the world on $600 max. It will happen. Even if I have to do it on my own now.

I miss home.


Kyle was most definitely wearing a Ceremony shirt today.
Go figure.



My sweater still smells of VA.
I should suck it up and wash it stat.

Cheaters

Why comment on my blog if you're going to turn around and delete it?
I didn't get to read it.
Lame.


I've been inside all day trying to figure out how I wanted to spend my day off. Obviously, I didn't come up with anything. So I'm going to just take off. See where I end up tonight.

Christina and Caitlin are in the city :) I haven't seen them since school let out. I'm a hit them up like promised. It's nice to actually have some girls around lately.

Maybe it'll improve my mood.
At least for a little while.
A phone call wouldn't hurt either.

Little Miss Pessimism

A couple of days ago, I hit a pivotal point in time where I realised everything was going to be alright. It was such a great feeling. I'd been extremely stressed out over the roommate, friends, relationships, and my family. But everything seemed to be coming together. I was ready to tackle anything that came along. Being happy just to be happy is one of the greatest feelings imaginable.

It's funny how in just a few days, life can completely 180. I'm referring to every aspect. Not just one little squirmish. The new roommate flaked on me...but I don't blame her. She couldn't afford to pay for her rent anyway. But now I'm stuck with my stuff just sitting in her boyfriend's apartment. Once again, I'm sick of shitty friends. And for once, I'm not going to give in and act like it's alright now. I'm tired of being walked all over.

I almost quit my job yesterday. I was done. Done with merely "dealing." I was ready to give up and go home. I eventually went in an hour and a half late without calling in. For some crazy reason, they didn't fire me. That's my only solid reason for still being here. That's the only stable aspect of my life. So that's what I have...work. That's what I have going for me.

Maybe going back home would be best for me. I left because the area was stagnant. Never growing, never changing. But here, thing are only changing for the worse. So maybe being stuck at a manageable level there would be better for me.

I held such a vast amount of goals and ambitions when I moved here. I still remember having them recently. Now I feel as though they've all been sucked out of me. Every last one.

I have no idea what I'm doing...Where I'm going.
I fucking hate everything.
And everyone.


"And you can try to fight this all you want,
but I won't be there, I won't be there when you're all alone.
This new season, it brings with it signs of hope, hope.
Now you can't leave me, you can't leave me waiting all alone, all alone.

And I know, there is
Some place I can go
Where no one knows my name.

And I can still remember, you know I can still hear your voice, your voice.
Although your silence, your silence still rings so clear.
And do you think, and do you think I would call
just to hear you breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe?
You always knew, you always knew that just one word would dry up all my tears."

Free

Finally out of that apartment for good.
I've never hated anyone until...until I moved into that place.
I pray to God that I will never have such horrid feelings toward another person.
Sadly, I can't help but hope that he gets what is coming to him.
And that is to rot in hell.

Moving Day

Half way done packing.
Work soon.
Then time to get my stuff out of here.
It's about time.



VA again soon.
Not soon enough.

Summer Nights

One thing doesn't change no matter where you are. Summer nights are amazing. Even better, walks on summer nights.

Ironically, the first song to come up on my shuffle:

Again, God seems to have a questionable sense of humor when it comes to me. But, I probably deserve it.

Thanks for friends. Even if I end up buying them Flash Taco. He says it's probably for the best. Maybe he's right. I don't seem to know how to make myself believe it yet.

Yay for Chicago.

Yay for the heat.
Yay for another pass by the roommate.
Yay for feeling objectified and utterly disgusted with myself.

Yay for opening up to someone about things I never have.
Yay for them running in the other direction.

Sorry I was trying to look out for myself before taking care of you.
Weren't you the one that said only I could get myself out of the situation?

See what I get for trying?



Out for a walk.
Back for work in the morning.
Not that it matters.

Day Off

I find myself questioning more and more often why I'm still here. Why am I in Chicago? Sometimes it would just be nice to have one person...ONE person here that I already know..that already knows me. I miss having people around that I grew up with. People I'd do anything for. People who would do anything for me.

My friends here are far from superficial. They are great. It's just not the same though. We don't have the history to back up our friendships.

I hate this apartment. I'm tired of being screwed out of opportunities to leave it. I'm far too nice to call people out on their shortcomings, but it's getting ridiculous. I cannot keep waiting around. I have to look out for myself first and foremost.

I miss my family. The family I haven't seen in almost four months. My mom is my new best friend. I talk to her daily for hours on the phone. I even talk to my sister on a regular basis. Yes, the middle wild child that hated me the last two year I lived with them. I just wish I could be there for her. She's been through a lot and is going through a lot now. Then there's the youngest...little Amber. Only now she's twelve years old. By the beginning of next year, she'll be a teenager. My mom tells me she's hitting "that" stage now. She's entirely too boy crazy and is starting with the rebellion my mom has already dealt with twice around. I want to be there to warn her about boys. To be there when she feels used and let down.

I need to get out of this depression. This standstill.

Hitchhiker's Guide to Living

Originally, I thought this post was going to be a recap of my day with a kid who hitchhiked up here from Texas. I planned to write about all the neat things I tried to show him in the city. I bought him lunch. Gave him my extra septum retainer so that he could find a job and start anew in the city. He confided in me and I touched the edge of my tale.

This is no longer my story. My story is of a naive girl. This boy isn't interested in being helped out. In fact, he believed I was the one in need of assistance. By the end of the night, all he wanted to discuss is how I could go back to a place filled with unspeakable secrets. I never went into detail about my situation. But he knew. How, I'm not sure I'll ever know. But this stranger was ready to jump into action to help me out when all my closest friends could do is leave a place for me on their couch every now and then.

I'm not sure what he thought could possibly be done right now with the situation. My light of hope in the situation seems to have dissipated abruptly. What am I doing? On the walk back home in the middle of the night, I finally broke out into tears. What is happening to me? I try to come off as this independant person starting out on her own with everything under control. But what stability do I really have? I work. That's about it. I have friends that continue to come and go. People flake out. I'm so opposed to getting attached to anyone these days. People only let you down. But I'm realizing now that no one should have to battle things out on their own. I've become attached to three great girls. Yes, girls. I can't even describe what it feels like to be able to trust girls again. After Jackie, I didn't think it'd happen again...at least not any time soon. But I was proved wrong, and I'm truly thankful for that.

I'm so confused right now. I'm not really sure what I'm doing or what I plan to do. But I'm beginning to realize that this pretending to be alright is pointless. It's not helping me out in any way. Some issues shouldn't be faced alone. I just have to push myself to make the next move. I just wish I knew what the right move was.

But even more importantly, I wish I knew how to be there for someone whom I cherish more than almost anything that I have going on. I don't want to screw things up. I just don't know what to do. Hopefully, something will come to me by morning.

Daylight

and I'm awake.
Phone call from the boy in less than two hours.
Mmmmm.



Sleep.

Vaca

My trip to Virginia has gone and passed.
I've taken this away from it:

Wawa is the greatest place ever...period.
Burritos will forever be a daily meal.
Qdoba is a gazillion times better than Chipotle.
Up Against the Wall and Commonwealth.
Belle Isle.
A new appreciation for graffiti art.


But above all...THE boy.
Christopher Glenn Phillips<333
Get your butt to Chicago.

What's Really Unsettling...

A blog I recently posted on Myspace:

In an ever growing-ever evolving cult of Christians, I find I'm only being shoved further and further away from God.

I came across another blog today that reads much the same way as every other blog professing about God, "I'm waiting for God to show me the way," "God will answer my prayers as long as they come from the heart," "God has one person set apart for me." Blah blah blah. You get the idea, I'm sure.

First and foremost, I love God with all my heart. I see myself as being a very strong Christian. Sure, I make mistakes, but I'm only human. But I can admit to my faults. I know right from wrong. And I have a lot of love to give.

But come on people, OPEN YOUR EYES. Didn't God give us free will? We have the ability to choose. So get off your behinds and make things happen for yourself. Why are you so dependant on God for everything? Yes, I believe God answers prayers. But I'm not going to sit around and wait for Him to make things happen for me. God knows what I need. And I fully trust that He will help me out along the way. But I'm going to use my free will and ability to choose that He granted me and set forth actions that will better myself and others.

If He granted you the ability to choose, why are you waiting around for the "one"? Wake up. There is no "one." There are many people that you can be happy with. How do you think widows remarry? Are you telling me that their second spouse is less important than the first? Or are they expected to live alone because their "one" has passed on?

Now, I'm not saying you have to run around and date as many people as possible. But, you could possibly be missing out on someone great if you're completely opposed to the idea. Never settle. That I can agree with. But you have to give people the chance to show you how wonderful they can be.

I remember a skit from Bible school as a kid. God spoke to a girl on the phone and told her that He was going to come over for dinner and pay her a visit. She was so excited once she got off of the phone. She immediately started preparing a feast and getting ready. Then, she heard a knock on the door. It was a poor old beggar. He kindly asked her if she could spare a bit of bread. She hastily shooed him away stating that she was waiting on an important guest. A little while later, she recieved another phone call. It was God. She asked when she should be expecting him. He replied, "But I already paid you a visit, and you sent me away saying you were expecting someone more important." It's crazy to me that I even remember this skit. I was nothing more than 6 or 7 years old. But think on it. Maybe God has already sent someone your way. You were just too blind to see that they were a blessing from God. This goes for more than just romantic relationships. It could be friends, coworkers... people you didn't give the time of day because they appeared to be beneath you. Whether they didn't dress the same, didn't listen to the same music, or had made bad decisions in the past that you chose to judge them based off of.

I get so sick of ranting. But open your eyes people. Why do you think there is such a wall between believers and non believers today? I can't believe you have the audacity to say some of the things you do. Half the times, your thoughts don't even make sense.



But that's enough for now. I'm off to Pride Fest. Feel free to tell me how homosexuals don't have feelings and are damned to hell if you get the chance.

P.S.

but I love Christopher Glenn Phillips the MOSTest.


<333


VA tomorrow :)