Resolutions

One of my friends posted her resolutions for New Years today. This one particularly caught my eye:

"5. Be more independent. I rely too much on my friends and parents.. I want to be the girl who doesn't need anyone to make it in life."

I used to feel this way. And I suppose I still do in some aspects. I'd like to be able to take care of myself financially. I want to be capable of finding stability on my own.

But I've come to realize that life is meant to be spent with others. We aren't meant to wrestle with it alone. I may be able to take it on by myself but it's much easier with help and support from others. And I'm here to offer that to my friends and family as well. Independence is great at times. But when it comes to coping with harsh realities of life, I want to have others around to support me.

What Christian is completely independent? If you are a follower of Christ, He is your crutch. You are not meant to face the world alone. He is there for guidance and support.

Toss Up

I feel feel feel fell fell fell.


I'm incredibly stupid at times. But I can't change who I am. This is how I operate. I don't backtrack. I'm not capable of putting my feelings on hold. So here they are. And they aren't ready to go away and won't be put on pause.

Please don't make me regret it.



And despite popular belief, I don't just go off and whore myself around on my own time. All jokes aside, this isn't me. And my feelings are hurt when this is questioned even jokingly.

Dedication.
Something I have.
Something I'm okay with letting others know about.

So please don't question me. Me, the one who wants people to know that I care for someone and who that someone is.



Being as it's almost that time again, I'm in a mess of a hormonal state. But that doesn't make me think differently. I just feel more strongly about things that have already been running through my head.

Getting There

It's cold again. Chicago's weather enjoys nothing more than to tease its residents and then break them back down.

Lately, I've talked of being indifferent toward life. Nothing's unbearable horrid. Nothing's overly great.
Recently though, I've found that I am truly happy again at times. These times go as followed:

Work.
I love my coworkers. We have fun. We dance. We sing. We make fun of each other. And real life drama is never a factor.

Family.
I've grown a lot closer to every one in my family. And for that I am truly thankful. There is still a lot of progress to be made, but it's a good start.

Adam.
All labels aside, he's who I care for. We may not be at the place I'd like to be, but I've noticed a change for the better. And I can only hope it continues to build up to something great.

Friends.
Sara's back in the picture. Michelle will be back soon. And I can expect to see a lot of Jeenah in the very near future.

Roommate.
Lesa has a lot of mature advice to give and she's not afraid to hurt my feelings when it comes to the honest truth. I can only hope she continues to keep me in my place.



I would love to have more to add to this list in the near future.

Let the Record Show

Adam Patrick Reiman is wonderful.

Get Me Out of Here

I'm a hot mess.

I was happy to be around family again...but it's just not like it has been the past couple of visits. Before, I found myself not wanting to go back to Chicago. I liked being around familiar faces.

But at this moment, I have some of the worst anxiety I've had in quite some time. I'm antsy and can think of nothing other than getting out of here. I can't take it.

Nothing is wrong. No one is bothering me. I'm not overly bored. I'm not angry with anyone. I just want out. I can't take it.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. And why? I can't explain it which makes it all the more frustrating and scary. Yes, scary. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I have to get through another entire day after tonight, and then I'll be out.

All Shook Up

I'm still fighting off feelings of uneasiness from early this afternoon. I was caught completely off guard. My whole being was jarred and I was on the verge of tears.

It was such an unlikely occurrence. I want to place blame, but it's not as though someone actually did something wrong. Or well, nothing seriously wrong. Questionable, maybe. But not something I could say I haven't done in the past. And it just happened to be that one person. THE ONE person that could completely shake me up.

Sometimes I find myself reading too far into things. I think that there are signs in every day life to guide us. And if ever this were a sign, I should be running in the opposite direction, right?

When I feel that someone likes me more than I like them, I end up running the other way. This is in their best interest. I'd only make it worse for them by playing along when I know that nothing is going to develop on my end. However, when I feel that I have stronger feelings for someone than they do for me, it consumes my every thought. I don't get obsessive, but it seriously affects my moods. I need that happy medium. I need to know that the person I'm focusing so much time and effort on is in it with me 100%.

Clearly, this isn't possible for the time being. But it's something to work for? Or so I've gathered. I think that's what I'm being led to believe. We're trying to develop a real relationship, right?

That's all new for me. I don't devote time to someone to make myself develop feelings. Either they're there immediately, or they aren't worth waiting for. I mean, if it is possible to click with someone from the get go, why spend so much time and effort to make yourself feel the same way about someone else? Think of how much time you could be missing out on with someone that already cares for you.

Or maybe the feelings are there, but they need to be strengthened? Lordy, I don't know. I know how I feel, but that's about the extent of it.

And now I find myself almost afraid to speak of such feelings. I'm a firm believer in being open about how you feel about others. You can never show it enough. And it should never be something to be ashamed of. And I'm not. I just hate the thought of it being different on the other end.

I just so desperately long for depth. I desire romance. I need to know I'm cared for. I'm just used to being in relationships where those are the key elements from the get go. I'm not used to casual relationships and flings. I've had my fair share of those in Chicago already, and I'm not a fan. It's not what I want. I function best with another. That's the bottom line.

I keep seeing these glimmers of hope. I just wish it would all come together already.

Take it Off

Apparently I'm only good enough to physically satisfy guys. They don't even attempt to hide their intentions anymore. How can people have the nerve to pop off such obscenities without even thinking twice?

My self worth is dwindling.
And all I want is to know is that I'm cared for by someone.

The Little Things

I'm going to be alright in Chicago. I could leave, but I'd feel as though I was giving up on my mission to break away from my family and friends of the past. I don't want to rid myself of them completely, but I feel that I need to take care of myself. I've been doing it mentally and emotionally since I was still in middle school. So now that I am capable of supporting myself financially, I don't want to take any steps backward.

We all need support from family and friends. But I have a lot of pent up bitterness that I haven't found a release for quite yet. And it makes it easier to deal with people of the past in small doses. While I spend a lot less time around my family, I really feel that I've grown a lot closer. I talk to my mother nearly every day. However, I've never once tried to discuss issues from the past. It's just not something I am capable of attempting at the moment. I have a hard enough time trying to talk about current issues let alone dig up a history full of angst and bitterness.

I want to stay in Chicago because people here care about me and want me to stay. Again, maybe I'm needy. But I need to know that people truly want me around. Sure, people can visit me no matter where I take off to. But it's just not the same. I've been here for almost a year now, and I long to develop deep relationships with people that are longstanding. I feel that I've been let down by many that I held close. But it's a two way street. I have to continue to make an effort to ensure that these friendships and relationships are given the time and work that they need and deserve.

It's the little things in life that make it wonderful and worthwhile. In retrospect, it's the little things that can break one's spirit. Even the smallest of gestures can ruin my entire day. People need to be aware of others' feelings. I'm guilty of slacking in this department as well. But every friendship and relationship is a learning process. As time passes, I learn more and more about the people that I surround myself with. I'm becoming aware of their likes and their dislikes. What makes them smile and what genuinely hurts their feelings. What double standards are in place for me to work on breaking. And eventually as more time passes, I will have each of these people figured out. At least, that is my goal.

I want to know the people I surround myself with inside out. I desire depth. I need to feel comfortable being completely open with those I care about and I expect the same in return.

Sometimes I take things to heart that I shouldn't, but that's me. As I'm trying to learn about you all, I expect that you are working to know me as well. And as you learn these things about me, be conscious of them and alter the way you approach me. It shows respect and concern for my feelings and well being.

I'm not perfect. I make as many mistakes as anyone else. But when I do something that hurts you or bothers you, I want you to come to me about it without the anger and frustration initially. We can talk through it and if I am in fact at fault, I will apologize. And even if I don't feel I've done anything wrong, I will at least be sure to apologize for the way it affected you and made you feel. That's what people do when they truly care about others.

As Good as it Gets?

Anyone who truly knows me is aware of how tumultuous my life can be at times. Sometimes I think it's my own fault. I let myself get bogged down with day to day life and let others' moods have too great of an effect on my own. While this can be great at times, it appears that more often than not there is a far greater amount of negativity to be found in the world. Or maybe that's just me being pessimistic again.

This is not a post to complain about how horrid I have it. I do not think I have it in me to even attempt to make anyone understand what I'm feeling at this moment.

There are so many thoughts that have constantly been circulating throughout my head as of late.

I want stability. I want security. I want love. I want to be wanted. I want to hurry up and get paid. I want to really settle into Chicago. I want friendship. I want platonic relationships. I want to understand. I want to be patient. I want to learn to take others' advice. I want to be trusting. I want to be trusted. I want to know that it's all worth waiting for. I want to be appreciated. I want to erase all doubt.

I Want.
I Want.
I Want.

But what I need to focus on is figuring out what I need.


I used to be a hopeless romantic disguised as a realist. But now it's no secret that this isn't the case. I know what I want and need.

Has there been any real change spoken of sober?
Is getting along as good as it gets?


I'm not unhappy. I have my job back and soon will come financial stability and further responsibility that is much needed. I have a wonderful new roommate that provides mature advice and is always around to talk. I'm no longer stuck sitting around with nothing better to do than think about all the bad.

I just feel that there is so much more that I could possibly be experiencing. I feel as though I'm missing out on what matters to me most. I'm happiest with another. I have so much love and compassion to give. But I don't want to be the one giving it away. I want to share. I NEED to share.

Baby it's Cold Outside

WARM ME UP, ASSFACE.


Thanks.





p.s. Bennigan's is back. Visit me. I work like erryday.

Wonderful

I'm doing more than okay.


Job I love.
Awesome new roommate.
Fun nights.
Good times.



Maybe staying in Chicago wasn't such a bad idea after all.

Another Night

It's wonderful how just one night with someone to cuddle with can make all seem right in my life.

But now it's back to cold, hard reality.



I'm helping the new roommate move in all day.
Michelle's coming over later for hot chocolate.

Come help us.

Down

I hate being fake.
But at this point, there isn't much of a choice.

My stomach is in knots.
I feel as though I could cry my eyes out the rest of the night without running out of tears.

I'm not okay.
I'm just not.

And now I have so much to deal with when I get back all at once. I don't know how I even have the drive to do it.

Really?

NO I'M NOT OKAY WHEN IT COMES TO JOKING AROUND ABOUT OUR PAST RELATIONSHIP. YOU FUCKED MY BEST FRIEND AFTERWARD.

So, no, it's not alright and quite frankly will NEVER be alright to joke around about.

Stop giving me hard time about it. I'm not being unreasonable. I don't want to discuss anything about the past.

I'm not sad about it. I don't still have feelings. I'm not bitter. It's just bullshit, and I'm not cool with discussing it even casually.

Just leave it at that.
I have enough going on right now and I don't need anything else getting me riled up.

Violent Femmes

I need someone, a person to talk to
Someone who'd care, to love
Could it be you? Could it be you?

Situation gets rough, then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey kid you're sick
Well darling, this is it

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
[Yeah yeah]
Yeah, they do it all the time
[Yeah yeah]
They do it all the time
[Do it all the time]
They do it all the time
[Do it all the time]
They do it all the time
Do it all the time

I hope you know that this will go down on your permanent record
Oh yeah?
Well don't get so distressed;
Did I happen to mention that I'm impressed?

I take 1, 1, 1 cuz you left me and
2, 2, 2 for my family and
3, 3, 3 for my heartache and
4, 4, 4 for my headaches! and
5, 5, 5 for my lonely and
6, 6, 6 for my sorrow and
7, 7 for nonono tomorrow and
8, 8 I forget what 8 was for! and
9, 9, 9 for a lost god and
10, 10, 10, 10 for everything
everything everything everything

You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
[Yeah yeah]
Yeah, they do it all the time
[Yeah yeah]
They do it all the time
[Do it all the time]
They do it all the time
[Do it all the time]
They do it all the time
Do it all the time

Not Right Now

I am already sick of hearing about it. As soon as one person knows, everyone knows.

I just find it amusing that as soon as my status is changed, boys start showing up out of the wood works. Yeah, I'm sure you're all extremely sympathetic.

Well according to a former best friend, "Ever since Raven moved up to Chicago she's just turned into a huge whore." So, I shouldn't complain, right? Just people to get my mind off of it, huh? I love finding out how people really see me.


I keep going back and forth from being extremely pissed off and completely crushed. One second I'm bawling my eyes out and the next I'm making plans to get fucked up.

I'm already going insane because of my stupid hormones. I'm irritable as fuck. I feel like shit physically, mentally, and emotionally.


And yet, all I want at this moment is to see him.

First Aid Kit

Yeah you cooked his dinners
You raised his children and still
He's not satisfied
He says I rather switch with you
You don't now hard it is
To work from 9-5
But he speaks with his eyes closed
And even though you're not all alone
He's never there to be with you
And you remember when you were young
When life was new and it was fun
Now every corner's filled with dust

But you're not coming home tonight

You just took the train
And you left without a wave
Figured he'd never let you leave anyway
And now you're sitting on that train
Seeing life in a new way
And every forest sings a song
One for the heartbroken lovers
And one for the dreamers
And then there's one just for you
The wind's been humming on it all day
And the soil lies awake
Waiting for it's drum solo

'Cause you're not coming home tonight

The ship is sailing
I'll meet you on the other side
The future's unclear
But hopefully it will be fine

You're not coming home tonight

Kids

I swear, my sister and her boyfriend can be ridiculously stupid at times.
BUT, they're also entertaining as fuck.


It finally feels like winter here.
My feet are frozen.

I want some hot chocolate.


OHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I think I have a puppy! I'm stoked.


And, I found the last Harry Potter movie that I've been missing, hahahaha. Oh brother.


I'm alright.
I'll be better after I get some food in me and take a nap.
Then some Guitar Hero? I think, YES.
Come over, kids.

Monday

My stomach's on fire.
My boobs hurt.
I'm irritable as fuck.
I have a killer migraine.
I'm running on three hours of sleep.
And I'm about to spend four hours at the courthouse for someone else.


What a way to start this wonderfully overcast Monday morning.
Oh, and it's snowing.

DANGGGGGGGG.