Cold

Summer might as well be over around these parts.
Wonderful.


And eff this birthday.
I no longer seem to really care.
How sad is that? I still have three weeks and I'm already totally over my 21st.

Seeing Laiah is really the only upside. At least, the only noteworthy part of the trip.

I'm just tired of all the bullshit. I'm so over having all my plans revolve around other people and their stupid, unjust feelings. I'm sick of always having to take the hard way around everything. I just want a break. I desire for just one thing to go my way for once.

Why am I always so up and down?
I am so sick of being misunderstood. I mean, seriously...my own girlfriend doesn't even know me. And she's the closest person I have to me.

It'd be nice to have stability in more than just Kevin and I's friendship. But no. That's it. That is my only stability. And on a good week I'm able to see him for a full day.


Nights like this make me question why anything matters. I mean, really, what's the point?

Compassion

Today has been really odd for me. I hung out with Matt Bryan today. Remember him? I cannot believe he's been a youth minister at multiple churches. Last night; however, he explained to me that he was no longer interested in working in a church. "Love Jesus. Not church politics." I highly agree, but it was a shock to hear it come from his mouth.

We got onto the subject of FCC today. Mostly the bad was discussed. I was being associated with all the "hoodlums" I invited to youth group. But isn't that who we need to be reaching out to the most? Those kids weren't treated as they should have been. They were outcasted even when they did show up. It was ridiculous, really.

As if this all didn't make the day odd enough, James Hauser started talking to me on Facebook tonight. It was nice. He was the first youth minister I ever connected with. I decided at 15 that he would do my wedding :) Unfortunately, I don't think that's really much of an option if it doesn't happen to be to a male. And I understand that. James is not close-minded at all. And I truly respect his beliefs. He does not judge. And he does more than tolerate. He speaks out of love and compassion at all times. I really needed the talk we had.

James

"Raven I hope you know I love you and I do not want to come across as a close minded whatever. I believe I am open minded, so much that I will not tell you to get out of your relationship. What I will tell you is get to know Jesus of the Bible. Not the one you hear people in your circles talk about, but the Jesus of scripture. If you do this God will shape your heart. I believe that.

.....

Screaming, shouting, making people feel worthless, not wanted, excluded, doomed or whatever is not going to draw people to Jesus. But kindness and grace will."

LAIAH DEANNE

Ask and I'll go along with it.

I want to make her happy.
I need to make her happy.
As happy as she makes me.

I have some pretty big shoes to fill.


Chicagoooo.
Home soon.

Chicagooo

Okay, okay!
I'll come back already :)


Stoked on being near my lady again<3

Nausea

I've allowed myself to become extremely overwhelmed again. There's so much that I'm trying to focus on. So many factors have to be closely watched and accounted for in order to make one large event happen. It's tiring and stressful.

Not to mention, I'm bubbling over with anxiety caused by multiple issues that might as well learn to take a backseat. I'm scared to mention even one issue. I can't come off all psycho again, now can I?


Bullshit? Yes.

fuckfuckFuck.

Better?
Never.




Change of pace, a bit of fun news.
New Breathe Carolina album is out in just over a day :]

And I gave in and made a tumblr.
http://ravenannn.tumblr.com/

Fight, Fight, Fight!

Waste of breath.

I'm trying to keep my focus on the bigger picture. Where I want things to end up. And if that means sucking it up now, I suppose that's what I'll have to do. But I don't forget. I just know that later on my feelings on this are going to have a chance to arise again and my decisions and judgements are going to be based on my feelings as a whole. The feelings I have now. The unfairness. Being unwelcome. My feelings not being worth fighting for. No, I don't have it in me to start a fight. I'm working toward not hiding my feelings behind anger. The truth is, it's not anger or even bitterness that I feel. It's genuine hurt being masked by the latter in order to hide my emotional weaknesses.


It's all been said before.
It'll just continue until it's really going to count.
And that's when action will have to be taken.
I suppose there's no point even dwelling on it now.

You

don't care to read this.

And I'm not getting much out of blogging as of late.
I could write all the good and the bad.
Then try to measure pros and cons.
But what's the point?

Sleepy

I stayed up way longer than I wanted to waiting for a call from the lady. Unfortunately, she doesn't feel well and is going to sleep. It's weird. It's the first time I haven't talked to her before bed in...maybe ever. Let alone, not at all an entire day. Hmm...that's quite a record we had going there...or well, had. I don't like this :[


I work tomorrow night then Tuesday morning. After that, I'm heading to Chicago. Then I'll get to sleep in her bad for four nights. I need that.



Now I'm off to pass out. I'm exhausted. Thankfully, I'm not sick of work yet.

Happy

Already have about $600 saved up. Woo, woo!

Chicago on Tuesday. Can't wait to have me some Laiah :) Also seeing Christopher Glenn Phillips. Random. Alex and Johnny, yay!!! And I have to see Alaina. I never seem to be able to. But this trip I have to try extra hard to make it happen.

I work all day tomorrow. I'm alright with that. Hopefully make some decent money since I'm taking a day off this week so I can stay in Chicago for longer.

Just finished with my final for my media arts class along with a final project for it. I'm going to final project for my behavioral science class tomorrow in between my double shifts. Then I'm done with those two classes. Yay! :) Two down, a ton to go.


I'm feeling pretty great.
It's a nice change.