Overwhelmed

My surrounding environment is really starting to take a serious toll on me. I know that a lot of people say they hate visiting where they grew up because it's old news. Everyone is ready for change and escaping the stagnant past they left behind. But when I say that I hate being here, my reasons are of a much more serious nature.

I cannot bear to observe the debilitated state that my parents' lives are in. Even more unbearable is the resulting lives my sisters are now forced to lead. It's heartbreaking. And of course, I blame myself to an extent. I was thrown into the position on raising them for an extended period of time, but as soon as I was able to flee the situation, I did. I just left them there. Who would do such a thing?

It's hard for me to imagine coming from this family. They're crude, criticizing, addictive, close-minded, and unintelligent for the most part. I've been told that I'm the white sheep of the family. The only one that strove to better myself and my future despite the conditions I was raised in. But I still care. I care far too much to continually put myself in this position. I cannot be around them for long. I feel too horrid for them. And I can't help it. It sickens me. It's incredibly depressing and I can't handle it. Each day it just gets worse for me.

I desperately need someone to talk to. Whether or not I feel like divulging all the thoughts running through my mind and weighing me down, it'd still be wonderful to have some to distract me from my current surroundings. But that person doesn't seem to exist. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. They have jobs and classes. They have social lives of their own to attend to.

So once again, I find myself taking on the world on my own. Alone. I suppose it's nothing new. That's how it's been the majority of my life. Most of the time I'm stuck in my head. It's the only release that never seems to let me down. But I often times find myself lost there. I think that's better than giving into the chaos that surrounds me.