Nausea

The lengths that people will go to in order to control those they supposedly care about truly sickens me. How can you not see that this is affecting more than just your family?




I no longer have it in me to be able to cry at the moment.
And I am at a loss for words.

Listen Hard

Guilty

It's nice to see old friends and family, but I'm ready to get out of here already. It's not that I don't care to be around them, it's just different. This isn't home to me anymore.

Every time I come back, I slowly feel as though I'm being suffocated. Then I panic over getting stuck here again. Never, ever will I live in this stagnant area again. Nothing good has ever come out of it and for good reason.

But Colorado is even further from where I want to be. I think it'll be good for me though. I need to get some things figured out. I am in desperate need of a change. I could use the time to work on myself.

Thus far, I can't say that I've made much progress. I'm still crushed and it doesn't seem as though that'll change any time soon. But it's not a lost cause. It took me a good four months ish to get over Christopher completely. I have from now until the end of summer. It's manageable. I'm just sick of being forced to go through this process. And never have I let someone get me to the point that I feel this horrid. Blehhhhhhhhhh.


On a lighter note, I totally started teaching my mother and aunt the Deceptacon dance. I'm not sure I've ever laughed that hard. We've decided to make everyone learn it for my aunt's wedding in May. Hahaha. Oh brother!

Visitors

I had my first visitors from Chicago today. Haha, yes, on my first full day back. It was just what I needed. A day full of them poking fun at my small town roots. Denny's, the pitiful excuse for a mall, and bowling. Wooooo! Hahahaha. It was wonderful.

I spent all last night having a Rock Band extravaganza. I started it back up first thing in the morning. Yes, even before breakfast. I am just that hardcore.

I've officially done just about all there is to do since I've gotten back. Next weekend, I plan to go to the drive in. Yay! I'm stoked.

I am trying to keep myself occupied and learn to be optimistic again.
But I still think about him every single day.
And even though I wouldn't let myself say it before, I will miss him.
I will miss him more than anyone else that I left behind.

Gone

I'm officially out of Chicago.
My departure was pretty uneventful. I expected something more I suppose. Then again, I did not even take the time to look back. I am sure that if I would have, it would have resulted in me breaking down completely. But that came once I made it to my destination anyway.

I am saddened by the way things have ended. There was so much that I wanted to be able to say. But I could not bring myself to do it. I was completely overwhelmed by my emotions at the time. A mixture of resentment, hurt, and love. I wrote a letter. However, I felt guilty over what I had to say. It was horrid. But I really felt all of it. Maybe he deserved to know how he made me feel. I am trying to tell myself that it was enough to just get it all out in writing. There is no reason in brining a person down merely to make me feel better.

But that is it. It is done and over. That is the last time I will ever be able to speak to him about us. There no longer is an "us." There has not been for quite some time now. I need to focus on moving on at this point.

How do you allow yourself to grow closer to such an amazing person when you are still head over heels for another? This is a tough task to face. But I am attempting to give it my all. She is everything I need. It is about time I give a good person a chance. I have always made time for those unworthy of a shot. It is about time that changes.

For the next couple of days, I am going to work on dealing with the heartache. I am going to rest up and spend some time with my family. Then I will work on forward progression. Off to Colorado.

I have left the people I care about. I have left all I have worked for. I have left the city I love all over someone who does not care for me in return. I felt it. It was real for me. And it will take me quite some time to get over. But it is something I have to get to work on before it drives me insane.