Home Sweet Chicago

I just spent one of the greatest weeks back in Chicago.

It was great to see all the people I care so much about again. But the best part was falling into her arms every single night and waking up in the same place every morning.

I cannot wait for this to be the norm. I will be back soon for good. But not soon enough.


As for today, I flew into New Orleans. I will be down here for about a week. The fam. Cabin on the water. Aunt's wedding to end the week. Fun, fun.


Leaving her again definitely puts a damper on things though. Blehhhhhhhhh.

Guilt

I tear myself up over things I've done in the past that I regret.


I don't need someone else to bring them to the surface again.
And I sure the hell don't need to feel their judging eyes on me either.





I'm alright with who I am.
I don't need anyone to make me feel bad about myself.

Step Back

Earlier today, I was overcome by an incredible urge to blog. I was extremely upset and wanted to get it all out. Unfortunately, I had a lot going on at the moment and didn't have time to mess with it. Now, I'm glad that I put it off.

Her mother still refuses to have anything to do with me. As though I'm some sort of disease that has affected her daughter. And today was the final straw. Or so I thought. I've stood up to my family in her defense. I refused to pretend she wasn't gay just to make them feel more comfortable. That wouldn't be fair to myself or her. I was taking her as my date to the wedding no matter what they had to say about it. They are my family, and they will either accept my lifestyle, or I do not want anything to do with them.

It would never come to that. At least, that's what I tell myself. They may not all understand it, but as their blood, I expect them to accept it and to be supportive of ME and who I care about. But if it were to come down to it, I would disown them for not being supportive before they could even think to disown me for my choices. That's just how it is with me. I expect to be loved unconditionally and treated like any other member of the family. And I am not afraid to call anyone out on being unfair and close minded.

It just hurt so badly that she once again crumbled under her mother's glare and agreed to not bring me to her parents renewal of the vows ceremony and party. Why? Because her mother isn't ready to be asked if I'm her daughter's girlfriend. I was completely overcome by rage immediately. Why is it that I am to stick up to my family when she can't do the same for me?

I have given myself time to cool down over it. And I've realized that the anger was covering up how I really felt. It hurt. It still hurts. But I came across a blog to her mother tonight, and I realized that not everyone can handle things the way that I do. I'm definitely not capable of handling everything single handed, but I am one tough cookie. I refuse to let people talk to me or treat me differently because of how I look, my views, or my lifestyle. Not even my family. I'm not saying that I think she has a stronger allegiance to her family at all. I love my family dearly. But I feel that your family should always be the first to back you in anything and everything. And if they don't, I don't feel that I owe them anything special for doing what they were expected to do for me in the first place. You choose to have kids, you better be ready to support them, raise them, accept them for who they are. For who God created them to be.

She has different views than me. And her family structure is nothing like my own. So I need to practice some patience and try to let her deal with this in her own time. I can't expect her to handle the situation as I would. Because she isn't me. She is extremely caring and through it all, she feels bad for hurting her mother. Even though she has nothing to be sorry for. She is who she is. And she is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I am lucky to have her in my life, and that woman is lucky to have her as a daughter. And if she doesn't start to catch on, she's going to lose her forever.

She is perfect just the way God created her.

And I cannot wait so see her again.

Punching Bag

I may have done the same in the past but I apologized.

It's not alright. And I refuse to put up with it when I was being sympathetic.



Way to complete 180.

Ice Cream

I won't lie. This song gets me in the mood.

I'm a Girl!

I've began to pick up on the fact that my hormones have been completely out of whack the past couple of months. Don't tell me I can't blame it on being a female. 'Cause I can! It cannot excuse my behavior and outbursts, but I hope it can make them understandable. I need to have that checked out.

I've noticed that I tend to write here a lot when I'm down or upset. It helps to clear my mind. Sometimes I just need to vent. It makes me feel better. However, I think I'm going to change the pace today. If I write about all the positives in my life right now, there's a possibility that I could walk away from this in a great mood. Call me crazy! It just might work.

First and foremost, I'm flying to Chicago on Saturday. Wooo! It's about time I take a visit. There are some people that I seriously miss every single day that passes. Not to mention, I have a beautiful girl to be seeing. So yes, needless to say, I'm pretty stoked. I'm hoping for some laser tag or possibly cosmic bowling. But, I'm not picky. I will for sure be spending time with the ever-so-wonderful, Alaina Debski! Only my soon to be greatest, future roomie.

I'm flying straight out from Chicago to New Orleans. My aunt is getting married. The fam is renting a cabin on the water for the week before. It'll be nice to have everyone together at once. It doesn't happen all that often anymore. And if all goes according to plan, Miss Chandra Mahrle will be joining me. Looking forward to loads of laughs, pancakes, brownies, and water sports. Yayyyyyyy!

I originally planned to drive home to southern IL afterward, but now I believe I'm flying straight back to Denver. That should be fine. Becca promised to take me to Boulder and show me where the cool kids hang out. And being as I consider myself a cool kid, I figure I outta pay attention!

I really wanted to make it to Summer Jam when I get back, but it's already sold out. Warped isn't until August as well as Lollapalooza. So, I have a couple of months to just sort of go with the flow and see what I can find to do. I hope to be able to do quite a bit of camping. I haven't been able to in so incredibly long. And none of that fake camping with electricity. Eff you cheaters. I'm from the middle of nowhere in bumfuck IL. It's about time I'm able to go outside and actually see nature again. Not to mention, I'm still in awe of the Rockies. I can see them right out my window. Insane.

Welp, that about wraps it up for now. I'm going to go waste some time elsewhere. Zip it up....and Zip it OUT!

Did I mention I've watched a lot of Dave Chappelle stand up recently???

chucklechucklechuckleeeee

Down

I want to be happy. I want to be supportive. I should be happy that she's making new friends. I want to be proud that everyone thinks she's so pretty...

But the more she talked, the more sick I ended up. I don't understand. I'm perfectly fine one moment, and the next I'm leaning over the toilet gagging and crying. Am I going crazy?

Do I resent her for having all that I want? I desire nothing more than to be back in Chicago with my friends. I was used to making new friends constantly and going to parties three and four times a week. I want to be back there so desperately.

I'm not happy. I don't care how beautiful it is here. It doesn't matter how nice the people are. I don't care that the drama factor is significantly lower. I just want to go back. I need to go back. And I don't want to wait until July.

I'm such an unsatisfied bitch toward her at times. I am well aware that it's not just over the things she does. It's isn't solely due to the fact that we don't always see eye to eye. No, I have to bring all of my issues into the mix and take it out on her.

This is what I do. I push people away when things are going badly for me.



I am so fucked.