Not all Here

I've had an odd weekend. It was wonderful. But I feel that something is so terribly wrong.

There was a storm on Thursday night that knocked the power out until the next afternoon. I ended up staying with my cousin and her roommate for the next two nights with some friends and more cousins. Josh was up visiting from New Mexico. Jeezeee. I hadn't seen him in years. Apparently, he might be coming back to stay for awhile next month. If not, he'll be back to stay in October. Not that I plan on being here by then, but it's still closer to Chicago than New Mexico is.

Things seem as though they should be looking up. I'm working now. I'm taking classes. I've been getting out of the house more. However, I feel more unsettled that I did before.

Could it be her talking to her ex? Yeah, the one she claims to not talk to anymore. Could it be that I feel she has a tendency to be slightly inconsiderate as of late? Could it be that when asked if she has a boyfriend she replies with a statement that she's gay, not that she has a girlfriend? Or is it just the fact that I miss her so much and now won't be able to see her this week like we had planned? Honestly, I'm not really sure. It seems when things don't work out as planned, I start to notice and point out anything and everything that seems a little out of place.

Am I just freaking out because I'm soon going to be back in Chicago and will find out if it's going to make or break this relationship? I tend to over think things when I get attached. I get really nervous and start picking at every little flaw. It's not fair to her or myself. But I think I'm just one of those people that needs reassurance. Maybe she's just not the type to give that. When everything starts to go right, I cannot help but think of every little thing that could possibly jeopardize it all.


Once again, I'm a mess and don't have anyone that I can really talk to without feeling guilty.

Everything just feels so wrong.