Excitement!

I've had one of the greatest evenings ever! I love Kevin Dodson so freaking much! I swear my life would be loads brighter with him in it all the time.

We went out to eat and I totally slipped our waiter his number. He got so embarrassed over it and rushed me outside. Hahaha. How does he ever plan to snag a guy playing it safe? We spent the rest of the night driving around listening to whimsical music and discussing life.

I'm pretty sure he's moving to Chicago in a couple of months. We're going to live together and experience the city together. I can't believe we lost touch like we did. That kid is seriously one of my best friends.

I can't wait to steal him away from his ultra conservative, judgmental family. They already told him how much of a bad influence I'd be on him. And their reasoning? Because they thought I didn't go to church when I lived in Salem. Seriously, people?


I really need to get back to the city. I cannot leave Jeenah there alone. I already feel terrible.

But that's about it. She cares about me, honest to God. And I haven't found many that I could say the same about.

Update

I've had some really great times as of late. It saddens me to know that I have to leave soon. I've told people that I'm going to stay for another week. But now I'm just not sure about that.

There's so much more I'd like to do. I'd love to spend more time with these people that I really care about who truly care for me in return. But I've come to realize this place isn't home anymore. Soon I have to head back to real life and responsibility.

And out of nowhere, I've begun to feel sort of homesick. Homesick for Chicago. All of the sudden, I really miss a select few. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I've done a lot of thinking since I've been here. I've really set my priorities straight. And I know what I want and what I DESERVE. I just cannot allow myself to continuously settle with merely being content. This goes for love, relationships, friendships, life in general.



I will be happy at all costs.

Clarification

My last blog was not about one specific person. If that were the case, I'd have given credit to the person who penned the quote. Reading it just set me to thinking and the blog was a result.

I'm not going to preach at someone for not believing in God. BUT, if you're going to denounce Him, don't give some bullshit excuses as to why you don't. It's such a cop out.

Now, if there is more to it, you have more to say, alright fine. Good for you. That would be another reason as to why this blog wasn't written TO YOU. Again, it was written out of frustration towards the masses of unintelligent dumbfucks that have no legitimate reasons as to why they believe what they believe.


SO if you took it personal, which you did, I apologize. Again, it wasn't written to you.

Frustration

"if there is a god, the things that go on in this world would not be happening.
i don't care about the adults.
i'm talking children.
starving,beat,molested,abused,raped the list goes on.
there is no god.
i am my own god. i make my choices and i live with them.
i make my own life, not some god."




I get sick of hearing the same old bullshit excuses as to why there can't be a God. God gave us free will. The ability to make our own choices and make our own paths. Now how fair and just would God be if He only gave "good" people the right to choose how they behave and what they do?

Stop blaming God for people's mistakes.


AND, if all was peachy-keen in the world, people would take life for granted. Hell, look at all the shit going on as it is and how many people already take it for granted.



I don't care to receive any replies on how I just don't understand because I haven't experienced the horrors of the world.

I grew up with two drug addicted parents who fucked up my sister's life. I was forced to take care of my siblings for years while my step dad was fucked up and my mom was so deep in depression that she never left her room. I was sexually abused as a child. I've lived my entire life for other people. And as soon as I make a decision for myself, I move away only to be used, lose most of what I have, and raped and molested by my first roommate and his friends.

I'm fucked up. I'm never happy for long. And I still worry mostly over how I can help other that I care about feel better only to be continuously taken for granted and pushed to the side.


But will I denounce my God?
No matter how bad I think I've had it, I know there are those out there that have had it worse. There are people that go through things I cannot even imagine.


God is not at fault.
WE are at fault.

Come On

I just want to enjoy my time here.

I get sick of everyone's drama rama.


Thanksgiving number two was great!
wooo.



Mister Deckard and I are out to watch BOLT.
Come meet up with us!


I'm super excited.
I could piss my pants.


xx

Thanks and such

It's about time I get along with my entire family for once.


And I'm having a great time with my friends.
It's nice to be happy.

Oh Brother

Why is everyone engaged or popping out babies?

Seriously, don't ask my opinion on it.
I'll tell you lots you won't want to hear.








I did so much laundry today. Wow.
Lots of family time and a scary movie with Barak.
I almost cried again.
It doesn't help that he lives in the middle of NOWHERE.



Ask me how I am.
I'm fine.

I'm keeping my spirits up enjoying my time with people who aren't leaving my life.

A few will be joining me in Chicago sooner than I had expected :)

Salem

I had a really great first day back. I didn't expect so many people to meet up with me on the first day. I had people calling me while I was still on the train home. The last people left at 5 in the a.m. AND, I actually had to tell someone that I just couldn't make time to hang out yet. I have plans all the way through Sunday. A week just may not be enough.


As much as I hate southern IL, I love visiting. Everyone knows me here. People FLOCK to me. And it's because they GENUINELY care about me. We've been through some crazy situations together. My phone has been ringing off the hook. People are trying to convince me to stay an extra week already.

If only I didn't hate the area so much, I think I'd never leave.

Again

idontcare.idontcare.idontcare.









But

I

DO.

Hum Dee Dum

Mmmmm!





It's nice to be in high spirits.






xx

I miss

making cinnamon pancakes for Sara at all hours of the day :(

No matter what, I gots you babe<3

50/50 on Friday. Woo, woo!






Today rules.

Snow

I walked in it today.
And it was beautiful.






I'm great.

Ick

I've awoken with a sick feeling in my gut. You know what I'm talking about. It isn't a physical pain and there's not much you can do to rid yourself of it.

I just feel that something is coming. Something unsettling. Then again, it could just be that I'm finally digesting this week.

I've been calling my mom a lot again lately. I'm still having some issues with how things were when I was around, but being away from them all has made me realize how much I still care about them all despite their downfalls in the past.

Then the news about Jake...Sadly, I wasn't around much to get to know him on a level that I would have liked. But from our few interactions, it was easy to tell that he was a great kid. I remember talking to him about God and the impact He has had on our lives and the like. I just can't believe he was only 17. That kid had a lot of heart.

They're still not sure what's wrong with my step dad. But they finally released him from the hospital and are trying him out on a couple of meds. It's scary having to worry about your parents. I've never really had to in the past. And it's not something I look forward to in the future.

I still blame myself for a lot of the issues my sister is having. Blehhhhh, but that's a story all in itself. Something I don't quite feel like getting into at the moment. I don't have the drive to type out a whole lot of feelings at the moment.

The other night, I found a book Matt bought me for my birthday back in the day. It basically goes on and on about how worrying is a sin. Haha. I cracked up when I first saw it. But basically it tries to explain that by worrying you aren't putting your faith in God to make things right. So, stress over worry is sinful. It still makes me giggle a bit.

God gave us the freedom to choose. We make our own decisions. If we mess up and stress ensues thus bringing about worry, that's just something we have to deal with. Now, I strongly believe in prayer and divine intervention, but one cannot expect God to bail him/her out every time they mess up. Stress and worry are a part of life. It's not a fun thought, but it's something one must learn to deal with. Now, I happen to take it above and beyond though. I worry much more than I should. But it's because I care. I want the ones I love and care about to be happy and safe.

The night before last I realized that things were just getting out of control with me. And for the first time in awhile, I sat down and just prayed my little heart out. I spilled all of my grief and worry out over the course of two hours holed up in my room. I let it all go. Recent issues, problems a long time coming. Stress I was suffering from. The stress of people I care about. My family. My friends. Previous friends I'd given up on for one reason or another.

Such an incredible feeling came over me. For the first time in quite awhile, I felt this blanket of calm come flooding over me. Just letting go of all that worry, stress, and guilt made me feel like a person starting over. I suppose that's why I worry so much over Adam. He doesn't seem to be letting any of the negativity go. And no one should have to keep that bottled up inside.

I was in a great mood yesterday I'm still in a pretty good mood today as well. I just need to stay focused on the positive. I tend to feed off of other people's emotions. And when I'm around people that are unhappy or bogged down with day to day life, it starts to build up on me. So my new goal is to try and brighten others' days. A little bit of positivity and genuine interest in another's feeling can go a long way.

Also, believe it or not, cleaning is a great mood upper. Yeah, it's a weird thought. But when I'm upset or just need some time to think, house cleaning and a shower can completely change my mood around. So I washed the dishes, scrubbed the stove, swept, mopped, and wiped the tables down. It's not even my apartment, but I feel wonderful.

I'm still a little sad to see Josh go. I've been avoiding him best I can because of it. It's just going to be so much different without him around. He was someone I was close to even when he was being a jerk. I found a girl that seem like a good choice for a replacement. I just hope we hit it off nicely and become close. I deal best when surrounded by people that I trust and care about.

Anywho, I'm going to take June and Molly out again. Blehhhhhh, I really need Cailey bug here! Adam has his two girls and their unconditional love, and I want mine! I'm trying not to get my hopes up though. There's no telling if I'll actually end up with her. But my mom did offer me a full blooded pom-poodle. They paid 600 for Fergie and then just gave her away! But now they have first pick in her litter. And my mom, knowing how hard I've been having it without Cailey here, told me I could have the puppy. I'm super excited.

Hope everyone has a fantabulous day.
laugh laugh laugh

xx

Newspapers

only depress me.

There are no emotions. Just clear cut facts.

"MARSHALL COUNTY, Ky. -- Another Marion teen has died as the result of a traffic accident.
Jacob Cato, 17, a senior at Marion High School, died early Saturday morning after hitting a deer while traveling west on Interstate 24 in Marshall County, Ky. The accident happened close to mile marker 25 near the Purchase Parkway interchange.

The Marshall County Sheriff's Department said sometime before 3 a.m. Saturday, a deer ran in front of the Ford Explorer being driven by Cato. The vehicle swerved into the median, then overcorrected to the right.

Both Cato and his passenger, Jamal Monyea of Marion, were ejected when the SUV rolled over 4-6 times and stopped in the median. Cato was pronounced dead at the scene; Monyea was taken by ambulance to Paducah's Lourdes Hospital, where he was later airlifted to Deaconess Hospital in Evansville, Ind."






You were a great kid, Jake.

Text Messages

I lock the ones that make me happy.



From: Christopher Glenn Phillips
I am here to talk you faggot.
Sep 5, 1:35 pm

Hahaha. While I've talked to him about things I've never uttered to another person, I don't think I'll ever have it in me to do anything more than scratch the surface on anything of depth with him again.

From Joshwaaa Chambers
In your mouth and everyone's coming...Mike said that.
Sep 15, 9:41 pm

I love and miss the old Josh and our ex roomie Mike. He never cooked for me like he said. AND, he still owes me ice cream.

From: Barak
Remember how we use to walk together like EVERY DAY and I'd always be late for class cause you insisted I walk you to yours first? lol.
Sep 15, 10:28 pm

Oh, Barak, how I miss you and my Junior year of high school. Now you're engaged and I fear we'll never be as close again. Blame it on me. I suck.

From: Lando Michael Winborn
Love you babe. And miss you. Even if I don't show it. Have fun. Be safe. And enjoy them while you can.
Sep 19, 8:50 pm

The only text saved from my birthday. Even though we go in and out of talking, let's stay life long pals, mmk? Miss you. Love you. Don't be a stranger.

From: Lando Michael Winborn
I hope I still matter. I miss you. Sorry I'm so busy. I wish I had more time. You're amazing. And I know you're tired of hearing it. But I mean it. Hope I can somehow see you.
Oct 9, 11:37 pm

And the winner with two!!! Haha. You're one of my best friends, and you'll always matter. And, you're one of only two people that tell me that I'm amazing. And neither of you are here with me. So, thanks, pal! And one day, one day I promise to visit.

From: Corey Fag
What time? I'm bringing bearded men.
Oct 16, 4:56 pm

Ahaha. This one makes me smile every time I read it. And for those of you who know why, kudos.

From: adam patrick
You're all mine now.
October 29, 10:51 pm

I don't just jump into relationships for the hell of it. The night before:

"I need a cigarette to talk about this.
I read your blog.
I want to be the one one that woos you.
I want to sweep you off your feet.
I want to be that boy."

I said we lacked depth, and after some convincing, he shared with me some very personal things about his past.
Lately, he's started to share little details. I appreciate it. But it's still lacking. I want to work with him. Give him time. But if he could just spill about his past that one night, I don't see how now is any different. I don't expect it to be easy or fun for him, but I feel as though we're just stuck. There's no real forward motion.

He's full of so much charm and compassion, but ever since I made our relationship official, he's given up on working towards anything.

He works a ridiculous amount. I feel bad for him. He doesn't really have much time for himself. And I think it's really getting to him. I don't hold that against him. He's doing what he has to survive. And I admire him for it.

He really is a great guy whether he realizes it or not. I think he's wonderful. He showed me a lot of his good side when we first started hanging out. He needs to give himself some more credit.

But now he's having all of these issues with his past. And I cannot help at all. I'm kept completely in the dark. There's nothing I hate more than knowing that someone I care about is having a hard time and I can't do anything to make it better. One thing that Christopher taught me, was to open up to someone. It was the hardest thing I ever did. But I felt a lot better afterward. One shouldn't have to hold onto all of that baggage. Let it out. Let it go.

I also have a really big issue with disrespect. I don't freak out over stupid comments and remarks on the internet because I myself mess around at times. Just being silly. Not taking things very seriously. But I don't comment on my ex's pictures stating that's where I first fell for him or show that I'm still hung up on him through my status. So once again, damn that Facebook and its lovely newsfeed.

An upside, I think I'm going to go home for Thanksgiving. Well, not home, but Colorado. The fam is going meeting up at Venedy's for a few days. I really need a break from Chicago. It'll be the first time in three months.

I need my Cailey Bug back. I can shower all my love and affection on her. Her love is unconditional and I cannot be down with her around.

Bleh, being a hopeless romantic can sure get old. But I cannot imagine being any other way. I was made to love. Love isn't something we make up just to pass the time. For me, to love is to live. I could not live without love. It's easy to love people who want to be loved. But I need to work on loving those who don't. I really think that's what I was created for. To spread love. I often times get sidetracked with my own issues, but who doesn't need improvement? I'm a work on it.



And I'll end with thoughts from an old friend of mine:
" I used to think I knew everything and that love was nothing more than something we've all made up to pass the time...I was wrong, and I am thankful for that. You know love is real when it finds you when you weren't trying to find it. I'm glad she found me."


sigh.

No Sleep

I wrote up another blog after this night.
But I deleted it.

Done being passive aggressive.
When he wakes up, talk time.

I have a lot of thoughts running through my head. And I end up censoring them when I blog anyway. So I might as well just get out what I need to.




I've had a rough week so far whether I've shown it or not.
Sometimes, my emotions all come pouring out at once after being bottled up.
And I've already begun showing signs of collapse.
Just cut me some slack.

AND Raven Ann

is sick to her stomach from having to see it bothers him.





Eff Facebook.
Sometimes, I could do without the updates.

Really?

Three separate hospitals in two days and they still don't know what's wrong with my dad's heart.


Seriously?

Blast from the Past

I was going through my old photobucket account and found some great shots. Hahahaha. I'll let you see for yourself.














For even more embarrassing pictures, feel free to lurk my photobucket. I have an entire album devoted to Sonny Moore and super lame dp. Go on. Laugh.

http://s26.photobucket.com/albums/c143/xxpapercutheartxx/

Mess

I hate feeling as though I'm constantly being compared to someone else.
I feel as though I'm one big disappointment. As though I don't measure up.


It could all be in my head.
But maybe it's not.



Who's here?
Who isn't?

I Love Jesus

A friend very near and dear to me confessed to me over the phone that he is now an atheist. When met with my shock and confusion, he went on laughing and giving me all of these b/s excuses as to how there couldn't possibly be a God. He tried telling me that evolution explains too much in order for there to be a higher power. What does this kid even know about evolution? He tried feeding me regurgitated nonsense as though I were going to nod my head and say, "Yes, Zak. You're absolutely right. How did I not think of that?!"

Really, Zak. Really???

I'm the one that got him into FCC to begin with. Did he really think he was going to explain it all away to me like that?

I recently started talking to some old friends from home that were follow devout FCC goers, and to my surprise, many of them are under the impression that I am no longer a follower of Christ. When asked where they would come to this ridiculous conclusion, all three of them brought up my departure from FCC.

I suppose I might have went slightly overboard. The verbal war with the youth leaders. Blatantly telling off the youth minister in the parking lot. All in front of parents, members, and youth leaders. But I was fed up with their views, new rules, and blatant disrespect for anyone disagreed with them. I had been attending that church for quite some time. I had very personal relationships with the youth minister and other members. I was more than willing to help out. I had been on mission trips and never missed a conference. I loved those people and respected them more than I did some of my own family members. I recruited numerous kids into their youth group. But things changed. I no longer agreed with the direction they were going in. And I felt stifled. I was no longer growing in Christ the way I felt I should. I disagreed with what they were feeding these new comers. All glitz, bright lights, and celebrities.

But just because I disagreed with their views doesn't mean that I turned my back on Christ all together. I tried a few other churches. None ever filled the void. So I started doing my own Bible studies. I discussed the Word with fellow Christians and non Christians. I wanted to hear as many views as possible. I took a few religion classes in college as well. I love coming across new Christian literature that stirs something in me.

I may not dress myself up and make the trip to church every Sunday, but I don't believe that is what sets a person apart as a Christian.

Sure, I make mistakes. I do things I know that I shouldn't. But I love Christ with all I have.

It really saddens me to witness those I love falling away from that.

Fraidy Cat

No one is a bigger scaredy cat than myself when it comes to relationships. But you have to learn to get over that if you ever plan on being happy.




Ohhhh...
sidenote.

I'm looking for a new roommate, I think. Josh is supposed to be moving out next month.

Bleh.

Beer and Scrabble?

Seriously? SERIOUSLY?!

Is that not the greatest date of all time?
How many times have I begged people to play Scrabble?

And then, out of nowhere, some drunken Prince Charming waltzes into Michele's apartment on Halloween, bestows upon her the most passionate, sparks flying, Clark Gable-esque kiss imaginable, AND THEN LATER ASKS HER TO HAVE A BEER AND SCRABBLE DATE.

Immediate chemistry. He's pursuing her like crazy.

Come on. COME ON.



Gahhhhhhh.



And the best part, from the very beginning, she knew it was something that would impress me. So, she invited Adam and I to make it a double date. However, she planned it for tonight. Adam is working and then has plans with his friend Micah. (Oddly enough, the same name of the mystery guy Michele is seeing.)

Which means...
I get to enjoy beer and Scrabble alone with the two kids.




I want spontaneity.


Call me immature.
I don't care. I like fun. I love board games. I get excited over ice cream sundaes. I'm always up for rolling around on the floor playing with the dogs. I like making messes and then kissing them off.

I hate the same thing day after day. Now matter how down I can get, I love life. I hate taking everything so seriously. I want to be caught off guard.

There are so many things to look forward to in the winter. Ice skating, playing in the snow, hot chocolate, decorating Christmas trees, sledding, stringing popcorn, carmel apples, peppermint sticks, snowball fights, snowmen, and best of all, curling up with someone special at the end of the day and sharing each other's warmth. Winter is a time for the young at heart. And that I can do.


I swear, I'm not overly needy.
I just need to know that I'm cared for.

And me wrapping my arms around someone and nestling my face in his neck while showering him with cute little kisses ever now and again for a complete five minutes ONLY FOR HIM TO TAKE ABSOLUTELY NO NOTICE OF ME is not showing me that. He didn't even acknowledge my presence. Really? REALLY?

I understand that people work. People get tired. But I should NEVER have to question if the person I'm dating actually likes me.

Sometimes I feel like when he's looking at me, he's not even seeing me.

And this is all a lot that should be discussed with him. But it's nearly impossible. He never seems to want to talk about anything serious with me.

Maybe I just read too far into things. It wouldn't be the first time a girl was overly emotional.

He does say some really sweet things at times. And he calls me cutesy pet names, and he told me the other night that we needed to go away and do something together. He suggested seeing my family. That makes me think that I might just be reading into things too much. And hopefully that is the case.


But for now, I'm off to shower, eat, and head over to Michele's.


Holler.

Sometimes

I just don't know.




I'm not a fucking mind reader.

Yes

It's amazing how safe another person can make you feel.

Breakfast

I love actually going out and doing things. Especially after 7 hours of laundry the night before. Mmhmm!

I'm starting to think that cheesecake stuffed french toast was a bad choice. I can't handle a lot of sweetness in the morning. I have more than enough in my coffee. But french toast, waffles, and pancakes always get me excited. It cannot be helped.


I find myself in a pretty good spot right now. I've had my doubts. But can anyone blame me for wanting to be cautious? I don't possess the greatest of track records, after all.

We started off being really affectionate and close very early on. It's not often that people are that comfortable around each other from the get go. But, I've been told many of times that I have a knack for making people feel that way around me. I guess I'm just really chill, right? Haha. Bleh. I suppose it just goes back to the whole "love being in love" feelings I have. If I connect with someone and feel that I want to really give them a chance, I just tend to let things happen without guarding myself. I suppose that could end very badly. And it has more than once. But sometimes, seldom really, someone really makes a mark. And I can tell pretty early on that they are going to impact me in a positive way. Does that mean marriage and kids down the road? Not necessarily. But I believe every person one encounters is meant to make an impact. Relationships, no matter the length, help one learn about themselves and will eventually benefit him/her in one way or another.

Even relationships that go horribly wrong. As much as it can hurt, as horrible as you may feel, surely it was worth it if you truly cared for the other person. At the end of my life, I want to be able to look back on good memories. There will be no point focusing in on the bad at 80 years old, now is there? No, you block that out. You remember the walks, the conversations, the heart to hearts, the sharing your life with others. This holds true with all relationships, be them romantic or platonic friendships.

I have had more experience with relationships than I probably should have at the age of 20. It's no secret that I moved out at 17 to live with a boy. We were engaged a month shy of my 18th birthday. HA. Engaged? Can you believe it? Sometimes, I can't even believe it, and I lived it. And I was never one of those stupid, "we've been dating for a month and I already love him," sort of girls. I'm still not. Which is why I hate discussing the topic with people. They automatically assume that I'm extremely immature and don't have the ability to think things through. I promise you, this is not the case. I've never taken back saying I love you to anyone. I hold a great deal of compassion and if I love you, you'll know. I'll make sure of it. I'm so sick of people censoring their feelings because they don't want to seem fickle. People don't want to say "I love you" for the mere fact that most believe it loses its meaning if it's thrown around. How is that? If you love someone, you don't hide that! Who cares what anyone else thinks? I read a study awhile back and within it I found some statistics on "love." It went on to say that the average person falls in love an average of three times in high school alone. Now, I'm sure you're thinking, that's useless information. What do kids know about love?

You don't have to feel strongly enough to want to marry the person you are with to love them. Think about it this way. Your friends, you love them, right? You care about them more than anything, right? They always come first, right? (After God, family, yadda, yadda...) Your significant other should be one of your best friends, if not best after spending enough time with him/her. You may never fall 'in love' with them. But how can you continue dating someone that you do not love? You can't! Unless you're heartless, or just don't care. It's something that develops as you spend more and more time with someone of interest.

I'm not trying to say that I am already to this point. I really care about my someone as of now. But again, I'm really not one to jump the gun. If I feel it, it'll be known. If it lasts to that level, wonderful. There's nothing greater than sharing that with someone.

I never enter into an official relationship unless I am convinced that there is something worth working toward. If I don't feel a connection early on, scrap it. But I also have to have some assurance that the other partner is serious. It's pointless to enter a relationship if you only expect it to last for a few weeks or a couple of months. It's something I refuse to do. Why waste your time on something casual when there is potential for so much more out there?

You told me you wanted to be the one to woo me.
You said you wanted to be the one to sweep me off my feet.
These were your words. Don't forget that.
You have that opportunity.

For some reason, I feel that you are a very trustworthy person. And you have the ability to make me feel safe. I cannot seem to be able to stay frustrated by you for very long. You were a gentleman towards me from the very get go and I believe it is something you truly strive for.


I love being around him. I love his adorable Molly Mei and June Bug(who snores just like him). I love listening to him sing to me. I love his smile. I love kissing his face all over. I love being close to him. I love that he actually wants to spend time with me. I love spending every night in his arms. And one of the greatest things of all, I love how he makes me feel. If that were missing, what would be the point? You should always find a way to uplift others. Though we tend to lose sight of that at times, there is no excuse for it in a relationship. You shouldn't even have to say anything. People should know how you feel by your actions alone.

Some people tell me I expect too much out of people. I disagree. I know what I want out of a relationship. I'm picky because I need to be. Why settle for being content when you could be happy?

I tend to have a lot going on with me at times, but he does make me happy. Yes, YOU SIR, make me happy. And that's enough for me to think it's worth it.


Getting over the past can be difficult. But let the record show, Justin doesn't phase me. It's done and over with. It was done and over with long before it even ended. So never let it bother you. And if it does, don't hesitate to talk to me about it. I'm an open book. Anything you want to know or discuss, just ask.




Mmmm...I've been listening to a lot of Neva Dinova.
Totally off topic. But deal.
I loveee it.


Anywho, I'm feeling really full and sleepy. I'm going to nap for a bit and then continue on with my day.


love.love.

I Wanna

kiss your face all ova!

Love

I loveeee Molly Mei and June Bug.
They are adorable and fun-loving.
They really boost my mood.

Not to mention, their owner isn't half bad either :)





If I can just get through this month, I'll be great. Better than great. Wonderful. And I cannot wait. I'm trying to be optimistic. I don't want to be content with life. I want to be HAPPY. And I'm making some great leaps forward the past couple of days. I just have to keep my morale up. So, help me to. Thanks :)

Mmhmm!

I miss a boy.



Free Clarke's today.

My baby, Cailey, in a week.



Obama rally. Woo.




AND, I was rehired full time at Bennigan's :)




I love life.
And I'm staying in Chicago.

Ahem

You, sir, are great.

But to no one in particular, Delaware sucks.
Jus' sayin'.




Jeenah rules.



Nick makes good french toast.




CHEESE AND CRACKER.
(always a happy thought)





Jeenah and Raven photoshoot soon. Nick behind camera. Maybe artistic nudity.



We love eachother.


Friends make me happy.



Stupid people from Long Island should learn to call back.



AND, I still need a puppy.



love, love, LOVE.


-moi<333

Dark

Maybe if I could motivate myself to not sleep all the time, I wouldn't get so down. Getting up as it's getting dark is no fun.

I'm going to take these adorable girls out again and then head home. Food would be nice. Then a trip to see Jeenah. I really don't feel like the trek all the way over there. But I can't sit around alone all the time.

Yesterday, I finally saw Jelani again. Bleh, I miss Bennigan's. Only the greatest coworkers of all time. It makes me miss the summer even more. Ugh, the cold hasn't even gotten bad yet. And I'm already in a seasonal depression. Get me outta here.

.

Empty.

What is my Deal?

And so it begins again.
I'm stuck in another rut.

I don't understand how one day I can be completely happy and the next I lose all interest in everything. I'm not unhappy. I just don't care. It comes and goes. I can't seem to find any real reason for it.

I guess it just goes back to me never being satisfied...at least not for long. I lose interest far too quickly. It just takes me a little time to find all of the bad in something new, and it loses all it's previous splendor. That's my problem with Chicago among numerous other things.

I put on this front that I'm fine. I appear to brush things off without a care in the world.

This couldn't be farther from the truth.

I am self conscious.
I am jealous mess.
I am never good enough.
I am a push over.
I am constantly comparing myself to others.
I am lost.



Surprised?
I am usually bursting with self confidence.
So much so that it often times pisses people off. They think I'm far too into myself.

But in all actuality, it's more of a ploy to convince people that I like myself. That I like who I am. People are naturally drawn to others who are full of confidence. And if I can make people believe that I like who I am, they'll naturally like me and want to be around me.



Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself. I do have some good qualities. I am extremely loyal. I can be very trustworthy. I am full of compassion. I have an endless amount of dreams and ambitions. I have a great capacity to love.

But that hasn't kept me safe. I've still been abused and discarded. At one point, I really believed I was wonderful. People have just shown me that they beg to differ.

It's a part of growing up, right? The world isn't full of rainbows and sunshine. Leaving home and being on your own isn't easy. And it only gets increasingly harder.

I desire stability and certainty.
I want to care and be cared for.


My gramma would tell me I need to go back to church.