A Day Late

January 25

It’s not so easy caving in. But I find myself doing it more often these days. It should be easy to just let it go. When one is done so horridly wrong, it’s only more reason to get over it. I suppose it will help in the big picture. At least this way I will not be putting myself back into a situation where I’m being treated as though I am nothing. I can think back to the situation as a continual reminder of what I do not want. Of what I will never let someone do to me again.

I do not want to be that girl that cannot be alone. I know that I can do without a significant other in my life. I have proved this to myself during my time in Chicago. However, I will not go on to lie and say that I am happy on my own. This is just not the case. I have always functioned best as a part of a whole. I cope with life and stress best when I am able to share every shred of my being with another. I had almost given up on this idea in this bitter city until he came along. I did not expect much out of him. It was he who tried to win me over with talk of sweeping me off of my feet and working toward a loving, devoted relationship. Thinking back to the beginning of our time together is a little difficult still. It is incredibly hard for me to understand how someone can change so much in such a short amount of time.

I kept telling people as things worsened that he was not really like that. I explained that he just had a lot going on with him, but that I knew what he was really like. A compassionate, dedicated individual with so much to offer the people that he cares about. He spoke so much about being a gentleman and how he strived to be a great man. But in retrospect, I do not believe that he is anything close to that. And when he seemed to be, it was all a show. I honestly feel that he has to make himself come off as a good guy. And he does this when he thinks he wants something. I do not know if I have ever met someone so fake. Yes, FAKE. I think he can be great. But only when he wants to be and around whom he wants. It is as though he has to put on this show to prove to people that he is worthy of their time and friendship. Seriously, how many times did I meet any of his friends?

I honestly feel as though he just realized that I did not measure up to what he wanted me to be to enable him to appear to be the type of person he wanted others to think he was. Either I was not trendy enough. Or hip. Or attractive enough. Maybe I was not interested enough in being fake to please others. He told me himself that I was extremely kind hearted. Really, what else must I do to make someone else happy? Why can I not just care for someone and have that be enough for them? He said he did not think he was good enough for me. That was a constant excuse. So what can he say about the new girl? That she deserves less? Surely not. Therefore, he was just making excuses for me.

Whatever happened to being an honest person? Why could he not just tell me I was the one that was not good enough for him? I apparently did not deserve any sort of closure at all. Even bad closure would have been better than none at all. I deserved an apology and a goodbye if nothing else. This just further proves that he cared nothing for me. And he does not even care to have me as a friend now.

I am blown away by this entire situation. Never have I been so disrespected. Never have I met someone this cold and heartless. Never have I known someone so incredibly inconsiderate. A gentleman? I actually laugh at that. It amazes me to the point of almost being humorous.

I cared far too much for someone who cared nothing for me. And I cling to memories for far too long. One of my biggest issues is remembering good days. There’s his name written on my refrigerator. Lesa finally marked over it on my old bedroom door. I went to look out my window and there is the lighter and tissue he left on my window sill. I am cleaning off my table and there’s the little baggie he left. I go to put away my clothes in my closet and there’s the piece of leash he cut off after June Bug chewed through it during her stay with me. I do not sleep in my room by myself anymore. Too much. Oh but here’s the couch we held hands on the first night we met. Where are my black shoes and movies? Ahh…left them at his old apartment. Speaking of things left at his apartment…I bet he’s using them on her. Using them on her? Oh, and pleasing her with something else of mine. Friends want to go eat at Handlebar. HA. Seriously? So we went when I knew he was at work. It is all really quite ridiculous. And I am well aware of this. But for some reason I will not get rid of any of it. I am not to that point yet. I just feel so incomplete without some sort of closure. It really is painful for me. But I did not open up and tell him everything I felt for him. And that is for the best now. He does not deserve it. I am still rather new to the idea of being completely discarded by someone that I thought cared for me. But that happens to everyone I suppose. However, I never had to deal with it until I moved to Chicago. I will never be able to get used to that.

He cuts off all contact with me and I find out he has a new girlfriend…ON FACEBOOK. Oh, but I thought he was in no condition to be a part of a relationship and needed to work on himself. Ahhh…code for, “I am making excuses because I just do not want to be with you.” And he did not even have the decency to tell me. You were right, Adam Patrick Reiman. You are not good enough for me or anyone else for that matter. You are not a good person. You are selfish and inconsiderate. You are heartless and fake. You are a liar. And above all else, you are NOT a GENTLEMAN.

One thing I can walk away with is the realization that I need to do some serious work on myself. I cannot allow people to walk all over me. What does it say about how I view myself? I have had a problem with people mistakenly thinking that I am extremely conceited when in all actuality, I possess an amazing amount of self confidence. However, I have let people rip me apart in Chicago. I have actually let people make me feel insufficient and unworthy. Really? Me? This is so far out of my character.

I am a wonderful person. I am kind hearted, compassionate, hard working, giving, dedicated, easy going, committed, loyal, a great listener, understanding, forgiving, trustworthy, and I possess such an ability to love.

Anyone would be lucky to have me. And that is the honest truth. I have let people make me lose sight of this. But I am done with that. I am done settling for less than I deserve and letting people walk all over me.