Plans

So now I have a plan and a back up plan. Both result in great things.

I cannot even begin to explain how much better I feel. Everything is going to come together, finally. I'll be able to buy a car outright in about three months. Then I'm saving for a few more and heading back to Colorado. I cannot wait. I know that I hate being where I am right now, but I work so much that it doesn't really matter. I don't have time to think about not liking it here.



Oh, and I love Laiah DeAnne.
The end.

Productive

I'm in a much better mood tonight. I've been calculating how much money I've made so far. It's nice to finally have a job that pays fairly. It also helps that the only bills I really have are for school. I'm finally able to see myself being able to really save up. It's a good feeling. I always had to work my ass off in Chicago to make just more than enough.

I work almost every day which is nice. I feel like I'm actually doing something worthwhile. I was so down all the time when I felt unproductive. It drove me insane. I'd much rather have too much to do than not enough. I like to keep busy. It keeps my mind off of things as well.

I'm thinking about Laiah every day. I'm definitely not looking to date anyone else. I want to see it work out, I really do. But I can't force her into it. She already told me she doesn't think we should get back together. If that's really the case, I'm still not interested in dating anyone else. You don't get over someone that means that much to you just like that. As long as she holds my heart, no one else has a chance.

Cut Off

I feel extremely disconnected from everyone and everything as of late. I'm not sure how I feel about it. It doesn't feel crazy terrible. However, it's pretty lonely. I think I'm beginning to fall into a routine though. That will make things easier, I suppose. No time to dwell on what's not there. Work, save money, and schoolwork.

But then what? What am I saving and preparing for? It's hard having a set plan for so long, and then waking up one day to find that it's gone. It's an odd feeling. I know what I want to do. But it's hard to throw yourself out there when the person you desire to please doesn't even want to be with you. It's extremely disheartening.


I just need to know that I'm working toward something. If not, what's the point?

Ahhhhh

So much to have done today.

I'm almost done with all the school work. An iMovie project, 3 discussion posts with responses, a quiz, some reading material, a couple of videos, and tonight I'm going to finish up my talk show interview on discrimination and diversity. Unfortunately, I have to go back in to work the other half of my double here in a bit. Blehhh. Thankfully, after tonight, I'll be all caught up. But, I work every day through next Wednesday except this Thursday. Yep, three on, one off, 6 on. Jeeze. Well, I need the money. I can't complain. It also makes time go by faster.

Why am I trying to make time go by faster still? I suppose I'm not the type to give up all hope for something I desire so greatly until I'm slapped in the face.

Better

Today, I'm doing alright.

I work tonight. Then I have two huge projects that I have to get done afterward. I picked up 3 extra shifts this weekend, and now I have no time for school work. I'll be up all night. Then I'm working a double tomorrow. I have to have it all done and ready to turn in before 11 tomorrow morning. Gross.

On the upside, I made almost $80 before tipping out for a five hour shift last night. I don't think that's too shabby. I'm estimating about $600 a pay cycle. At that rate, I'll have more than enough to move in a month's time. I already have a job in Chicago whenever I head back, so I'll have a steady income immediately after the move as well. If that doesn't work out, I'll have enough to get a decent car and head back to Colorado in three months-ish.

I'm trying to just work on the positives right now. I don't have time to be so down all the time. Working 6 shifts a week on top of classes shouldn't leave me much time for anything else. I'm alright with that. Less time to worry. Less time to let life bog me down.

Break Ups

Apparently, I am unaware of the rules.


By allowing myself to be broken up with, I threw her away? I believe I tried refusing to accept it. Then she said to say bye. "That's what people do when they break up, right? They say goodbye."

There's nothing cruel and heartless in that, is there? No, I should feel bad for letting her do it. Really, what was I thinking?

I have my flaws. But I love her more than she knows. And she always came first. Unfortunately, she couldn't do the same for me.

Her

Tuesday

And it's already shaping up to be a rough start to the week. I don't even have the energy to go into most of it.

Even though I've done nothing wrong though, I feel bad. My sister has no place in my life right now. It's so incredibly sad to say that. But I'm just not going to lose someone that is so important to me over her. I won't let that happen. So as of now, I'm done with her.

I don't mean to overreact. I'm just really good at picking up on signals and reading into things that people say and how they say them. So, yes, I found it necessary to point out that she had a girlfriend to that girl, because I knew what the girl was getting at. Ohhhhhh, and look who proved me right. Stupid girls. They're so predictable. It doesn't help that I'm extremely confrontational. I suppose it's best that I'm stuck here then for the time being.


Ohhh, one bit of excitement, Kevin and I had a sweet sleepover last night and an awesome photo shoot today. Ahhhh, I love Kevin Dodson! He is one of the very few people that keep me sane. I wish I could take him with me everywhere.

Not all Here

I've had an odd weekend. It was wonderful. But I feel that something is so terribly wrong.

There was a storm on Thursday night that knocked the power out until the next afternoon. I ended up staying with my cousin and her roommate for the next two nights with some friends and more cousins. Josh was up visiting from New Mexico. Jeezeee. I hadn't seen him in years. Apparently, he might be coming back to stay for awhile next month. If not, he'll be back to stay in October. Not that I plan on being here by then, but it's still closer to Chicago than New Mexico is.

Things seem as though they should be looking up. I'm working now. I'm taking classes. I've been getting out of the house more. However, I feel more unsettled that I did before.

Could it be her talking to her ex? Yeah, the one she claims to not talk to anymore. Could it be that I feel she has a tendency to be slightly inconsiderate as of late? Could it be that when asked if she has a boyfriend she replies with a statement that she's gay, not that she has a girlfriend? Or is it just the fact that I miss her so much and now won't be able to see her this week like we had planned? Honestly, I'm not really sure. It seems when things don't work out as planned, I start to notice and point out anything and everything that seems a little out of place.

Am I just freaking out because I'm soon going to be back in Chicago and will find out if it's going to make or break this relationship? I tend to over think things when I get attached. I get really nervous and start picking at every little flaw. It's not fair to her or myself. But I think I'm just one of those people that needs reassurance. Maybe she's just not the type to give that. When everything starts to go right, I cannot help but think of every little thing that could possibly jeopardize it all.


Once again, I'm a mess and don't have anyone that I can really talk to without feeling guilty.

Everything just feels so wrong.

Irritable much?

Is there a day that goes by anymore where I don't cry? Seriously, I prided myself on not being one of those outwardly gross, emotional girls for so long. I suppose I just have so much building up daily now. I cannot seem to keep it from spilling over anymore.

My moods are being seriously affected. I'm extremely irritable. And even the smallest letdown is magnified into something of great magnitude.

I don't mean to be pushy. Maybe it's due to the fact I was forced to grow up so fast. I almost seem to expect everyone else to be on the same level as me. But they're not always going to be. Mom's can be a very touchy subject, apparently. I have a very unconventional relationship with my mother. But I honestly think she has more respect for me and treats me as more of an adult than some of these so called mothers of the year. Why? Because I made her consider me a fellow adult. No parent that cares does this on their own. You have to prove that you are an adult and stand your ground.


Ughhhh. I was just having such a shitty night. And it wasn't alright to just leave me hanging so abruptly. It really bothers me. I am just so sick of being here alone. There may be a dozen people here at all times, but I'm always by myself. It's extremely depressing. It rids me of any desire to do anything. I just don't care. Nothing is getting better. I'm never happy aside from talking to Laiah and a select few that I rarely even get to see.


blah blah blah
go cry some more

Overwhelmed

My surrounding environment is really starting to take a serious toll on me. I know that a lot of people say they hate visiting where they grew up because it's old news. Everyone is ready for change and escaping the stagnant past they left behind. But when I say that I hate being here, my reasons are of a much more serious nature.

I cannot bear to observe the debilitated state that my parents' lives are in. Even more unbearable is the resulting lives my sisters are now forced to lead. It's heartbreaking. And of course, I blame myself to an extent. I was thrown into the position on raising them for an extended period of time, but as soon as I was able to flee the situation, I did. I just left them there. Who would do such a thing?

It's hard for me to imagine coming from this family. They're crude, criticizing, addictive, close-minded, and unintelligent for the most part. I've been told that I'm the white sheep of the family. The only one that strove to better myself and my future despite the conditions I was raised in. But I still care. I care far too much to continually put myself in this position. I cannot be around them for long. I feel too horrid for them. And I can't help it. It sickens me. It's incredibly depressing and I can't handle it. Each day it just gets worse for me.

I desperately need someone to talk to. Whether or not I feel like divulging all the thoughts running through my mind and weighing me down, it'd still be wonderful to have some to distract me from my current surroundings. But that person doesn't seem to exist. Everyone has their own problems to deal with. They have jobs and classes. They have social lives of their own to attend to.

So once again, I find myself taking on the world on my own. Alone. I suppose it's nothing new. That's how it's been the majority of my life. Most of the time I'm stuck in my head. It's the only release that never seems to let me down. But I often times find myself lost there. I think that's better than giving into the chaos that surrounds me.

And I'm tired of being all alone

and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home.


I have come to a realization as well. I am in love with you<3



I have a lot going on right now. I'm extremely stressed out and sick of my surroundings. The environment is depressing and it's taking a lot out of me. But I know that if I can just suck it up a little bit longer, everything will work itself out, and I will be able to work toward building up something that is already so wonderful into something greater than I could have ever imagined.

Honestly, I am the happiest that I've been in quite some time. Miserable being away from her, but it's only temporary. I cannot even imagine what it will be like to see her whenever I want. To be able to fall asleep with her regularly. To start a new chapter in my life with someone that genuinely cares about me. Someone that loves me wholeheartedly. This girl that would never do anything to hurt me. I'd almost forgotten what that all feels like. It's about time I found it again. And I'm happy that I found it in her.



She is where I want to be.

The Future is Unclear

but I hope that it'll be fine.


I almost forgot how much I love First Aid Kit. Mmmm...


Jeeze...there is just never enough time. I suppose I won't ever be satisfied until I make it back up there. So until then, I'll just have to suck it up. But I'm not liking it one bit. I haven't felt this lonely in quite some time. At first it was nice being around family again. After last night though, I think I'm set for awhile. I'm not too happy with cutting them slack only to be disappointed again and again. It sickens me. I almost up and left. Then I realized it would only me a larger setback in my plan to get out of here.

I'm also in a bit of a rut again. I don't really have the desire to do anything. I'm fine with just living comfortably where I want to. School, career, any long term plans just have no pull on me at the moment. I'm taking classes anyway. But it's all just pretty blahhh to me right now.


I'm tired but there's only about a dozen people here. I suppose I'll just wait around until half of them leave so that I can sleep sometime tonight. I really have to remind myself to never put myself back in this situation again. It only makes me hate coming home even more. Ha. Home? This isn't home. I don't have a home.

Back at it

Work today.
Hours more in reading assignments.


I suppose it's better than sitting around with nothing to do.

Liar, Liar

pants on fire.





Bright side?
I won't be there to say I told you so.

Loneliness

I think I've found my problem.


I have very few friends here. And the ones that I do have lives as well. Work and other friends.

Audra is still my best friend but she moved away closer to school. Jeenah moved back to Wisconsin. And the rest are in Chicago. Kevin is the only one I hang out with here really. I think Mark has been spending all his time at work. The rest live in surrounding towns that I don't get to very often.

It'd just be nice to have someone to talk to often. I think I'm desperately in need of a new best friend. Someone close. Someone that has time to waste listening to my rants. Someone that needs me to listen to their problems just as much.

I've been keeping to myself for the most part lately. I love my family, but I can't take them for very long. I seclude myself the best I can. I've been doing a lot of reading lately. I enjoy it, but I don't want to become a recluse again. I'm just happiest around people.


I'm tired of being alone.

Strangle People

Everything is irritating me right now. I'm not sure what my deal is. I suppose it's just one of those days.

I feel upset...but I'm not. At least, I don't have any real reason to be. I'm just being moody again. Make it stop. Thanks.



Upside, things are really starting to look up. I'm just trying to hold out until I can move out of this area again. It's far too stagnant. I hate it.



blah blah blah.
Make me smile right now.

Homophobia

I came across this in an online UK news article.


As The Sunday Telegraph disclosed, the Bishop of Rochester, Dr Michael Nazir-Ali, called on homosexuals to repent. He said the Church of England must stick to the Biblical teaching that marriage should only be between a man and a woman.

“We want to hold on to the traditional teaching of the Church. We don’t want to be rolled over by culture and trends in the Church,” said the bishop, one of the most senior religious figures in England.

In response, Peter Tatchell, the veteran gay rights campaigner, said last night: “Homophobia is a social and moral evil, just like racism. Bigotry, even in the guise of religion, has no place in a compassionate, caring society."

“I call on the Bishop to repent his homophobia. His prejudice goes against Christ’s gospel of love and compassion.”


I like the last lines.


Anywho, the full article was over the Queen angering gay campaigners. You can read it HERE.

Moody

Jeeze, I can be such a jerk.



But I know when I'm out of line and am able to admit it. I'm just unhappy with where I am for the time being. And I want nothing more than to be there with you. Like I said, of course I'm going to be jealous of anyone and everyone that is able to see you :) It just makes it loads worse to know that I am the one that chose to leave in the first place. And even though I made the decision over someone else, I still didn't choose to stay with her. I keep telling myself that I still chose to leave in order to give us a chance. And she is well aware of why. It makes sense, especially if you know my character.

I guess I never expected it to go this far. I didn't really envision anything becoming serious. I was at a very low point and was convinced that the only reason people acted as though they were interested in me is because they had ulterior motives. They always wanted something out of me and I was never given anything in return. She is different though. She is genuine and sincere. She truly cares about me and wants to see where this will take us both. It caught me at just the right time. I needed this. I needed her.

We've had our issues. One of two have honestly been major. But the rest of them were blown up far worse than they ever should have been. And like I said before, there have been very few reasons for either of us to hold anything harsh against each other. I think that the distance really plays a part in all of this. It's irritating and frustrating. It evokes jealous feelings almost by default. At times it causes you to play out these elaborate story lines in your head when you don't know what's going on with the other person. You take things to heart too easily. It can really be a mess.

We're working on all of this though. And before too long I will be back. I honestly feel that everything will continue to get better at a rapid rate after that. There are just too many things we're missing out on. Laiah is upset because she feels that we should be best friends but we just haven't really had the time to grow to that level. We used to talk for hours every day and night any time she had a break. Realistically, that couldn't continue for the entirety of my time away. You cannot waste every day away on the phone. We both need to have a real life as well. Once I am back, that is the first thing I plan to work on. I am extremely close to her, but I want to make her my best friend as well. There's not much room for progression in a relationship if you are unable to make your significant other your other half.

I know that we tend to go back and forth between casually dating and being extremely serious. She scares easily. I am aware she doesn't have a whole lot of experience in real relationships, but I am willing to help her along the way and back off when she needs me to...even if she's the one that initiates all the lovey dovey talks of us and makes me follow her lead. Haha. I am perfectly fine with where we are and living in the now as long as I have her word that she wants it to continually grow. No one wants to wake up one day, roll over, and hear, "well that was fun for a bit." lolz.



I'm sleepy. Off to nap some more. But wedding with Kevin today. Woo!!!!!!

Clarity

Apparently, I tend to confuse people with my blogging.

To clarify what I was speaking of in my last post....


I knew that I was not ready to move on without Laiah. Yes, I could survive without her. Yes, I could move on if given enough time to do so. But why do such a thing when I could be so incredibly happy with her right now? We have our issues, yes. But as angry and upset as I get at times, I am the first one to admit that this is one of the best relationships that I have ever been in. She doesn't cheat on me. I trust her. I am convinced that she cares deeply for me.

So, we argue at times. No, we don't always get along. We don't always see eye to eye. Sometimes we drive each other up the wall. But that's what we do. That's us. And it doesn't mean that we care any less for each other. We take things out on each other. No, not always fair, but we are aware of this. It can be hurtful and irritating, but we know that it is brought about by something else that is bothering us. And if we can be understanding of each other's feelings, that's all that matters.

We may be a little unconventional...okay, a lot a bit. But I'm alright with that. I love her and she loves me. And that's all that I have time to worry about right now. I have far too much else going on right now to let myself be bothered by the opinions of people that have only heard our one-sided rants.