Confuzzled

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Why do I always have to feel bad?
Why am I always pulled in so many directions at once?
Why do I always find a way to complicate things more?



I'm done. I know what I've decided to do. It was extremely difficult, but it's done. Now I have the task of putting the pieces together and getting on with it. So much more easily said than done. Blehhh.




Upside, Chicago tonight.
Pride tomorrow.
Mmmmm.

Back and Forth

I'm still having a lot of trouble figuring out where to go from here.

Today was nothing short of wonderful. I spend all day with Kevin Dodson. Mmm, mmm! I couldn't have asked for a greater best friend. I love that boy like none other. I actually had an amazing day. I introduced him to Meiko. He loved her, of course. Then we sat down and just spent some time painting. It was a great release. Even if I suck and lack any sort of technique, it was really good for me. I let go of some things and my heart wasn't as heavy after. His mom brought us food and then we watched two hours of So You Think You Can Dance. It was awesomeeee! Then Kevin showed me some choreography he put together to a Lady Gaga song, haha. After, he just continued to randomly start piroetting around the room during long silences. He played me some more of his songs he's written. His newest made me cry all four times he played it for me. Gah, I'm such a baby. But it was so good. And it totally fit how I was feeling at the time. After, we went out to the reservior and met up with some other cool kids. Becky and April...mmm! Becky and Kevin serenaded us for the rest of the night. The weather, the water, and the music...It was perfect.

It was nice to have a really great day. It doesn't happen nearly enough. I need more kids like them in my life.


So, how do I feel now? It all still kills me. And I don't like it one bit. But I'm alright. I honestly feel that everything will fall into place and work itself out.

Part Two

I have the tendency to go from being completely crushed and down one moment, to being in a rage the next. I'm told that's how I deal with being hurt. I hide the hurt with anger. I'm beginning to notice just how often this happens.


She admits it is her fault. She drove me to break up with her just like I thought she was doing. Even if she wasn't doing it intentionally.


Honestly, I just don't think she knows what she wants. And it is just tearing me apart.

And in the midst of my anger, anything and everything that she's ever done that bothered me but I never said anything about has come to the surface.

Despite the fact that I considered moving back to Colorado to make things easier, I've decided to stick to my plan of heading back to Chicago. Why? I don't know really. I just feel something tugging at me to do so. Hopefully, something good will come out of it. I could use some good right about now.


And now the anger is subsiding and I'm back to blubbering like a baby. And I should have expected it. I'm so incredibly stupid.

Build Me Up

only to make me come crashing down.



I'm at such a loss. Things tend to go so horribly wrong far too quickly. You don't even know what's happening until everything is all said and done. I'm not alright with it.

To be lied to over something so important is hurtful. It would have taken no more than a few minutes to just let it out and go from there. But now look where we are.

...where I am.

Indifferent

I don't care.
I really don't.


Okay, I do deep down.
But ehhhh.



Mark Crippen tomorrow.
Hells yes.

Half Truths

ARE just as bad as LIES.

I always find out.
Even if its weeks or months later.
I always do.


Count on it.

And then don't blame me when I'm all wound up and would rather strangle you than look you in the face and pretend that everything is just peachy.



dslkjflaksjdflaj!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yes

I'm worth giving a damn.


This mini vaca to Chicago is much needed.
I have to get out of this area for good....
NOW.




Oh hey, I'm so over you...
Each and every one of you who clearly aren't worth my time.
Leave me alone.
Thanks.

Whaaaaaaa

I feel weird.
Sort of uneasy.
Why?
Don't ask.
I'm not even sure myself.


I'm heading to Chicago tomorrow.
Spending a few days with Laiah.
Maybe see Justin.
He'll probably blow me off and be an a-hole.
Go figure.


Stressed out like none other.
Barf.
Yes, please.

Girls, Girls, Girls

I spent the whole day with Audra. It was much needed. I miss that girl like none other. I need to make more of an effort to see her when I'm back in Chicago. She's only 2 hours south.

We always pick up right where we left off when we see each other. We never seem to skip a beat. It's right back to the same old topics of conversation and hang out spots. We went to Chico's today. It was incredibly weird. I haven't been in there since the last time Justin and I met up with Zakkie-D for that horror movie night shortly after I graduated.

Speaking of best friends whom I hardly ever talk to anymore, I still haven't heard from Barak since he flaked on me the last time I was here. Almost every person I ran into today asked me if I'd talked to him recently. We were best friends. I suppose it only makes sense that people would assume we'd kept in touch...but I refuse to give in this time. He tore me apart. And I'm not going to continue to sit around and pretend that we're friends. We're not. And it still hurts.

I saw Luke for a bit today. He wants to hang out since I'll be here for a month ish. I suppose I should take him up on the offer. I mean, who else do I really care to see here? Audra is going back to Bloomington tomorrow morning. Jeeze. I hateeeee this place.

Kyle Andy Temme called me out of nowhere tonight while we were all sitting around at Denny's. Before I even answered the phone, I squealed and showed the phone to Audra. It was completely unexpected and we had just been talking about him earlier during the day. He's still that same boy from way back when. Blehhhh. It's been so long. He asked me to come visit him awhile back. Audra doesn't seem to think it's a good idea. And now I can't just jump into decisions like that on my own. It'd definitely have to be discussed.


I'm exhausted, but I think I'll be up for quite some time tonight. I'm seeing Laiah tomorrow night. I really cannot wait. I'm always crazy excited to see her. I just can't wait until she'll be around all the time. It's about time we get rid of the distance. I think it'll change the relationship a ton. And hopefully for the better.

Sweaty

Jeezeeee. This is why I hate summer. I had almost forgotten after dealing with that never ending winter in Chicago. I hate the sticky feeling. Not to mention, I sweat like a man. No, not a guy. A MAN. A gross, burly man.

Anywho, I'm reading a new book. Secrets in the Cellar. My mom suggested it. I've always been fascinated by book that center around substance, child, or sexual abuse. Is that creepy? I just like being able to feel a connection when I read a book. And those types of books just tend to be extremely emotional and moving. This one centers around child and sexual abuse but it's also a true crime book. I'm intrigued by books of unthinkable acts. It's just hard to believe that there are people like that out in the world. It blows my mind.


Anywho, I'm in southern Illinois visiting family. I'm thinking about staying here for a month or so and then just heading back to Chicago from here. Laiah and I have decided to move in together. We want to have seperate rooms though. Neither one of us are ready for sharing everything quite yet. I don't want to add too much pressure to the relationship yet.

Oh, I start a program through Full Sail University on July 9. Wooo. That's exciting. And I can't wait for my new Macbook Pro to come in the mail. YESSSSSSS.

But now I'm off to make ma mere play some Rockband with me. Hahaha.