The Little Things

I'm going to be alright in Chicago. I could leave, but I'd feel as though I was giving up on my mission to break away from my family and friends of the past. I don't want to rid myself of them completely, but I feel that I need to take care of myself. I've been doing it mentally and emotionally since I was still in middle school. So now that I am capable of supporting myself financially, I don't want to take any steps backward.

We all need support from family and friends. But I have a lot of pent up bitterness that I haven't found a release for quite yet. And it makes it easier to deal with people of the past in small doses. While I spend a lot less time around my family, I really feel that I've grown a lot closer. I talk to my mother nearly every day. However, I've never once tried to discuss issues from the past. It's just not something I am capable of attempting at the moment. I have a hard enough time trying to talk about current issues let alone dig up a history full of angst and bitterness.

I want to stay in Chicago because people here care about me and want me to stay. Again, maybe I'm needy. But I need to know that people truly want me around. Sure, people can visit me no matter where I take off to. But it's just not the same. I've been here for almost a year now, and I long to develop deep relationships with people that are longstanding. I feel that I've been let down by many that I held close. But it's a two way street. I have to continue to make an effort to ensure that these friendships and relationships are given the time and work that they need and deserve.

It's the little things in life that make it wonderful and worthwhile. In retrospect, it's the little things that can break one's spirit. Even the smallest of gestures can ruin my entire day. People need to be aware of others' feelings. I'm guilty of slacking in this department as well. But every friendship and relationship is a learning process. As time passes, I learn more and more about the people that I surround myself with. I'm becoming aware of their likes and their dislikes. What makes them smile and what genuinely hurts their feelings. What double standards are in place for me to work on breaking. And eventually as more time passes, I will have each of these people figured out. At least, that is my goal.

I want to know the people I surround myself with inside out. I desire depth. I need to feel comfortable being completely open with those I care about and I expect the same in return.

Sometimes I take things to heart that I shouldn't, but that's me. As I'm trying to learn about you all, I expect that you are working to know me as well. And as you learn these things about me, be conscious of them and alter the way you approach me. It shows respect and concern for my feelings and well being.

I'm not perfect. I make as many mistakes as anyone else. But when I do something that hurts you or bothers you, I want you to come to me about it without the anger and frustration initially. We can talk through it and if I am in fact at fault, I will apologize. And even if I don't feel I've done anything wrong, I will at least be sure to apologize for the way it affected you and made you feel. That's what people do when they truly care about others.