A Day Late

9:58 last night.


I find myself thinking a lot lately.
Thinking about life.
Thinking about love.
Thinking about nothing at all.

Everyone has their place of solitude.
At home, mine was the reservoir. Preferably at night. I could spend endless hours out there. I was completely at ease.
It’s harder to find that here. The city is huge. It’s loud. It’s bright. And it’s packed. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode. I have so much held inside and no place to clear my head.

The shower.
I have learned to multitask. Kind of neat. Get physically clean while clearing out all the junk going on inside of my head.

Sometimes I know what I’m thinking about. Something that’s been causing me grief or getting to me. I often times start off by trying to find a solution to a problem. Often times though, I find myself completely lost in thought. I don’t even realize it until the water is frigid. I don’t even notice the gradual change in temperature. And then, I can’t remember for the life of me what I was even thinking about in the first place. All I know is that I’m standing stark naked, chilled to the bone, and blasted an hour and a half into the future.

I used to tell claim to be a generally happy person unless something bad happened that caused me a brief moment of unhappiness. It finally hit me a few weeks ago that this no longer holds true. I find that now days I’m generally unhappy unless something good happens that grants me a slight taste of happiness.

For awhile I had a lot to be unhappy about. Horrid things had happened. Many events and circumstances I swore I’d never whisper to anyone. But I did. I told all to one person. The person who made me feel things I’d never felt so strongly before…not to mention as quickly as I did. And of all the people that could, that one person let me down. He didn’t just let me down. He tore me apart. Time and time again. I’m not stupid. I knew better. But I let him do it anyway. Funny things love will do to a person. Scoff if you’d like. But love it was. At least on one side. We haven’t spoken in a couple of weeks. I promised everyone I’d stop talking to him. It was only making it worse for me, right? Only the longer I go without speaking to him, the more I miss him. The more I think about him. The more miserable it makes me. And that only further convinces me that what I felt, what I feel, is real.

I will leave all I have here behind to be with him in a heartbeat.
It’s the honest truth.
But only if he feels the same way.
Which he doesn’t.

Sometimes I wonder if he ever truly did. I will more than likely never know. I’m not even sure that he knows, honestly. That’s a sad thought. He had me. Someone that was always going to be there. Someone that wanted to know everything about him. Someone who didn’t just listen but also genuinely cared.

How pathetic am I? Here it is three months since I was there and I’m babbling on about him again. I stopped to make people think I was over it. More so to convince myself I was over it. But I’m done with all of that. This is how I feel. This is where I write about my thoughts and feelings. And this is what consumes most of my thoughts daily. So there you go. Another dose of my feelings for the one person I want the most. The one person that’s probably the worst for me.

Even beyond that whole mess, I’m not a particularly happy person these days. Why, you ask? I honestly couldn’t tell you. I could go back to a therapist. But I already know what he/she would have to say. They’d blame it on my previously coke and meth addicted parents. My shattered and unstable home life as a kid. Moving in with my fiancé at seventeen years of age. Rape. My run with being homeless in the city.

They’d tell me it runs in my family.
Depression.
Bi polar disorder.
Schizophrenia.
Eating disorders.
They’d tell me I’m lucky I don’t suffer from all of it with all the shit in my life. Then they’d put me on a script like they did before. I was in the eighth grade. What did I have to be unhappy about?? Nothing. So why was I so unhappy? I haven’t thought about in quite some time. My hectic home life? No. I wasn’t particular stoked about it, but it wasn’t something I ever let get to me. I was always such an optimist. But one day I just wasn’t happy anymore. It lasted for quite some time, I suppose. But I don’t recall when it ended. I just one day decided I didn’t want to take the meds. And I was fine again. And here I am again. Completely unhappy. But why? It’s easy to blame it on shitty things that have happened. But they aren’t the cause. I don’t know what’s going on with me anymore.


Justin called me tonight. Justin number one. Justin the ex fiancé that started dating my ex best friend. Justin that I haven’t verbally spoken to in at least six months. I didn’t yell at him. I didn’t tell him he was worthless. I didn’t try to hurt his feelings. We just talked. We even laughed. Jackie did him in. I’d like to say, “Go figure. What’d you expect?” But truth be told, I was almost convinced it was going to work out for them. They both seemed extremely happy from what I could tell. Then again, I wasn’t speaking to either of them, so I don’t really know what all went on down there. But I was almost happy for them. They were two people that I had cared a lot about. Of course I wanted them to be happy deep down no matter what that meant. He said he’d been reading my blog for quite some time and I hadn’t written in awhile. He wanted to know how I’d been.

How am I doing? I suppose I have a lot to be thankful for. I finally have stability in my life again. I have a steady job. I have an apartment with two great roommates. I have loads of friends. I have money to live on. I have money to blow. I have a family that is always here when I need them. I have people that genuinely care about me and how I’m doing.

It’s odd. You spent all that time telling me how horrid my friends are and how they treat me like shit. Take me for granted. Use me. You told me I didn’t deserve that. Think about that, will you? What did YOU do to me? The one person I let my guard down for.

Josh, Matt, and I, the three roomies, went out for a bit today together. Pizza and Reckless Records. It was great. I bought a Pat Benatar record and Pit Er Pat album on vinyl. Ohhhhhhhh, and Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure on DVD. So there are little things that perk me up at times  It’s getting better slowly. I’m working on trying to be more optimistic.

Oh, a plus +
Josh and I went grocery shopping today. We now have eight boxes of cereal.
A minus -
We didn’t get any milk.

PANCAKES.
I’m super stoked about that.

But now Joshua is bored and forcing me out of the room to have me watch them play Star Wars. I’m not half complaining.