All Shook Up

I'm still fighting off feelings of uneasiness from early this afternoon. I was caught completely off guard. My whole being was jarred and I was on the verge of tears.

It was such an unlikely occurrence. I want to place blame, but it's not as though someone actually did something wrong. Or well, nothing seriously wrong. Questionable, maybe. But not something I could say I haven't done in the past. And it just happened to be that one person. THE ONE person that could completely shake me up.

Sometimes I find myself reading too far into things. I think that there are signs in every day life to guide us. And if ever this were a sign, I should be running in the opposite direction, right?

When I feel that someone likes me more than I like them, I end up running the other way. This is in their best interest. I'd only make it worse for them by playing along when I know that nothing is going to develop on my end. However, when I feel that I have stronger feelings for someone than they do for me, it consumes my every thought. I don't get obsessive, but it seriously affects my moods. I need that happy medium. I need to know that the person I'm focusing so much time and effort on is in it with me 100%.

Clearly, this isn't possible for the time being. But it's something to work for? Or so I've gathered. I think that's what I'm being led to believe. We're trying to develop a real relationship, right?

That's all new for me. I don't devote time to someone to make myself develop feelings. Either they're there immediately, or they aren't worth waiting for. I mean, if it is possible to click with someone from the get go, why spend so much time and effort to make yourself feel the same way about someone else? Think of how much time you could be missing out on with someone that already cares for you.

Or maybe the feelings are there, but they need to be strengthened? Lordy, I don't know. I know how I feel, but that's about the extent of it.

And now I find myself almost afraid to speak of such feelings. I'm a firm believer in being open about how you feel about others. You can never show it enough. And it should never be something to be ashamed of. And I'm not. I just hate the thought of it being different on the other end.

I just so desperately long for depth. I desire romance. I need to know I'm cared for. I'm just used to being in relationships where those are the key elements from the get go. I'm not used to casual relationships and flings. I've had my fair share of those in Chicago already, and I'm not a fan. It's not what I want. I function best with another. That's the bottom line.

I keep seeing these glimmers of hope. I just wish it would all come together already.