Ick

I've awoken with a sick feeling in my gut. You know what I'm talking about. It isn't a physical pain and there's not much you can do to rid yourself of it.

I just feel that something is coming. Something unsettling. Then again, it could just be that I'm finally digesting this week.

I've been calling my mom a lot again lately. I'm still having some issues with how things were when I was around, but being away from them all has made me realize how much I still care about them all despite their downfalls in the past.

Then the news about Jake...Sadly, I wasn't around much to get to know him on a level that I would have liked. But from our few interactions, it was easy to tell that he was a great kid. I remember talking to him about God and the impact He has had on our lives and the like. I just can't believe he was only 17. That kid had a lot of heart.

They're still not sure what's wrong with my step dad. But they finally released him from the hospital and are trying him out on a couple of meds. It's scary having to worry about your parents. I've never really had to in the past. And it's not something I look forward to in the future.

I still blame myself for a lot of the issues my sister is having. Blehhhhh, but that's a story all in itself. Something I don't quite feel like getting into at the moment. I don't have the drive to type out a whole lot of feelings at the moment.

The other night, I found a book Matt bought me for my birthday back in the day. It basically goes on and on about how worrying is a sin. Haha. I cracked up when I first saw it. But basically it tries to explain that by worrying you aren't putting your faith in God to make things right. So, stress over worry is sinful. It still makes me giggle a bit.

God gave us the freedom to choose. We make our own decisions. If we mess up and stress ensues thus bringing about worry, that's just something we have to deal with. Now, I strongly believe in prayer and divine intervention, but one cannot expect God to bail him/her out every time they mess up. Stress and worry are a part of life. It's not a fun thought, but it's something one must learn to deal with. Now, I happen to take it above and beyond though. I worry much more than I should. But it's because I care. I want the ones I love and care about to be happy and safe.

The night before last I realized that things were just getting out of control with me. And for the first time in awhile, I sat down and just prayed my little heart out. I spilled all of my grief and worry out over the course of two hours holed up in my room. I let it all go. Recent issues, problems a long time coming. Stress I was suffering from. The stress of people I care about. My family. My friends. Previous friends I'd given up on for one reason or another.

Such an incredible feeling came over me. For the first time in quite awhile, I felt this blanket of calm come flooding over me. Just letting go of all that worry, stress, and guilt made me feel like a person starting over. I suppose that's why I worry so much over Adam. He doesn't seem to be letting any of the negativity go. And no one should have to keep that bottled up inside.

I was in a great mood yesterday I'm still in a pretty good mood today as well. I just need to stay focused on the positive. I tend to feed off of other people's emotions. And when I'm around people that are unhappy or bogged down with day to day life, it starts to build up on me. So my new goal is to try and brighten others' days. A little bit of positivity and genuine interest in another's feeling can go a long way.

Also, believe it or not, cleaning is a great mood upper. Yeah, it's a weird thought. But when I'm upset or just need some time to think, house cleaning and a shower can completely change my mood around. So I washed the dishes, scrubbed the stove, swept, mopped, and wiped the tables down. It's not even my apartment, but I feel wonderful.

I'm still a little sad to see Josh go. I've been avoiding him best I can because of it. It's just going to be so much different without him around. He was someone I was close to even when he was being a jerk. I found a girl that seem like a good choice for a replacement. I just hope we hit it off nicely and become close. I deal best when surrounded by people that I trust and care about.

Anywho, I'm going to take June and Molly out again. Blehhhhhh, I really need Cailey bug here! Adam has his two girls and their unconditional love, and I want mine! I'm trying not to get my hopes up though. There's no telling if I'll actually end up with her. But my mom did offer me a full blooded pom-poodle. They paid 600 for Fergie and then just gave her away! But now they have first pick in her litter. And my mom, knowing how hard I've been having it without Cailey here, told me I could have the puppy. I'm super excited.

Hope everyone has a fantabulous day.
laugh laugh laugh

xx