What is my Deal?

And so it begins again.
I'm stuck in another rut.

I don't understand how one day I can be completely happy and the next I lose all interest in everything. I'm not unhappy. I just don't care. It comes and goes. I can't seem to find any real reason for it.

I guess it just goes back to me never being satisfied...at least not for long. I lose interest far too quickly. It just takes me a little time to find all of the bad in something new, and it loses all it's previous splendor. That's my problem with Chicago among numerous other things.

I put on this front that I'm fine. I appear to brush things off without a care in the world.

This couldn't be farther from the truth.

I am self conscious.
I am jealous mess.
I am never good enough.
I am a push over.
I am constantly comparing myself to others.
I am lost.



Surprised?
I am usually bursting with self confidence.
So much so that it often times pisses people off. They think I'm far too into myself.

But in all actuality, it's more of a ploy to convince people that I like myself. That I like who I am. People are naturally drawn to others who are full of confidence. And if I can make people believe that I like who I am, they'll naturally like me and want to be around me.



Now, don't get me wrong. I don't hate myself. I do have some good qualities. I am extremely loyal. I can be very trustworthy. I am full of compassion. I have an endless amount of dreams and ambitions. I have a great capacity to love.

But that hasn't kept me safe. I've still been abused and discarded. At one point, I really believed I was wonderful. People have just shown me that they beg to differ.

It's a part of growing up, right? The world isn't full of rainbows and sunshine. Leaving home and being on your own isn't easy. And it only gets increasingly harder.

I desire stability and certainty.
I want to care and be cared for.


My gramma would tell me I need to go back to church.