Ready

I have experienced more than my fair share of ups and downs this year. The relationship department reflects this as well. I have undergone numerous life changes and have finally found a bit of stability to try and hold onto.

Some find me to be a tad wishy-washy when it comes to boys. Especially here in Chicago. Sadly, my last REAL relationship was with Dustin Morrisson and ended shortly after I made the move up here to Chicago. I have had two boyfriends since I've been here. One with Justin number 2, which I can't help but feel that I was sort of pushed into. And then there was Christopher Glenn Phillips that you've all heard enough about. Needless to say, the absolute worst and BEST relationship I've ever been in. Scoff. Do it.

There are the boys in between there. But none that ever developed into a relationship for one reason or another. Either I wasn't good enough to date, or I didn't find them worth the time and effort. It's a little harsh, but the honest truth.

I don't know... When it comes to actually entering into a relationship, I can be extremely picky. I just feel that if you are committing into a relationship, you have to have some long term goals to fulfill with this significant other. So, I never enter into a relationship that I don't see going somewhere or lasting for some time.

I desire to be wooed. I want to be swept off my feet. If there isn't some sort of spark within the first few times of hanging out with someone, I end it. There's no point making yourself want to be with someone. Sure, I've liked many boys. But that doesn't mean I can see myself staying with them. I have to just "feel" it right away. No, not love at first sight. Just an instant connection. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's one of the most amazing feelings in the world.

I realize now that is why I've had such a hard time getting over Christopher(not to be confused with Chris). I felt an immediate connection with him. I've never had such enormous feelings for someone just hit me in the face like that before. It's almost unbelievable that it can happen like it did. Even if it was one sided. It's taken me a lot of time to realize that I don't regret what I did. I don't regret spending the money to see him. I don't regret quitting my second job to be able to visit. I don't regret any of it. It was one of the best times I've ever had. And I think it will be for quite some time. I think I'm finally at ease about it. At least, as much as I can be.

Next time around though, I don't want it to be one sided. Someone will care about me just as much as I do about them. And I'm finally ready for that to happen again. For awhile I was pretty pessimistic about relationships and monogamy. But I've always been such a hopeless romantic. I love being in love. That's what I was created for. To love with all my heart and share every aspect of my life with someone who desires to do the same with me.

I'm incredibly indecisive about so many aspects of my life. But not about this. I never want to settle with merely being content with a person. I will love with all I have. But I only desire to share it with someone who can do the same for me.