Still Alive

It's been quite some time since I last posted on here. If I say that I've been too busy, I'd be lying. If I say that nothing of interest has come up, I'd again be lying. In the past, I've written as a form of release. I usually feel so much better to get things off my chest. But as of late, it only makes me feel more vulnerable. It's hard to admit when I've done wrong. However, I find it much worse to have a nagging sensation that I have done wrong, but have no feelings of guilt.

Since I stopped posting, I have hurt more than one person that I've cared dearly about. One who is miles away, and one that has been the closest to me for two years. One who refuses to keep our closeness because he can't deal with all that has went on, and one who won't let me forget that he is still here for me through anything that could possibly come my way. Both, I care for tremendously. But I do not feel that I am meant for either by this point.

I was caught by surprise. I was caught be someone I would have least expected. Someone I would have laughed about if the mere thought of him would have been brought up beforehand. People have tried to make me feel guilty about it. I don't half blame them, especially under the circumstances. But what am I to feel so horrid for? For being happy? I am not in the least bit saying that he has made everything better. I'm not saying that I could not have went on without him at the time. But why choose to keep yourself from something or someone that makes you happy? Sure, there could have been others that happened along. But why should I have to wait for them? To make others happy? I do not mean to come off as selfish, but sometimes, a person does have to make his/herself happy first.

And I make him happy as well. He has revealed a side of himself that I never even knew existed. A side of him that I don't think many people know of. I have seen how horrid he has been in the past firsthand. And if I can forgive him for it, that is all that really matters.

I don't mean to try and explain myself on here. I shouldn't have to. But even if I were to try with all I have to explain how I'm feeling about it all; how it effects me, how it has effected others, I wouldn't come close to expressing the thoughts and emotions inside of me.

So, I give.
Deal or move on.
Some have already made this decision...and it truly hurts.