Insomnia

I no longer sleep. It is such a waste. The semester is wrapping up and everyone is leaving. Staying in the city seemed like such a great idea in the beginning. But now I'm starting to realize that I'm going to be here alone. Those friends that are from the city live in the suburbs. They aren't incredibly far away, but it's going to be nothing like it was before. After tomorrow, I will no longer be able to take two steps outside my door to see some of the best friends I've ever made.

I'm not used to finding genuine people. And I never expected it would be easier in the city. I had the notion that city kids were all pretentious and fad followers. Sure, those people are definitely present, but there are many that are far from this. I'm going to miss them all. That's a new concept for me. Missing friends?

There are very few people that I truly miss from home. But those that I do think of on a daily basis tear me up. I just wish they could be around always. I need more positive people in my life; people that I know care about me. Here in a new city, I have to start all over. I have to build up friendships and trust. It would just be nice to have a few people here with me that I already know; a few that already know me.

No matter what though, I'm not moving back. Not ever. That chapter in my life is over. I love my family and friends, but southern IL is just not for me. And I don't believe it ever was. I'm not the type of person that could ever be happy living a rural environment. I crave bigger and better things. I don't want to belittle anyone. I just don't feel that the small hometown environment, the white picket fence, and family oriented community is for me. Hell, I don't even plan to have kids. Sure, it'll eventually happen. But never by choice. Maybe that makes me a little selfish. But that's me. There's no point lying about it.

Marriage? Ha. Good luck. I have a lot of love to give. But I have a lot of people to give it to. I'm in love with being in love. And I don't feel that is meant to be shared with just one person. One day I'm sure I will grow the hell up and focus all my love and support on one person, but there's no telling when that will be. I don't see it happening anytime soon. But how much time do we really have?

I feel that after 25, your life is pretty much over. Seriously. After that, you're stuck with a career to consume the rest of your life. Then comes the settling down, children, and grandchildren. Great. 5 and half years left to focus on myself. 5 years used to seem like such a long time. Funny how things change.